difficult child and the counselor's suggestion

[tammyjh]

difficult child had her first session with her counselor yesterday. The counselor, L, is someone we requested as we used her for difficult child issues in the past and she seems to "get it" at least a little. At this point in time, I'm only looking for someone for difficult child to talk to and complain to. She tried to talk with difficult child about what difficult child feels are some of her hot topics and what to do about them. When they came out to the waiting room, they told me one thing they want difficult child and I to practice. When difficult child gets angry and starts swearing or being rude and direspectful, instead of me telling her the consequence, I'm to tell difficult child that how she is acting is not appropriate and what does she think will be the consequence for her behavior. Not that she gets to choose her own consequence because she knows that the consequence is always a loss of privileges..usually electronics. It supposed to help her stop and think so that eventually, she'll stop "before" she gets to the point of acting up. I really have my doubts that its going to help much but am willing to give it a try. I've already tried it last night and this morning and so far, its only served to make difficult child angrier and increased her swearing We have a couple of ladies coming in to the house a couple of times a week for the purpose of trying to give us new ideas and I just keep getting the feeling that at this point, everyone is stumped and are grasping at straws because no one has really been coming up with any new ideas:crazy1: Our last neurospych told us that difficult child was an "enigma"....and he's right but aren't they all? I mean, if we and our "professionals" had them figured out, we wouldn't be here right now would we?

 

[JJJ]

I agree. I'm so tired of having the same 3 suggestions given by every professional: individual therapy (3 years now); family therapy (2 years now) and get her an IEP (7 years now). When I explain that we have been doing all of them for years, they get this confused look on their faces as if to say, "well then why are you here?".

Kanga & her therapist have come to me with similar suggestions as Abigail brought to you. I think the therapists talk them into the ideas but they never work because our difficult children idea is that we will give them whatever they want, when they want it and then everything will be fine.

 

[BusynMember]

I don't like therapists because both for me and my kids, we found so many useless ones. In 54 years of bipolar, I had one helpful counselor and he did Cognitive Therapy (I love that, but it won't work with our k ids either).
These therapists/psychologists are spewing theories of what is supposed to work for kids who are not quite as far out of the box as our kids are. I haven't found any traditional parenting methods helpful for either my daughter who abused drugs (you should have heard the lame advice I got about her...including, I just have to trust her more...lol) or for my Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) son. My son is pretty well behaved, but, if you have to give him a consequence, you have to do it in a way he relates to or he will have a healthy meltdown just like any difficult child. Fortunately, he usually obeys because it's beyond the "norm" to figure out how to get him to change what he's doing and therapists never helped us.

 

[tammyjh]

I'm not totally convinced that the counselor thinks this will work either because in past meetings with her, she told husband and I that she feels that difficult child is beyond the scope of what husband and I can do for her. She also said that she doesn't know how we've maintained daughter as long as we have with as little help as we've gotten. So, at this point, she's basically daughter's sounding board and husband and I will get in to talk with her about the situation again sometime in the future. Also, as the in home support ladies and the psychiatrist are all from the same agency as the counselor, it makes it a bit easier for communication with everyone. I don't mean to sound negative about them because they have some really good ideas and we've come up with other ideas together that we all think are great. Its just that with daughter's mood getting in the way, we can't implement any of them with any degree of success. I practice some of them on my other kids though

 

[witzend]

My initial gut reaction was "How angry at you is Abigail?" Because if this is an angry kid, I'm thinking that the response is going to be something along the lines of "You're going to do take away my _____ because you hate me and want to make me miserable you old cow! That's why my life *****, it's all your fault!"

 

[daralex]

I wish I could offer some incredible wisdom - but I'm stuck in the same boat. We developed a "contract" I vented in a post a few minutes ago. It's like they give you a suggestion you're supposed to embrace and then it doesn't go quite according to plan. I'm beginning to think we are the experts and the shrinks use us for info on how to deal with the next one! Maybe give it a little more time to see if it does make a difference in the long run? Sorry I couldn't be of more help but sending ((hugs)) and a big been there done that!!!
-Dara

 

[susiestar]

I really had witz's response in mind when I heard the suggestion. It also IS what my oldest told me, and was the LAST time I used that tactic. His counsellor was appalled - at MY reaction. My son was 8 or 9 at the time. Maybe it would work better in an older kid, but I don't know.

We have had useful therapists, and at least this agency will feel you are "trying" to do things, so they may be helpful in getting a more intensive therapy.

I do wonder what results they said the surgery would have on her behavior, esp as she grew up? I fully realize it was NOT something you did lightly, you did it because you HAD to HELP SAVE HER LIFE. I am quite sure. I just wonder what others who have had the surgery did in terms of behaviors as teens, etc...?

Often therapists really have a hard time with our kids. They jsut can't crack them open and get the story like they can with adults. We have also heard so very many useless or harmful suggestions from therapists. But we have had them from psychiatrists and relatives too.

 

[busywend]

This could work one day and not the other. Or one hour and not the next.

I think it depends on the child and the current mood.

I also think it depends on the parental approach, tone of voice, body language, etc.

So many layer to this - like walking on eggshells. However, I would give it a try. You may find it helps 5% of the time and hey - that is better than nothing working ever! LOL! Plus, I tried everything ever suggested to me so I knew I gave every possible way a fair shot.

 

[ML]

Well I'm pretty impressed by how much you've done to help your daughter. It's clear you love her very much and your dedication towards providing her the best chance possible at life is inspirational to me. All we can do is try the next thing that might work and give it a shot. Great job, mom. I hope this works better than expected. ML