On Sunday difficult child turns 20. His twin sister does too...she is off at college, an A student, popular, intense, prone to very close friendships and a lot of drinking..but she will have friends and a celebration, and I sent her a box with soil disks and seeds so she can grow cooking herbs on her windowsill, since she has started doing healthy cooking lately. Her brother...I haven't seen him since before he went to jail in early December. I paid his restitution, he promised to give me his bank card so "you can control the money, mom" (his idea), promised to go straight the the local resource center and get a case worker, start his medications, start seeing a psychiatrist (no reason he can't see any of the OTHER psychiatrists and case workers we have previously accessed and had approved for him, but ok, if he needs to own the process). Instead...he want straight to his favorite flophouse where he has been every since. I think. I don't know if he is still there becuase I have refused all his phone calls. He sometimes talks to my SO, who told him that I am not in a place to talk to difficult child right now. Something about that last betrayal felt final to me. I felt, and still feel, that I cannot bear to him talk, since what he says means nothing...he can say he is staying with friends but actually be sleeping on the street. He can say he overdosed and is in the emergency room when actually he is with friends. He of course can make promises and declare intent and have them mean nothing. I cannot stand to watch his lips move. For a while I felt OK with the distance. I was relieved to know that I would not talk with him. It felt good...like a break, like a vacation. Now I am drooping, tired of the strenght it takes to uphold that stance. He stopped calling a week or so ago. He knows how to reach me on facebook, and if he is really in the flop house he probably walks within a block of my house every day. So refusing to take his calls does not block his only access to me. I guess.... I just don't know where to go from here. I try to understand that there is nowhere for ME to go, the going is his to do right now (I was clear on that in my mind early on) and yet...I feel so sad, and weakened, and tired...it is hard to sit with this feeling and do nothing to fix it. I am done doig stuff to fix him....but the fixing me part is hard. His birthday...it just brings up sadness, and a little anger. His Christmas presents from my sibilings and from me are still at my mouse, untouched (he was in jail, and, as I said, I haven't seen him since). I actually probably don't need to think about it, since he likely won't reach out...or he will. And if he does I'll do whatever I do. Today is just a lost day.