difficult child Birthday

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Kjs, Dec 18, 2009.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Well, difficult child's put us through rough times. But his birthday was by far the worst day ever.

    I got up with husband in the morning. He was a crab so went back to bed until he left.

    Wake up difficult child. Happy Birthday, blah, blah. Ask if I can pick him up some breakfast. He yells at me..NO. Then I mention a different food item. Same response. Then I ask if I can cook him something. He screams at me. Ok. don't eat then.

    The PLAN was pick him up at noon, go to court, go to the mall to get his ear peirced and have him pick some things out. Then out for dinner. He had already picked the restaurant.

    He use to love to go to the mall. He would go hang out and walk around with friends. Now he doesn't do anything. Ever.

    He puts on raggy jeans. I ask him to please put on nicer jeans, he has court. He starts screaming at me that he can dress however he pleases, it doesn't matter....So I left. Took a ride and picked him up something from the gas station to drink.

    He yells at me on the way to school. He shouldn't have to go to school.

    Around 10 he texts easy child and tells him he doesn't feel good. Have mom bring some Pepto Bismol. I pick him up a little early. Ask if he is nervous. He yells at me. Asked how he felt. Maybe he should eat something.

    Then he says he doesn't want to go to the mall. He hates going anywhere. I told him he needed to pick out birthday gifts. Then he exploded. "how could you NOT get me a birthday present.?" Then on and on and on about how I ruined his life, how much he hates me.

    Meet up with husband at court. As we are walking in difficult child is telling me how I ruined his life. NOW I am upset. WHy is he saying all this to ME. His DAD didn't get him a gift either. We were going to let him shop and get anything, plus his ear..

    AFter court he goes home with husband. I get home and he is saying F*** you to me, how he hates me. Wish I could go back 15 years and have an abortion. He is hitting himself in the head with his shoe. He is telling me how much he wants to die, he hates waking up everyday, he is sad...it is all my fault. Swearing at me. I lose it and go after him, husband tries to seperate us. difficult child tells him he is making it worse and difficult child runs out of the house (it is 15 degrees outside) easy child goes out after him and brings his jacket. easy child sits with him on the curb. husband goes out and paces up and down the sidewalk.. I went in my room and just cried.

    I had a birthday cake. Nobody wanted. They come in and difficult child still is going after me. So I went downstairs. Took his xmas gift. WRapped it in birthday paper and threw it at him. But I said MERRY XMAS.

    It was an I-phone.

    It was the worst, most horrible day ever. husband and I were screaming. easy child left. difficult child is threatening to kill himself. I didn't think your heart could hurt anymore than it already did.

    I talked to a counselor from his elementary school who we are friends with and who difficult child is very close with. She told me I need to call Crisis. She told me maybe he is Bipolar. She has called and talked to him and says he is very depressed. She said him lashing out is probably stopping him from truly harming himself, and not to take what he says personal because he is out of control.

    I can't call anyone. Judge said if he gets in any trouble the ticket comes back. I don't know what to do. That lady tells me to call for help. While a teacher at his school tells me he needs to be held accountable and quit acting like a spoiled brat. I am stuck in the middle.

    Next day, difficult child calls me and says he was sorry. He said some horrible things. He didn't mean it. Said he loves me. But he IS sad. Very sad. He said he is stressing out about some things but he can't talk about it.

    Question about ADHD. Ritalin did not agree with him. He was afraid to take it after the reaction he had.

    Didn't do well with Adderall. This year they gave him Vyvanse. Tried it ONCE before school started. Didn't like how it made him feel. Refused it. Until two weeks ago. When he had his physical that doctor told him he needs to take it more than just one time. Take it for a week or so. First he would crash right after school. Then he was taking one at noon. he comes home and doesn't talk at all. He is in his own little world. Just not him. Not bad, just seems really sad. Doesn't talk at all. (he is a talker)

    Now he takes it every morning, and takes one with him to school. He said it does help him do his work. Teachers all emailed me this week to tell me how focused he is, turning in all his work, helping other students, his grades are all climbing.

    He doesn't eat though. No breakfast. Then he isn't hungry and doesn't eat at all.

    On his birthday he did NOT take the medicine because we had plans to go out to eat and he wanted to be hungry.

    Could him NOT taking it have caused what happened that day?
  2. susiequte

    susiequte New Member

    No advice here, but lots of hugs for you!!!! difficult children sure have a way of ruining the holidays don't they?
  3. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    He does sound very, very depressed, and I agree that a call to a crisis center would be in order, especially since he is talking the way he is and is obviously in distress. It's hard not to take his outburts personally, but your son is sick and he is not himself.

    I know when my difficult child 1 is off his stimulant medication, he is MUCH more confrontational and quick to anger. It is possible this is what you saw in your difficult child magnified by his depression. Maybe Zoloft isn't right for him, or maybe it's not enough. You really need to get him in to a psychiatrist ASAP to get this addressed before something really unbearable happens.

  4. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    There is a big difference between the judges reference to "no getting in trouble for the next six months" and "making a crisis call due to mental health issues" If he is so depressed, so out of control he starts hurting himself, you have to get him help.

    I find when mine is on one of his "rolls", walking away and disengaging totally from the situation works well. If I would ask him if he wanted something to eat, and he yelled no, end of conversation. Any further questions -are you sure you don't want to eat, how bout some eggs, no, some toast, no, McDonalds breakfast, oh, I'll just go get him something to drink - on the issue is going to up the ante big time and set the tone for the rest of the day.

    And I totally understand being fed up with the attitude and wanting to knock his head off his shoulders - wish I had a dollar for everytime I wanted to do just that - but actually doing it would just further upping the ante again. You are fortunate you took yourself off to your room and he walked outside because the senario could have turned out worse and the police didn't have to show up.

    You have posted before about these kind of dynamics in your house and it seems like a lot of anger and depression simmering between you, husband, difficult child. Going off the deep end, going after him, throwing presents at him isn't helping the situation. I mean really, what did that accomplish? If he starts acting like a horses behind, walk away. He doesn't want to eat, fine. He doesn't want to go to the mall, fine. One mention of he should maybe think about dressing better for court and thats it.

    I really would suggest some counceling for all of you, or starting with you.

    Hope today goes better for you.
  5. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I don't think you quite understand.

    difficult child sees a psychiatrist and a therapist
    difficult child IS in counseling
    husband and I ARE also in counseling

    We work with school, special education, principal, counselors.

    ALL of these things we ARE doing. It really makes me feel so much worse when I am told to do the things we are already doing.

    I guess I must be confusing.
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I second the idea of calling crisis if things get to this point again. It will probably never be known in court- but I would be concerned that if you don't call crisis when things are that escalated, it could end up with something happening that does require a call to the police.
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Are YOU seeing someone individually for counselling? It sounds very much like you need it badly.

    The judge told difficult child not to get into trouble. The judge did NOT tell you not to call crisis or the police if difficult child's behavior is dangerous to himself, others or property, or if difficult child breaks the law.

    difficult child has to stay out of trouble. difficult child. YOU have to be the adult and make the calls to crisis or whatver when he acts out liek this.
  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    First off hugs. It sounds like a horrible day. There are days I feel like going after difficult child; he constantly tells me how much he hates me, how mean I am, how ugly I am, etc....

    What I do is walk away when I feel like I am going to lose it. Luckily I have husband each other and I can tag team off with one another when we can tell the other one needs a break. Walking away isn't the easy thing to do. Sometimes I imagine telling him off. When he calls me stupid I think of all the smart alec (sp?) responses I could say but won't.

    I agree calling crisis would be a good thing to do. With the things he is saying about being depressed I would also put in a call to his psychiatrist.

    I'm sorry it's such a struggle right now.
  9. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member


    It sounds like the medications are really helping him.

    It also sounds like he is not good at controlling his reactions especially when unmedicated. He could have had not just the unmedicated issues, but also some degree of rebound.

    I do sympathise, this gets very wearing when it's over and over, always aimed at you, always feeling like you're the one who does everything and he throws it back in your face - BUT

    YOU are the adult. Bad as his behaviour is, when you lose it and behave badly back, it totally undermines anything positive you have done, any good progress you have all made. And it shows him that this kind of behaviour is clearly OK, since you're doing it too.

    It's not fair, we're expected to be more than perfect as parents. But we also expect a lot from our kids, and whatever we expect from them, we have to present that exact same behaviour in ourselves, or else recognise that our kids are going to mess up and make us miserable.

    When you let your kid see them 'score' and successfully upset you, then you have just given them ammunition to hurt you more accurately next time. But if you don't react, or walk away and stay away until you have calmed down, then you will have more long-term success.

    I know you are all in counselling. That only makes it a bit easier for us to cope, it doesn't magically fix things. It'salso important to make sure that issues like this are documented and actually discussed with the tdocs. Otherwise, how can they know what sort of help we so desperately need?

    I read what you wrote carefull and from the very beginning. What I was hearing in difficult child's reactions, was a kid whose anxiety was out of control. The lack of appetite could be medication-related, but also very much anxiety-related. Considering what he was facing, my money is on the anxiety.

    We get this sort of stuff from difficult child 3 also. The best way to handle it is to disengage. As soon as you engage, you have to respond, and frankly responding to it especially while he is in a heightened state (anxiety, anger or whatever) is a recipe for disaster.

    He won't starve to death. Before it gets to that stage, get him to hospital and tube-fed. he'll eventually get weak enough so they can force a tube down his throat.

    But seriously, it won't get that far.

    In a situaiton like this one, if he refuses all food, don't force it. Just make sure you have some food packed (muesli bars or similar) so if he gets the munchies later on (and he desperately needs something) then he has some food available that is also not totally rubbish.

    Some teen males get really cranky when they're hungry. They can't be reasoned with until they've been fed. Others can't eat when tey're anxious. If you get the combination, then it can be unpleasant until the kid himself works out that before he shoots his mouth off, he'd better eat so his blood sugar level can stabilise and he can think more clearly.

    Heapologised next day. Good. But the trouble with this - the words have now been said, the hurt has been caused, the wound is still festering and needs time to heal. Bad words and bad deeds cannot be easily and quickly undone with an apology. He needs to see this and recognise that if he has hurt you, an apology is only a start.

    But you need to also take this on board - remember you are the adult. No matter how bad the temptation, do not lower yourself to an adolescent level. Ask your counsellor for some help in developing your own coping strategies, putting things in place for you to do when he next upsets you to this extent.

    In summary - you were right to be upset. Not right to do what you did. Because all that does, is enable him to behave badly in return.