difficult child called several times today....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearthope, Aug 1, 2007.

  1. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    These were long conversations, so I will just condense the just of them.

    The first call was left with the guilt on me. ~ he wouldn't be in such a mess if I hadn't thrown him out.

    The next three calls were him admitting to using and drug use being the reason he wasn't living at home and he acknowledged our past conversations of how I wouldn't help him if he was using but I would if he was trying to live right.

    He got the po'# and called her. Called me back and said he had to pay 500 on fri (I think she is just trying to get him there)

    He never asked for anything other than paperwork (warrant #)

    I ended several calls with ~ you were raised better, you cannot run from this, you will never get ahead looking over your shoulder.

    He agreed with me. I also let him know that he knew the reason I raised him and his sis alone and not to let any of his bio-dad's family take advantage of him because that is what they do. He also agreed with me about that, so something has happened. He was here in Ala at his biodad's when he called.

    I was okay with the calls. I was really shocked after the first one because I used to get anxiety attacks when I hung up from him but this time I was able to just go back to work. My mind did race at first about how to help (so hard to let go) but I stopped myself and said he can call a rehab # if he is ready for help.

    I know he is a charmer and I am the one he learned his craft on.

    I have two eyes wide open. My hope for change is always there but, I didn't hear it in his voice. What I heard was this is starting to bother me living like this but if I can find an easier way I will take it before I turn myself in.

    I hope he proves me wrong...

  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    What's the word that I have read on this site over & over? Cautiously optimistic?

    Hugs and prayers, Traci.
  3. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Fingers crossed he does the right thing. HUGS!
  4. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    You are handling it beautifully, hearthope.

    Whatever he decides he wants to do with himself and however he decides he wants to do it, YOU are stronger now. You sound very clear about what you expect before you will help him, again. That will make you stronger still, and that is priceless.

    I hope your son does come back, and does do the right things

    I know how painful and scary it can be to talk to the kids when their situations are so dire. My advice to you is to remember that this is going to be tough, that the child will leave you alone or call you repeatedly or act in any other way that will wear you down and wear you out. Be prepared for the feelings this is going to stir up. Continue to tell your child that he was raised better and that it is never too late to turn things around ~ and that you are not going to watch him destroy himself.

    Concentrate on the positive actions he needs to take to put himself where he should be at this point in his life ~ give him something to think about relative to where he is going to find himself in a year or two if he does not correct his course, now. (I actually never got to say much in the way of positive constructive criticism with our difficult child because he never wanted to hear it ~ but knowing what I wanted for him helped me to be stronger, whether he listened or not.)

    Not much stronger. And as everyone here knows, I spent a long time being mostly depressed and half crazy, until I realized those feelings are the enemy.

    It's easier now, but there was a time when I needed to learn to recognize and negate the feelings attending any contact with difficult child.

    Hope, loss, hope, joy. Anger. Disappointment. Most of all, those questions about what I might have done differently, whether I did or did not say something wrong, whether I should or should not have displayed anger.

    It helps me to label the confusion of feelings brought up whenever I think about my son.

    Then, I can disallow them.

    The most important thing you can have at this time is a clear mind.

  5. Jen

    Jen New Member

    You are right there where alot of us are at. What you said, and your thoughts after were good.
    I find it soothing to talk to my fellow supporters, adn sometimes to a friend that know me well.
    Hoping he gets what he needs .

  6. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Thank you all for the encouraging words!

    I pray that he will open his eyes and see how those around him are living and he will think of us and his extended family and how we are living and want more for his life.

    I know it is in his time.

    I am thankful to have this board for support....It has been a struggle but two yrs ago when I found you all, it was answered prayers.

    He was raised better and know one knows better the reason I was a single parent for 11 yrs better than him.

    Traci :flower:
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I have repeated that phrase over so many times the last two days "he was raised better than this." I keep trying to go over and over in my mind just how one child could possibly turn out so messed up when they were raised with the same parents in the same home and the others are law abiding citizens. Heck, one IS the law!

    What makes a person reject everything they have been taught and turn to a life of crime? How can a person hurt their family this way? It boggles my mind.

    Hopefully one day our boys will turn it around. You may have more hope for yours than I do for mine.
  8. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    I'm so sorry, Dammit Janet! For all of us though, the feelings of inadequacy or resent have to be viewed as the enemy, now. We have suffered enough. (You are still in the active suffering phase, in that you and husband are raising a grandchild. And much as you love her ~ and I know you do ~ I also know you have given up on your dream of locking in that Master's degree.)

    So we are all the walking wounded. But, while we cannot change much of what our children are deciding to do, we CAN decide how we will get ourselves through these horrible things in one piece.

    Okay, okay ~ TWO pieces. (That was a joke.) :slap:

  9. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    It's nice when difficult child's are out of sight, out of mind. It's really difficult when they keep dragging us back into their drama :grrr:

    Here's hoping that your difficult child starts to make better decisions.
  10. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    HH, Glad you were not sucked back into the self doubt and guilt that he tried to lay on you. As to why they go down the dark road in spite of thier upbringing I haven't a clue. I have 4 kids two never broke the law (other than a traffic violation), have never been disrespectful and are hardworking citisens that a mom could be proud of. One was a difficult kid to raise but has gotten her act together and is trying to build a new and better relationship with me. Then there is my difficult child who brought me to this board. He really wants to be good but can't seem to sustain. Temptations abound and he has no resistance to their pull on him. He also prays for God to change him but doesn't understand that he himself has to do the work. He's 20 years old and still waiting to be rescued from his own behavior. I do not think he will ever make the necessary changes for a good and honest life, It hurts but I have learned to let go, live my own life and just do what I am comfortable doing for him. And I pray for him. Hopefully someday my prayers will be answered. -RM
  11. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    RM~ keep the faith that you raised him right and never give up hope.

    He is only 20 yrs old. He has his whole life to figure out that it is better to abide by the rules and live right than to continue down the wrong path.

    Be strong and go on with your life, let him see how satisfying life can be....He has you and his siblings to witness that life can be good if you make the right choices.

    Who will ever understand why our kid's choose the dark side? Why is there such an attraction to wrong doing? Why on earth do they think that rules are only for others, not them?

    Be strong all you warrior moms!! that is really all we can do.

    They will see the light in their own time....Detach and let natural consequences take action. If you break the law you go to jail. If you are not trying to make the right choices, no one that loves you is going to help you go down the wrong path.

    Hopefully they figure it out sooner than later but, we can only pray for them and hope they see waht they are doing to their lives.