difficult child called the cops on himself and claims NOT to be bipolar

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by mog, Mar 13, 2012.

  1. mog

    mog Member

    ugh!! I have been debatting about taking him to a homeless shelter because I just can NOT handle the stress anymore-- I don't do drugs but dam it if pot really calms you down like they claimit does I need a loot of it. I have been biding my time to find out when court was so as not to push him over the edge before then so that hopefully things would go well and then I could approach things a little different and not HAVE to put him in a shelter but things keep getting pushed farther back. He still isn't working and WE have offered to take him-advised of places hiring but no he wants to apply to jobs he knows he wont get or so far on the other side of town that he knows we can't afford to tak ehim back and forth then of course it is still my fault that he isn't working.
    Anyway as you know he hads been threatening me to push his buttons because I will go to jail for alloweing him to live here after the judge told him to stay away from me.
    My nephew was living him my brother but they move out of state so he asked if he sould stay here until he leaves for the military so we said yes. He and difficult child have gotten into a couple of arguements because my nephew does not like the way that difficult child talks to us and tries to run us over, he grew up with out a dad and well my sister (his mom) is bipolar to the most extreme so he has had it rough -pretty much living on his own since he was 14 and before that he took care of the family. He still is very respectful to his mom and does as much as he can to help her without being drawn back into the craziness.
    Sooo tonight difficult child started a fight with husband becasue he was in OUR room and "found" something that we suspect was either stolen or bought with the money he made from stealing my medication. either way it wasn't an honest item but he claims that husband took it from his rom and that it belongs to his friend. it got very heated and then I told husband to lets just go in there and let him rant to himself. BUT after we went in there my nephew and him started talking and my nephew was telling him that it was not right for him to be treating us that way and of course difficult child had to expalin how horrible his entiere life was because I am a horrible mother and well they got into it. difficult child trying to prove that he is big and bad and my nephew telling him that he didn't know what the heck he was talking about.My nephew proving right and left things that difficult child should be thankful for and difficult child trying to prove that we are horrible people. difficult child and nephew got into a wrestling match and after they decided it was even difficult child called the cops on himself ( I think that he was thinking that he would of course get me arrested for "allowing him" to stay here when teh court said He was to have not contact with me and not sure if he was trying to cause trouble for nephew with his recent enrolement in the military but it bit him in the a** because ------remember I kept telling him that we needed to take care of that speeding issue on no drivers license and he kept telling me that he would deal with it on his own time. Well when HE called the cops tonight he got arrested for that dam speeding ticket!!!!!! and I am sitting here telling you what happened. I don't know what the next road brings but he knows that I do not have the money to bail him out and now for sure they will be watching where he goes after jail because he is not suppose to be here so maybe the homeless shelter IS the best bet for him after this. ugh why don't they learn, why do they think that they can do wha the hell that they want. Good thing that I didn't buy that car, and pay for that apartment and on and on and on until he finally learns--I guess that it will be the hard way.
    I did tell the cop that he had tried to kill himself the last time that he went to jail and they might meed to keep an eye open but NOT on suicide watch since that seems to be really stupid.
    For those of you that do --please pray that he will not harm himself or anyone else!!!!
    So now what --i am not sure. bail is 432.00 but I can't even buy food or gas so he knows that he will have to sit there --my worry is that he will hurt himself and where will he go after this!!!????
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Mog, I am so very sorry. What a predicament. I have no wise words of wisdom but many prayers for you, your son, your family. I am sending you hugs and blessings and the hope that loving arms embrace you and keep your son safe. I wish you a peace and comfort. God bless you.
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well since the folks on substance abuse think saying what you are going to say is going to sound mean is a bad thing I will preface this and say you will probably not like me after I tell you what I am going to say...lol. Personally I dont really care if you like me if I can save you from the next 10 years of having difficult child completely run you into the ground and drive you into a stroke or worse.

    You need to not bail your son out of jail...at all. Not even if his bail comes down to $1.00. If he gets out on ROR, refuse to allow him to come back to your home. In fact, right now while he is in jail, go get a restraining order against him. If he shows up at your front door, dont open it and call the police. Have a laminated print out of all the shelters in your area and tape that on the front of your house. I would take one phone call from jail and that is to tell him that you are no longer going to put up with his koi and he cannot come home again. If he wants anything he has at your home, arrange with a deputy to come pick it up. That way if he gets out of hand the deputy will take him away.

    You have done your job. He needs to do his. He needs to move on now.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I totally agree with Janet. The time has come to learn detachment so that you can get your own life back and he can move forward with his. It's not an easy process at first (it seems to go against all that mothering we spend 18 yrs doing), but it is well worth it. It's not that you don't love him and still care, it's letting go of the drama and forcing him to deal with his own junk.

    Saying a prayer he doesn't do anything stupid.

  5. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Mog, I'm so sorry. Please take this time to re-charge yourself after all of this, and look for some support for *you* so you can heal. No one deserves to be treated the way you've been treated. I have to agree, do not bail him out. And please do not allow him back into your home if and when he does get out. You can't be held hostage by his outbursts and threats. I know the thought of him hurting himself is terrifying, but truthfully, even that would not be your fault if it happens. The best thing you can do for him is insist he take responsibility fo himself, step back from it, and live YOUR life. If the judge ordered him to stay away from you, there was good reason for that.

  6. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    I know that you are terribly worried about your son right now, and I'm sorry that he is in jail. My son is in jail now too for several felony charges, and I have to keep reminding myself that he made the choice to steal, and now he has to pay the consequence of his actions. I am always worried about my difficult child in jail, but he tells me that he is safe where he is, and for the first time in a very long time he is not using drugs. I will pray that your son does not hurt himself, and I hope that you can get some rest and take care of yourself now. HUGS...
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    PLEASE, I beg you to follow Janet's advice. let him sit in jail and when he comes out do NOT let him come into your home unless a deputy is there. This is the BEST, KINDEST, NICEST thing you can do for him. Love him enough to stop rescuing him from himself, love him enough to let him experience the consequences of his actions to the fullest extent. I know it sounds strange to say this is nice, best or kind, but it truly is in the long run. You will be allowing him to learn the lessons he has to learn as soon as possible, which is what he NEEDS. You are allowing yourself to save yourself. You CANNOT save him from himself. If he wants to die, you can't stop but it is likely that he will be on suicide watch. I don't know why you say suicide watch is stupid, or why you told the deputy he might hurt himself but not to have him on suicide watch. What is it that you want them to do that isn't suicide watch? I know in some areas suicide watch is being naked in a padded room with someone watching you. THis is to make sure you cannot harm yourself with your clothes. If he doesn't want this, then he should not threaten to hurt himself ever. He will learn that eventually.

    I am sorry it is down to this, but you need to let him stand on his own two feet and handle his life on his own. PLEASE go to alanon or family anonymous or a therapist and work on helping yourself. You have done more than he had ANY right to expect you to do. (((((hugs)))))
  8. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I agree with everyone else.

    Please find a Families Anonymous or Alanon group near you. Also, contact a domestic violence shelter for therapy.

    You need support to do what has to be done.
  9. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I can't give you advice except to say I hope you can follow the advice these wise warriors are giving because they have been there and done this and I see them share their heartbreak and care over and over with others who are currently going through this kind of struggle. Little by little people come back and say that the advice given was right on. Of course it has to feel right for you, but when it is a new behavior for us it helps to have the encouragement from others who have survived all of this and have had to make these kinds of choices. In my own parenting area I find that really a huge help for me to take steps I had not ever taken before.

    Thinking of you, wishing you serenity as the prayer says. Hoping this will actually be a wake up call ....at least the beginning of one, for your difficult child.
  10. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Listen to the wise warrrior moms above. I have been there as well. Put on your bravest warrior suit, get the restraining order, do it before you have time to think about. You will be doing him a favor in the long run, I swear. This is not the end of the world for him, but it may be a new beginning- for all of you. Stay strong, we're here for you, sending a big hug. I know it hurts.
  11. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I have nothing to add to the good advice you have already been given but will say a prayer for your peace and your son's safety.