difficult child came home this am

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearthope, Apr 30, 2007.

  1. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    I know the right thing has been done but that doesn't make it any easier to do

    He came home. He looked like he hadn't slept in a while. I haven't seen him in two weeks only talking to him on the phone when he shows up here when I am at work.

    I told him this wasn't working, he was very angry. He said he didn't have time to be bothered with US he was having to go all over to find work (my fault?no!) I had tied his dog out and he wasn't having it. Mind you he leaves her shut up in his room all the time. I said don't bring her inside she is unattended to and is destroying the house.

    I asked him when he could have his things gone and he said whenever I get the time. I said you have till sun. and whatever you leave behind will be gone.

    We went back and forth. I pretty much let him no I can't take it anymore and I have had enough. I told him I loved him and always will and shockingly he said the same thing, but it was followed with hateful words from him.

    I am relieved to get it all over. I also have a sick feeling in stomach

    I told him of the warrant and I also told him of the courtdate wed

    I also let him know how used by him I feltand that he cared for no one but himself. he said he didn't have time to follow OUR stupid rules.

    The reason he said he couldn't stay this past fri to talk was because he was getting his windsheild fixed. I did look out the window to see that he hadn't fixed it.

    I know I did what I had to do, but that doesn't make it feel any better!
  2. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    it never feels better. ant has been out for a month. he still struggles. he moved into an apartment yesterday. friday he had 600.00 from his pay. today he called broke and saying the elec was to be turned off tomorrow because he never paid his deposit, could I lend him 175.00? I said no and he hung up on me.

    now you know that makes me feel bad that my son may be in the dark. then again, yesterday I wanted to take him lasagne adn he said no as some girl was with him and they were headed to buy computer cables.

    I cannot be a part of it. I simply am worn out. he will have to figure things out.

    still it is sad and hurts me to watch it as well.
    he did pick up his stuff yesterday and took his dresser, etc. I made sure I was not home when it happened. I am closing the door for a bit til he figures out what is important to him. no money from me, no nothing else.
  3. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hey Ant's Mom and HH,
    I am right in there with you. All the excuses, lies, etc. I'm probably luckier in a way--mine is a girl and she is cute (only 4'11") and charming and can easily get people to help her so she probably always has a place to stay and a way out of her troubles besides me. I do worry but I too cannot be a part of it, enough is enough. I am hoping I will quit thinking about her so much as time goes on.

    I'm glad I have you guys to talk to and go through this with. I don't know what I would do without this site!

  4. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    I have no idea what difficult child will do or where he will go

    He used the line of abuse and neglect at home when he was younger to get people to allow him to stay with them, but at 18, I think he will have to come up with a different story

    He is going to have to make the hard decision to use the money he makes to find a place to live. Giving him a FREE place here was not helping him. I was only allowing him to get in a deeper hole.

    Thinking back on this morning, it seems to me now that all the anger he showed was because he was actually mad at himself. He knows he is living wrong and he knows that I won't help him do that. He realized that he had gone too far in his actions and now he can't come sleep and eat when he feels like it.

    Hopefully, this will open his eyes.
  5. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    ...and if it doesnt open his eyes, at least you have decided what you can and cannot accept from him. boundaries can be painful, but in the end, may be what saves your sanity.
  6. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    I agree Janet! I have spent too many years living in chaos.

    I have taken a long look at where I am in my life.

    I have stopped competing on a reg. basis. I have pushed almost everyone in my life away. Things I once enjoyed, I can't seem to make myself do any longer

    I have wrapped myself slowly into a cocoon.

    At some point I began to dodge family and friends because I couldn't face anyone at that time because it took all my energy to be able to deal with whatever it was my son was doing at the time.

    I am ready for change. I know it won't be easy, but anything would be easier than letting things continue as they were

    I feel the same way you do Jbrain, if I didn't have this site to work through these things I really don't know what I would do
  7. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

  8. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Hang in there, HH.

  9. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I'm sorry it came to this, but it sounds like you really know in your heart that there was no other choice. Allowing him to continue the way he was, was not doing anyone any good, especially him.

    He will find somewhere to stay. You hadn't seen him for 2 weeks, so he obviously had someplace to stay. If he calls you and says he has nowhere to go, I would have a list of places and phone numbers to supply him with, tell him you love him and when he gets his life together, you will be there for him with open arms.

    Now start doing all those things for yourself that you stopped doing. You need to start the healing process.
  10. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    "I must accept reality the way it is rather than how I want it to be"

    Thanks for the links Janet.

    The more I read the more I realized just how many different hooks I have been hooked with

    Karen, Hopefully this is the first day of the rest of my life. I will try my best to be whole again

    I have pondered today over telling po about his warrant for not paying no insurance ticket.

    That too was addressed in the hooks. I am NOT responsible for the negative consequences of the choices my son is making.

    I guess all the hooks I have had in me have drained the sense and life from me. I will post that somewhere that I can see it each time I start doubting my actions or feeling sorry for him
  11. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Originally Posted By:
    Karen, Hopefully this is the first day of the rest of my life. I will try my best to be whole again

    I can't believe you said that. I was going to say the exact same thing too you, but I didn't know if it was appropriate. I guess it was!!!
  12. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    I hope to have more thoughts like your's! You seem to have the detachment mastered and you always have a positive outlook!
  13. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Sending gentle (((((hugs)))))
  14. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    I'm pulling for you, HH.

    That link with the emotional hooks that keep us vulnerable to manipulation is good stuff.
  15. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I have the detatchment thing down so well, because difficult child is doing good now. I'm sure if things were to turn around I would have to brush up on my detchment skills once again. It's easy to detatch when things are going well, but it's understandable how hard it is when things aren't going well.
  16. MrsMcNear46

    MrsMcNear46 New Member

    I know exactly how you feel guys. Sweet Betsy has been out of my home for a year now. It has been so tough letting her figure things out on her own, and I have caved and bailed her out a few times, but she knows now, that the safety net is gone.

    I too, had wrapped myself in a cocoon, avoided family because they always asked about her and I was too beat to even talk about it. Not now. It has taken several months, but I am out and about again, doing things that I enjoy. My sweet easy child and I have built a really happy life, neither one of us has ANY tolerance to drama, and we are getting along quite well. We still sometimes shudder when the phone rings, but we don't let ourselves get sucked up in the drama anymore. Life is good.

    Life is good for Sweet Betsy as well. She has made great strides in the last year. No drugs at all. No alcohol at all. She is figuring out daily that hissy fits get her nowhere in the real world. She has been asked to leave peoples homes that have helped her because she raged when she didn't get her way. Welcome to the real world. I think she finally is getting it.

    You will move on...just give it time. You won't stop thinking or worrying about your difficult child, you will just do it less. It just takes time, but oh what a relief.


    Mrs. McNear
  17. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    I'm sorry, hearthope.

    Ant's Mom is right. It never does feel good. The thing is that as long as the kids are making the choices they are making, supporting them while they do those wrong things doen't feel good, either.

    It helped me to accept that truth.

    Before I knew that, I was like a crazy woman, fixated on finding the missing piece, the thing difficult child hadn't understood, the secret knowledge he needed to stop doing what he was doing.

    And then, I understood that he IS doing what he wants to do.

    My choice was either to support him in doing it (drugs, in my difficult child's case) or not support him while he did it.

    The difficult child's behavior is the only thing that does not change, while we lose bits and pieces and hours and days and years of our lives trying to figure out how to help them.

    It was so hard for me to learn that.

    I don't like to know it.

    But because I could finally get that piece, I was able to start integrating the fractured facets of self I had created to isolate myself from the confusion, from the certainty that I had not taught difficult child correctly, or not been alert enough to change his path when I saw it begin to curve or SOMETHING.

    It is hard.

    But you can do this.

  18. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi Barbara,
    something you said really stood out for me. You said, "and then,
    I understood that he IS doing what he wants to do." Yeah, I'm always thinking that Emily is unhappy or she would do something different if someone helped her, etc. But, no, Emily has always done what she wants to do--part of what makes her a difficult child! I have to come to understand deep inside that she is doing what she wants to do. If she wants to do something different then she will. Thanks so much for that "lightbulb" moment!
  19. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Thank you all! Your well wishes mean so much

    I have had 2 lightbulb moments!!

    I guess I always assumed my son must be miserable in all his wrong choices. As Jbrain has pointed out he IS doing what he WANTS to do. The only time he is miserable is when I am trying to get him to do something he doesn't want to do or when he has gotten caught doing something wrong.

    The other so simple to understand yet has been so far out of my reach

    My choice was either to support him in doing it or
    not support him while he did it.

    Thanks Barbara, you will never know the impact you have with the thoughts you share.

    In reading that statement I suddenly understood why I had been so distrant in these last weeks. I was supporting him while he was doing these things. I COULD NOT be okay inside knowing that I was allowing him to continue to be unresponsible and using.

    He has a courtdate tomorrow, we will see what happens...

    This will be the first time he has gone to court without mom, maybe it will sink in that mom has had enough! (just between us on the board ~ if it were possible for me to be there I am sure I couldn't stay away ~ but it was meant to be this way, I have no way to leave the shop and be in court)
  20. AliceLee

    AliceLee New Member

    HH, oh no...I'm sorry. But I am glad that you will be able to start living your life for YOURSELF! I must say, that kicking my daughter out was HORRIBLY painful, but not long after she was gone, I began to feel liberated!!!

    Sometimes I am tempted to invite her home, but after I think about it for a while, I know that I can't go through that again. I won't say it will NEVER happen, but for her to come home again, I'd need to be convinced somehow that she truly was serious about changing her lifestyle.