difficult child caused a wonderful day to end on a rotten note!!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Mom2oddson, Jun 8, 2008.

  1. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    easy child had his graduation on Saturday and a BIG family party today. difficult child decided that he only wanted to go to the family party. We were cool with that. He'll get to see everyone.

    But........he didn't show. So, as husband and I left for the airport (Dad had to go back to work), we called difficult child. Called to say that there is still an hour or so left of the party... you might want to go and see your brother. His response was that He was at a birthday party and couldn't go. My answer was "Well, enjoy your birthday party. Bye" Click.

    I received a text message "Why are you so rude to me?"

    husband's answer was to call difficult child.... where difficult child decided to tell husband that we don't include him in anything. Four calls from me about graduation and at least that many from husband and his Aunt called offering a ride... and no one includes difficult child?? husband said "I'm tired of your excuses"... which led difficult child to calll husband a Big (part of male anatomy).... Fine, whatever. We continue to the airport.

    When we got to the airport husband had a text waiting for him. It said..... "I hate you. I hope you are happy with your fat wife. Sister and I hate you both and want nothing to do with you. I hope you are happy with easy child because we will not be there when you are older. I hope you are happy with your pride son".

    This is so difficult child. He doesn't do something.....feels guilty about it..... and lashes out at everyone else. And to pull in his sister and brother into the mess is just so like him.

    husband has decided not to call back or respond. He's in San Diego for a long time. He'll just sit back and see if difficult child calls him.

    But, on the happy side of life (where we are going to focus) easy child had a great graduation, the party was fun....even for our June/january weather. (a whole whopping 58 degrees for a BBQ)... There was a lot a good times this weekend. husband got his ticket changed to a direct flight! So, difficult child can kiss our seat-end if he thinks we are going to worry about his rant.

    Thanks for letting me vent.
     
  2. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm glad that you are keeping your mind on good part of the weekend. I don't know why our kids have to lash out like that, but I think it's fairly common. M used to tell me that we had better watch out because he was going to be the one that chose our nursing home for us.

    Where will difficult child be while your husband is away? It's not going to make it difficult on you, is it? I agree with your husband that the best thing to do is ignore him. And that's much easier to do when he's 1,200 miles away!

    I hope that you will have a restful week, and kudos to easy child on graduating!
     
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Congrats to easy child for graduating!!

    I'm glad you chose to focus on the good parts of the weekend.

    Hugs
     
  4. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    In the long run, the one who lost out was the brat who decided a b'day party was more imporant than his brother. One day he'll grow up and it will another regret in a long list of regrets.

    I'm glad your day was good. I wouldn't even worry about his text messages (another reason to block texts -- voice mails you can delete before much is said). His loss, your easy child's gain -- he had a graduation, a party and a lot of love.
     
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    ((((((((((Hugs))))))))))

    I am sorry difficult child was such a jerk.

    Keep focusing on the good things. Let difficult child stew in his own juices.

    Congrats to easy child for graduating!!

    Susie
     
  6. So Tired

    So Tired Member

    Typical difficult child behavior -- try to shift attention and focus on to themselves, even if it is for the wrong reasons!

    I'm glad you didn't let it ruin your celebration or your enjoyment of easy child's big day!
     
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Mom2,

    You know when you are the family difficult child, and you have to live with a sibling that is nearly perfect it's more than hard. It's impossible to feel anything but jealousy.

    Jealousy is a strong motivator - and sadly it makes parents of multiple kids NOT understand WHY the difficult child wouldn't just be elated and happy or even show up for the easy child's graduation. But in the mind of a difficult child - they aren't the same thinking as you or I, and take a very DIM view of anything that gives what they feel even MORE praise to the prodigal son.

    Honestly? The best thing to do is IGNORE IT. Don't text, don't engage in a battle where difficult child gets to go back and forth with you. The more you or husband do that? The worse he's going to be and hotter,and more argumentative and you'll never win. Sadly neither will he.

    It's an attention seeking skill. Nothing more. IF they can get even ONE person who doesn't know them to go "OH you poor thing" they win in their minds. Ask yourself this - when you were on the phone and texting him - were you NOT giving him TIME? Did that time take away from TIME you could have spent with your other easy child son or your husband? See - they are master manipulators. He wanted the time to be about him - and even if for a short while - it was. Let it go.

    When Dude ran away the first time we were out of our minds looking for him. And he sat in someones home and watched us drive by, talk to people, show his picture - omg what idiots we were and how much attention he got from lying and telling people in the house he was at HOW awful living with us was. that I beat him, burned his books, threw his clothes away.

    We called the police and begged them to look for him. So now there are at least 5 cars driving around all for him. They found him, brought him home and we all did the WE WERE SO WORRIED about you speil.

    We processed this with our therapist and the therapist said "When he ran away did he have a choice to come home?" and we said "Well of course - he had a choice not to run away either." So we worked on how to treat this little bit of attention seeking through therapy. IF Dude ever ran away again - we were to understand THIS was HIS CHOICE. Much like your son and the graduation vs. birthday. Your son KNEW about the graduation for his brother and CHOSE to go to the birthday - END OF STORY. Really. If you wanted to be cool - you call his cell and say - Your brothers graduation party is still going on - he'd like to have you here - just thought I'd remind you. And LET IT GO. If he started to be the victim you just say "Okay honey ' hope to see you here gotta go." and hang up.

    The second time Dude ran away we immediately went to reach for the phone to call the police. And we did - but it was JUST to report him missing. When asked DID we WANT them to look for him? No. Just making a report. When the police asked were WE going to look for him? We said "It was his choice to run away." and the cop grinned. Each day he was gone - we still called and had a report filled out to cover our butts - but eventually they (cops) got tired of coming to our house to fill out paperwork, and went and got him where THEY felt he was. And he was - and they brought him home, and when he came in - with the cop WE SAID NOTHING except "go to your room we'll discuss this at a family meeting when WE are ready." and we let him sit in his room for nearly 2 hours. Sure he came out and whined we were unfair. We said NOTHING. Just pointed and said ROOM. Eventually we got him - and talked to him. We said that it was evident he wasn't happy here - so where would he like to go? He whined that WE DIDN"T COME LOOK FOR HIM and WE MUST NOT CARE.

    (to which a silent nod of parental unification was given) just like the therapist told us. We told him "You had a choice, you made it." We're not running after a 16 year old that doesn't want to be here." and then in therapy for the next 6 months we worked on skills as parents to NOT feed into difficult child's "victim" or "feel sorry for me" deal.....and it has GREATLY improved our lives. The fact that DF and I learned HOW NOT TO FEED INTO his "I want everyone to feel sorry for me I'm the victim." made difficult child mature a lot faster - face it - YOUR FAMILY is the only ones that will feel sorry for you time after time and pick you up time after time. Eventually your friends and their parents will get tired of your BS and figure out there is SOMETHING wrong with you and shy away. Family usually doesnt. But we can learn how not to buy into his "I'm the victim." routine.

    It takes time with a therapist and you and DF can go even if difficult child won't go and learn a TON about how to deal with him. I promise you'll learn how to say things like "Wow." "TOO BAD." and "Oh well." without engaging in a battle of pity me.

    Hugs
    Star
     
  8. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    We know that difficult child did what he did for the attention. That's why no one in the house has responded to the text message. All of us are going to just sit back and let difficult child make contact, if he does.

    It's sad, but there is nothing we can do to help him. He refuses it anyways. You just have to sit back with a broken heart, knowing that your child is hurting and know that the best help is no help.

    difficult child has choosen his path. He's burnt every bridge behind him along the way. At 17, he's thrown away so much. All so he can have his way. So he can do as he pleases without anyone telling him what to do.
     
  9. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Sending a bucket or 10 of hugs for your hurting heart.

    And you're mistaken when you say there is nothing you can do for him - BY NOT calling him back - you ARE doing it!! And very well! I've had to try to do the same and after so many years of standing up and being the voice of reason (in a very unreasonable brain occasionally) I think we see dribs and drabs of maturity in our 17 year old. Some days I just want to scream CAN YOU GET THIS TO STICK? To his maturation.

    Keeping you in my thoughts -
     
  10. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    My heart has been hurting for the last couple of days. It took a while to see that it's grief that I'm feeling. I grieve for what could have been. And I grieve more over the pain that difficult child is going to suffer going down the path that he has choosen.

    Maybe because I see myself in difficult child...or at least my old self. Like difficult child I had no self-esteem and was extremely co-dependant. Even though I've had a million talks with difficult child over the years about co-dependancy. difficult child will have to learn the hard way.

    I know that he hurts too. He thinks his siblings are spoiled and get anything they want and he gets nothing. Even though everything that they have is and has been offered to him, he's not willing to pay the price: "follow the rules". And we have such tough rules - "do your school work". That's the biggest rule in the house, beside "Please put your dishes in the sink, not behind the furniture".

    easy child's gone over to visit difficult child several times since he left. Just to make sure that difficult child was okay. While he's there, difficult child makes a big deal about how great his life is and how sorry he feels for easy child having to live with all the rules. easy child says that difficult child is trying convince himself that he's happy. It's sad when another teenager can see through the act.

    difficult child is a smart kid. When he hits bottom and starts to get up - he'll go far. I know he will.
     
  11. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Your post hit a raw nerve with me and has been tickling my brain for days. I looked back over the last 10 years and realized that my difficult child has tried to ruin every family event that took place. It's so hard not to be bitter and yet my sadness and love for him take precedence. Oh the life of a mother of a difficult child is wrought with angst.
     
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