difficult child demands even in prison.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by mstang67chic, Apr 30, 2011.

  1. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Unbelievable. difficult child called last night for only the third time since he's been in prison. After his second call, husband had sent money for difficult child's commissary account and we didn't hear from him for a while. Apparently the amount husband sent wasn't much since difficult child was already $40 in the hole. Hence last night's call.

    If we get the money in NOW (last nigh) then he'll have it for ordering on Monday cause he's out of toothpaste and other hygiene stuff. (You mean the things you didn't use anyway and walked around with that funk cloud around you?)

    Then he informed me that he was going to file for a sentence modification so he could finish his sentence on house arrest.



    And exactly WHERE do you plan on serving said house arrest?

    Huh? Well....home.

    Sorry difficult child but no. We love you and you are more than welcome to visit but we are not living like that again. Our property was destroyed, things came up missing. No. I will not do it again.

    Lots of sputtering, defensiveness and finally attempted guilt ensued.

    Have we been able to get ahold of his birth parents so they can visit/write him? No. I told his bio grandma....difficult child interrupts and says "She won't tell them". My response is that I'M not going to call them. difficult child went off. That woman will be dead before I get a chance to see her again. I'll never see her again, do you know how that will make me feel?

    And this is MY fault how? She's not dying and as far as I know she's not in danger of dying. Besides, assuming he behaves, difficult child will be out in ..... wait for it.... a YEAR. :slap:

    At this point I simply asked him if he was going to spend the entire call yelling at me or was he going to have an actual conversation. He calmed down somewhat but basically the gist of the call was "send me money and do my bidding." Even in prison, they just don't get it do they?
  2. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

  3. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Have you checked with someone at the prison? This might not be entirely true. Most prison trust fund systems do not allow them to go "in the hole" on their accounts. In our system, the only thing they were allowed to go "in the hole" for is for phone calls to attorneys and the mailing of legal documents to a court system or attorney. It's like an IOU, and when more money comes it to their account, it is taken to cover these negative amounts. But they are NOT allowed to go into the negatives for buying commissary items. Also, most institutions have what we called "hygiene packages" that are basics like soap, shampoo, toothpaste, etc. for inmates that don't have the money in their accounts to buy them. They also sometimes have court-ordered fees taken out of their accounts for things like restitution or other charges.
  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    How long has he been in? I'm hoping he will change his tune. You gave him a lot to think about. It's far more valuable than commissary money.
  5. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    He's been in close to 2 months....well, prison anyway. He's been locked up since mid-November of last year. And as far as him being in the hole...I believe it. He had to go to the doctor a couple of times since he's been in. Either way though...he knows I don't appreciate or respond well to that kind of attitude when he's OUT. I guess he thought he could play on my sympathy or guilt. snort.
  6. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    "snort" indeed! You're not the one who got him there, he is! Time will tell. Maybe he'll figure it out. Then again... Best of luck to all of you. Big hugs...
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I have two nephews serving time. They certainly can't go in the hole on their accts. They both work inside for funds because family will NOT send them money for anything. They don't have funds, they don't get to buy anything.

    Gee, you'd think he'd have much more to say after that long between calls. ugh

  8. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I don't know if you've kept up on my son, who's 16yo now and spending the majority of his teen years in Department of Juvenile Justice, but unfortunately, they seem to be influenced a whole lot more by the other people they are serving time with instead of the guards and family. That's the downfall of incarceration that hampers rehabilitation so many times. I'm sorry... I don't have any answers though. When they are distanced from family and spend 24/7 with worse criminals for extended periods, this is pretty much what happens. All I can suggest is to maintain those healthy boundaries you've set and detach from the unhealthy ties, if you had any, because you sure can't control him anymore. (Not that you ever tried to, just that the situation is completely out of your hands at this point.)
  9. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Just wanted to send many hugs.............
    My X the crack head used to do the same thing. My response was always like - oh well - good luck...........yet it always made me sigh.
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Medication costs, visits with the nurse or the Doctor is docked from your personal account in our county jail. Getting in the hole is quite common. Fortunately I don't know about prison but I wouldn't be surprised if it is the same.

    It is uniquely difficult child to see the world as focused on your wants and needs. Sounds like you handled it well but I'm sure you would have hoped to hear a more sensitive conversation tone. Sigh. DDD
  11. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Wow, and BM doesn't come RUNNING down there to see him? Interesting. Wonder why not. Sure - OH that's right - Grandma didnt' TELL her. (yeah right) Gimme a break. That woman has been given every opportunity to be a part of his life his entire life and never has taken anyone up on the opportunity. Yet he blames everyone but her. Makes me want to tie her up, throw her in my trunk, drive her to visitation, and make her say "Look kid - blah blah blah." so he can just get on with his life. Once and for all. EEEEEEEEESHhhh.

    And I LOVE - I'm going to do house arrest at YOUR house. (blink) Golly I can't wait for that to happen. :whoopdedoo:
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I doubt very seriously that ANY prison will let inmates borrow money for ANYTHING other than contacting lawyers and mailing to lawyers. My stepMIL teaches in prisons around the WORLD and has never come across one wehre the inmates could borrow money for anything. If difficult child is "in the hole" he likely is owing $$ to other inmates for whatever. I would think he owed inmates and NOT the prison. I

    I am sorry he is trying to guilt you into things. He can work for what he wants/needs in the prison. I would not give $$ if all he contacts you for is for $$ and to get you to do things. I am sorry this is all he contacts you for.

    WTH was he thinking on the house arrest thing? After all you went through when he lived with you, why would you want to repeat that?
  13. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Prison doesn't change them; if anything it makes them focus even more exclusively on themselves. My difficult child is back in and he wanted us to set up accounts for him also. I refused this time. husband who has always gone to see him in the past says he doesn't want to do it any more. He is so done with all of this. So, since I only set up the phone account because difficult child called me 8 times in one day saying it was extremely important. (his girlfriend is pregnant) He has called me three times just to hang on the phone breathing and not talking. I told him to only call when he had something to say and to let me know if/when he is trandferred to the state he in which his trial is going to be held. I have heard nothing more since that call. I still wish that he will eventually "get it" but am not wasting any energy on false hope. Hugs to you, it isn't easy being mom to a person in prison. -RM
  14. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I swear... The sense of entitlement never stops... I wish I had words of wisdom, but I don't... I do have hugs for you!!!
  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

  16. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Thanks everyone. husband finds himself in disbelief while I just think "yep, sounds about par for the course" and go on.
  17. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Stang, I must say that the house arrest plan brought back memories. My gfgbro used to LOVE to wait until we had guests for dinner and then drop a bombshell on my parents. Esp if he thought it would upset my mother. He really worked HARD to do this.

    The first time husband had dinner with my family when my bro was therewe were sitting around with munchies, putting the final touches on dinner when gfgbro dropped his bomb. He was going to walk to Washington. It was at a time when there were some fairly high profile marches going on in Difficult Child. The neighbors (adopted grandparents) were there and their mouths dropped open.

    husband didn't say anything because how do you respond to that? At the time gfgbro had his old room packed with his stuff even though he was gone nine mos of the year.

    My mother's ONLY comment?

    Where are you going to put your stuff while you are away?

    Then as gfgbro's jaw hit the ground she changed the subject. It was priceless and teh LAST time gfgbro tried it with that size audience. Your remark to him about who's house made me think of it.

    BOTH are CLASSIC moments that should be remembered.

    I wonder what your difficult child's child would think if you bring this up when that child is a teen?? difficult child problem won't appreciate it, but I hope he is grown up enough to handle it with a laugh.
  18. Jena

    Jena New Member

    sorry i missed this one..... advice no def. not!!! :)

    hugs for you and saying hey your doing a great job! Definintley

    hang in there!!!