difficult child drama. sick inside.

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by lostmyson, Jul 22, 2014.

  1. lostmyson

    lostmyson Member

    Don't post often. Don't have the strength. Do read often and everyone is so supportive. Plan on attending support group tomorrow as know I need it. difficult child kicked out of current friends. medications missing hmmm. All kinds of threats and name calling since he can't come here. Scared but won't back down as we need peace. So many things have happened the past five years. Many drugs jail stealing disrespect. Same basic story as so many others on here. This is the first time I have said no, ususlly my husband. Trying to get my own life back instead of saving him which obviously did not work. Slowly detaching and feel better. Not in denial anymore. difficult child furious. Had to turn phone off. Sick of the drama.
     
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You are taking charge of your life instead of being a victim, I applaud that. It is very hard to do when we have been enabling all those years, I know from experience. You are doing much better than I did, took me a lot longer. But once I did I felt the weight of the world come off. I did NOT have to carry her burden any longer.
     
  3. comatheart

    comatheart Active Member

    Good for you!! Do you go to Alanon or Celebrate Recovery? It's been tremendously helpful to me. **hugs**
     
  4. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Save yourself. Let him alone. Its not up to you. You see that. Good for you. I've been there, it sucks but it isn't on your plate anymore. I know how upset you are but I know how freeing it is to let it go. Remove yourself, enjoy the day.
     
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It is hard to say no. We dont want to tell our kids no. we have to though.

    One day early this week..must have been Monday night, my difficult child kept calling us asking for ten bucks. His dad kept saying no, telling him that he didnt have it, that the only money he had was for us this week plus he wont be getting a check this week due to him taking last week off to take difficult child up to visit our other son. All kinds of excuses why he couldnt do what difficult child asked.

    I sat across the room telling him that he had said no, didnt need to explain and to just say good bye and hang up. He wasnt listening to me until my son overheard me and asked what I was saying. I guess he was hoping I was on his side...lol. They finally hung up after at least 15 minutes on the phone. Less than an hour later difficult child called again! This time I spoke up much faster. difficult child was threatening to come over on his scooter to beg in person. I screamed across the room that NO was a complete sentence and if he showed up here I was calling the cops to have him removed. I finally just walked over to the phone and clicked the button to hang it up.

    Now we get off the phone and his father kept going on about how difficult child just wont understand that when we say we wont give him money we mean it. I said no wonder, you keep talking so he thinks he can wear you down! I say no and hang up. difficult child has complained that I wont talk to him much anymore. Oh well.
     
  6. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    My son also engages in this behavior. He feels that as long as I listen he has a chance. The longer I listen the more he gets his hopes up. When this ploy does not work. He becomes explosive because all of his hard work (begging ,bargaining, and threatening) did not pay off. Yes, he considers this a legitimate job.
     
  7. Scott_G

    Scott_G Member

    I swear there must be a difficult child playbook that they all read. I get annoyed with the explanations my wife gives. "Sorry we can't help you financially right now, money's tight." "Sorry I can't give you a ride today, the car is in the shop and your dad has the other car". A simple "No" is all that is required. Anything beyond that gives them the impression that the answer will eventually be "Yes".
     
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  8. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Even easy child's try that. Mine is currently on a tear to watch the show "Tammy" with Melissa McCarthy in it. I said no! I have seen Bridesmaids and the other show she did with Sandra Bullock and the cussing is over the top. I don't mind cussing...in fact I'm a sailor at heart....but I even thought it was over the top. Funny but over the top.

    She started in again today about it and I finally just said NO and if you badger me about it the answer is still going to be NO. She shut up. I think I made my point.
     
  9. lostmyson

    lostmyson Member

    Several texts and calls tonite. He will do anything . begging. Doesn't want to live this way. neither do we but still sick inside. He knows I am soft hearted. Even after threats cussing. Still love him want my life back. Let him come home several other times and regretted it within 24 hours. This roller coaster is killing me. This site is such a comfort. I am a terrible typist but read often. thanks everyone for caring. So many reminders of the great kid he used to be. 22 now and going nowhere. Afraid of him and for him. I gave it a good shot but just couldnt set things right. Always anxious on this phone a text will pop up. Been so good at denial. Now that I have talked about it I sound ridiculous for putting up with it all so long. Thanks guys for reminding me I am worth while too.
     
  10. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Believe me I have felt exactly the way you are feeling. When my difficult child would call and tell me she didn't want to live that way anymore I challenged her to prove it by getting help.
     
  11. lostmyson

    lostmyson Member

    Thanks Nancy. Know I need to be more firm. Somehow along the way he got the upper hand and I lost myself. Want as we all do for him to be safe and happy. Don't understand this life he has chosen . lived a wild life in my younger days myself but always made my own way. My mother wasn't great but would never have called names or stolen from her.I was determined to make it on my own and did. Very resourceful didnt burn bridges. difficult child seems like a child still. Feel so guilty. Have I made him so helpless. Want my sweet boy back and he is barely there anymore.
     
  12. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    We need a new smilie for 'Sentence Of The Week Award'.
     
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This is so typial of how our difficult child's operate that it's almost cliche. Usually, after we uncover the pathetic words that they KNOW will pierce our mommy heartgs, the truth comes through. He will ask for something big....money for rent, food, etc. which will go to drugs instead. He will want to come home and then steal or abuse you. NOBODY has a right to abuse you. If a spouse treated you like your son is, would you still feel badly for him and try to help him? Your son has no right to cuss at you. Hang up if he does. Then make him wait before you answer again and tell him that from now on, you hang up at his first raised voice or cuss word. I did this with my son and it really worked well after he believed me. My son is 36. Trust me, you don't want your son acting like he is twelve at 36. Think it's bad when he is 22? Try 36. I wish I had taken tougher stands earlier with my son. I urge you think of tough love is as in the best interests for both of you. I am sure you don't want to be 80 and still crying over your 60 year old son. YOU DESERVE A GOOD LIFE EVEN IF YOUR SON REFUSES TO MAKE ONE FOR HIMSELF.

    I had to ask myself why I felt sorry for my son when he was afraid the FBI was going to come because he broke the law? I never did find out or ask what he did to make him afraid the FBI would come, but I was terrified with him. Yet, HE broke the law and knew the possible consequences. He used to do clever white collar crime. He was heavily involved in porn too and may have been sexually inappropriate with his sister, which makes me puke. His sister will not give too many details because she said she wants to move on, but I think about it every time I talk to him, especially when he puzzles me by asking why his sister doesn't want anything to do with him. Maybe HE doesn't think he did anything wrong.

    Take care of #1 and that is YOU. You can't fix your son and he is a stereotypical adult child who wants us to continue to feel like "mommy" rather than mother to an adult and he hopes to gain mommying from us---from money to shelter to our continuing paying of his toys/bills.

    I would insist he treat you respectfully so that you don't walk on eggshells all your life. I found, and I am not you, but to me I'd rather not talk to my grown son if he is being abusive than talk to him at all. He is only allowed to talk to me if he treats me the same way I treat him. And even a small blip gets a *click.* You can't give a difficult child an inch. They will take a mile. They need your boundaries and you need to stick to them or you will eventually be that 80 year old who never had a life because her grown son guilted her into making HIM her life. Don't be that person!!!

    Hugs and keep posting. We are here for you.
     
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