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difficult child emails me 2 days after I kicked him out
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 619494" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi.</p><p></p><p>I am glad your son at least wrote you a nice e-mail. Call me cynical, but I'd write a thank you and I hope you can do well, short e-mail back, then sit back and see if he really wants to change. See if he goes for serious help, stops asking everyone for money, and starts working full-time, while paying for his own toys. I forgot if he uses drugs or not, but if so he did not address that or offer rehab. </p><p></p><p>I have to agree with Recovering Enabler big time. Our adult kids are consistent in two ways: They are master manipulators and they tend to have personality disorders, which means that what they say one day they can turn around and nullify the next. They also tend to be all words and no actions, especially if they want something from us.</p><p></p><p>If he really means he is sorry and wants to become productive, he will do it. My own mom had a saying "actions speak louder than words." I would not get overly excited...our adult kids tend to disappoint us and you still need to go on with your life and build a happy one, whether or not he lives up to his e-mail.</p><p></p><p>Your son knows that a loving note to you plus taking responsibility (in words at least) will soften your heart. See if he backs it up with real action. I don't want you to be disappointed. It is unusual for our kids to see the light that quickly and suddenly turn it all around. It takes time, often therapy, and always hard work.</p><p></p><p>This is a great step on his part, but don't forget about YOU and don't let your guard down so far that your heart can be broken all over again. It has happened to me. I want you to be more prepared for a possible disappointment than I was. It took my daughter many promises before she finally did it, and when she did do it, she didn't tell anybody about it until after she had detoxed and had done most of the hard work. In other words, once she stopped making promises and acted in her own best interests, without expecting kudos from us, that's when she finally did it...and it was not quick or easy. One way you will know he is serious is that he will drop his dysfunctional friends. I knew my daughter was serious when she spent many months alone rather than find knew drug partners to hang around with. She was very lonely a nd we talked on the phone a lot (she was in another state), but she was determined not to hang around with "losers" anymore and said she would rather be lonely. She had no car, but walked back and forth to work, even in the rain and bad weather. She was staying with her very strict, straight-arrow, you-can't-mess-up-even-once older brother and she cleaned and cooked for him and his roommates (actually they all took turns). She totally changed her lifestyle. But, again, she had to go through a lot before she could actually do it...or was serious about doing it.</p><p></p><p>Hugs and lots and lots of good vibes in your direction.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 619494, member: 1550"] Hi. I am glad your son at least wrote you a nice e-mail. Call me cynical, but I'd write a thank you and I hope you can do well, short e-mail back, then sit back and see if he really wants to change. See if he goes for serious help, stops asking everyone for money, and starts working full-time, while paying for his own toys. I forgot if he uses drugs or not, but if so he did not address that or offer rehab. I have to agree with Recovering Enabler big time. Our adult kids are consistent in two ways: They are master manipulators and they tend to have personality disorders, which means that what they say one day they can turn around and nullify the next. They also tend to be all words and no actions, especially if they want something from us. If he really means he is sorry and wants to become productive, he will do it. My own mom had a saying "actions speak louder than words." I would not get overly excited...our adult kids tend to disappoint us and you still need to go on with your life and build a happy one, whether or not he lives up to his e-mail. Your son knows that a loving note to you plus taking responsibility (in words at least) will soften your heart. See if he backs it up with real action. I don't want you to be disappointed. It is unusual for our kids to see the light that quickly and suddenly turn it all around. It takes time, often therapy, and always hard work. This is a great step on his part, but don't forget about YOU and don't let your guard down so far that your heart can be broken all over again. It has happened to me. I want you to be more prepared for a possible disappointment than I was. It took my daughter many promises before she finally did it, and when she did do it, she didn't tell anybody about it until after she had detoxed and had done most of the hard work. In other words, once she stopped making promises and acted in her own best interests, without expecting kudos from us, that's when she finally did it...and it was not quick or easy. One way you will know he is serious is that he will drop his dysfunctional friends. I knew my daughter was serious when she spent many months alone rather than find knew drug partners to hang around with. She was very lonely a nd we talked on the phone a lot (she was in another state), but she was determined not to hang around with "losers" anymore and said she would rather be lonely. She had no car, but walked back and forth to work, even in the rain and bad weather. She was staying with her very strict, straight-arrow, you-can't-mess-up-even-once older brother and she cleaned and cooked for him and his roommates (actually they all took turns). She totally changed her lifestyle. But, again, she had to go through a lot before she could actually do it...or was serious about doing it. Hugs and lots and lots of good vibes in your direction. [/QUOTE]
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difficult child emails me 2 days after I kicked him out
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