difficult child- extremely bad with money

[1905]

I try not to get involved or care about this subject. I'm so mad right now though. He got married in Nov and spent all the gifts on stupid things, clothes, jewelry ...new phones for the both of them. But then two weeks later, couldn't pay his bills and borrowed money from us. Just for a few days, then paid us back. But seriously...they blew through all the cash right away. Now he is on his honeymoon and I know ( he told me this) he brought every last dime with him and doesn't know how he'll pay bills when he gets home. But...they don't need to worry about that, they live in the moment. He actually called me and asked me to find the best deal on UGGS for his wife for Christmas. When I did that and called him back well, he just wanted me to put it on my credit card you know, so it would be delivered here and she wouldn't see it. I told him to just put in my address. no, then 2 days later husband lent him $200. He will never pay it back, I know this, husband even knows this---and heck, free uggs for difficult child-he knows it too. Sometimes husband has him do a few hours of yardwork to make him "pay it back".

Whatever "it" of the moment happens to be.

I got a call this morning from a bill collector. husband owes $818 for difficult child's truck. difficult child never made a payment on his truck he bought in Nov. And now it is in collections, and since husband co-signed, husband owes the money. My credit is going to be bad now. Ok, now I just found out difficult child also put my address on is drivers license, we got all kind of ads for attorneys about a ticket he got driving in West Virginia apparently, so now his insurance will go up, but usually he doesn't pay tickets, goes to court and pays 1,000...idiot! husband is stupid also about difficult child.

 

[greenstockings]

I know it's easier said than done, but you need to stop giving him money, stop co-signing for stuff, etc. He's approaching 30, is married, and needs to learn to handle his finances on his own. That's sad about your credit; I'm sorry you're going through this.

I had an uncle who was in his 40s and still being bailed out by his parents. They put a 2nd mortgage on their house to pay off his gambling debts.

 

[helpangel]

so sorry husband keeps enabling him hopefully he will get that his help isn't helping the problem.

Nancy

 

[dstc_99]

Sorry husband is enabling difficult child. I agree with cutting him off on the money. Personally I would go and get the vehicle then pay off the amount. Make difficult child pay it back before he can have the vehicle. Maybe even check with the bank and see what rights you have since it is screwing your record.

 

[DammitJanet]

Ugh, Im so sorry. What on earth was he doing in WV? Well thats beside the point. I know all about getting those lawyer notices in the mail. That's how I keep up with tickets mine gets....lol. Not long ago I got one from Washington state. Like he is gonna fly out there for court! I have no idea why other states just give a ticket and actually think someone is gonna come all the way back to that state. Yes Im really not on topic.

I dont cosign for anything. The last time Cory asked I just laughed at him. It helps though that I dont have the income or credit that anyone would accept.

Anyway, I feel for you.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

This is such an uncomfortable position to be in. It sounds like you have enough money to help him, which makes it harder to say no. Been there, done that. Our children upped the ante. Once we retired, they still kept upping the ante. Reinstating licenses, co-signing for apartments, paying fines ~ whatever it took, to get them out on their own and give them a chance.

My kids are nearing forty. We had to tell them no more, or go back to work, ourselves. And believe it or not, if it weren't for my husband, I would have done that. It's like, we just don't think straight, where our kids are concerned. We want to give them a chance. We convince ourselves that these things that happen to them are unfair, or that they will never happen again. As time passes? We convince ourselves that whatever happens next, we are not going to pay for it.

Then?

The thing that happens next is so bad that we DO pay for it. Like addicts, we swear again that this is the last time. The resentment we feel destroys some essential balance in the relationship. (The kids feel it, too. Who wants to grow up to be that person who cannot depend on him or herself? Who ever sets out to become that loser living with his mother?) But somehow, that is what all our best intentions turn our kids into.

That is what happened, to us.

I don't know whether my kids would have turned things around without our help, or died, without our help. I only know what we've been doing has not helped them. I know I did not set out to raise dependent kids. I know I did not raise them to blame other people for their problems. But I did (unknowingly, unintentionally) teach them that if the story was good enough, we would save them from themselves.

I was the one that needed to change.

So, I did.

I don't know how this is all going to resolve. I do know that once I could see my own part in what happened to my kids, once I could understand that there are kids who pick up and do the right thing, once the parent gets out of the way ~ boy, did I get out of the way.

It's like Recovering always says: Once we change, everything changes.

I know how hard this is. We have had to face the exact same things, too.

Cedar

 

[recoveringenabler]

Oh boy Upallnight, I hear your frustration and anger and we here sure know how that feels! I'm sorry this is happening now.

Is there a way you can pay for the truck and get it put in your name and then sell it? At least that way it won't ruin your credit. It seems pretty likely that your son will continue to not pay his bills so that way husband won't be responsible for it.

I have a 41 year old who "lives in the moment" and over time I had to stop all payments, all help, everything..........it was overwhelming me emotionally and financially so I knew I had to stop all of it across the board.

If you haven't already, it may be helpful if you read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post.

They are adults and therefore they are responsible for their choices. Perhaps you and husband can talk about it and make the decision to stop all financial support for your son, no matter what it is, the free ride is over.

I hope you feel a little better today.............wishing you peace of mind and sending you big hugs..........

 

[Nomad]

Wow! He really has a problem with money as most, if not all, difficult children do. I noticed this with my two children. Our easy child was since childhood able to save for things, but my difficult child would spend every cent she got immediately. Impulsivity? Lack of cause and effect reasoning? Our easy child, as a young adult is doing very well, and difficult child struggles BADLY. If he open to suggestions and would follow them, I would talk with him or get him a therapist. But, only if he accepts he has a problem. Chances are you'll need to butt out and of course, never co sign anything for him and don't give him money. Consider making some of your holiday gifts during the year on the practical side...like two new tires for the truck, etc. Sigh. Hopefully his spouse will get tired of this and together they will mature.