difficult child finally called

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Oct 2, 2010.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    difficult child just called. He got 15-21 mos with the possibility of a 4 mos early release, which means he could be out as early as July of next year, 6 mos before he turns 17yo. I am so glad because I was afraid being in there until he was over 17yo would just ruin what little chance he has left to ever get past all this and learn necessary life skills before turning 18yo and getting out of high school. He is very lucky- he could have gotten 18 or 24 mos and actually should have if the guidelines were followed strictly but I've heard that sometimes they "forget" to read the part about adding more time on if a kid behaves well while in processing. I didn't tell him about the job- I want to do that in person tomorrow.

    A lady came by and bought all the books on mothers raising sons, bipolar in kids, and difficult child issues. She said she has 3 boys and one just turned 10yo. I just said "good luck, I wish you well, and Bless you for the road you'rre going to have ahead of you".

    Thank you all so much for sticking with me thru what has been the toughest period of my life. I have realized the past few days that I have to let go of myy dreams for difficult child- they just simply aren't going to happen- at least not the way I'd hoped. And I have to be a mom to who he is, not who I wish he was. And if any of those dreams I had for him are to ever happen in his life, it will be because he wanted it for himself and he made it happen and all I can do is try to support and assist him thru it at this point. And I realize now that I can't expect him to live his life to fulfill my dreams- not that I ever did really- I just saw so much potential in him. But he has to form his own dreams and reality at his age. It's much sooner and much more cut and dry instead of gradual, as I'd hoped, but I'll adjust.

    I watched Dr. P a couple of times on TV last week. He told a group of parents that while we all sacrafice for our kids because we love them and want to do what they need, when/if it gets to a point that our lives are going down the tubes and the kid still isn't getting any better, then it means the disorder has taken over our lives as well as theirs and we are enabling the disorder, although not intentionally. The only way to not let the disorder destroy everyone once it gets to that point is to save ourselves, then try to help our kids from a different angle. But letting it continue to destroy us isn't saving the kid. Food for thought, at least for me. It's feeling guilt and like a failure of course, that leads us to this point.

    I am praying that the jurisdiction I move to actually believes in MH treatment, not just behavior mod, and that the substance abuse program difficult child is required to complete while in Department of Juvenile Justice is a good one with a good therapist who gets it, and that difficult child ends up getting it and wanting to change as he matures another year, that him being kept informed about me pulling myself up and out of this mess over the next year helps him have faith in himself that he can do it too, and that I somehow find a way to be a better parent to him by next summer.
    Last edited: Oct 2, 2010
  2. Bluemoon

    Bluemoon Guest

    All the best to and for you. I think that advice from Dr. P makes alot of sense. We cannot help anyone if we ourselves get lost.
  3. tawnya

    tawnya New Member


    But I think you've done the best that you could have, given the situation. Don't be too hard on yourself.

    Hugs to difficult child, too.
  4. Jules71

    Jules71 Warrior Mom since 2007

    I watched Dr. P and took away that point as well. Hang in there. ((HUGS))
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I hope this all works out for the best. Sometimes kids just need that very structured environment to survive. Cory never did well outside if one and that is why I so wished he could have gone in the military. I think he would have thrived there. It just wasnt to be.
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I just got home from visiting him and will update in a bit after I make some phone calls about stuff I'm selling.

    I thought that Dr P did a ggreat job in that show last week about this stuff and even though he was talking to families where the kids a specific and the same disorder, his words rang true to me and I thought of many of us on this board who gradually get caught up in this taking over our lives and feeling guilty if we don't "go down with the kid".
  7. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Boy, it hurts like hell when we get to that point where we realize that we need to lower our expectations for our kids and give up our dreams for their future. I remember sitting down with our financial adviser, discussing how much money we would need to invest to get them through grad school!

    Good luck to you ,k ,and to your son. Congratulations on the new job.
  8. Jena

    Jena New Member

    klmno - ((hugs))) you really have come full circle with all of this. your thought process and growth in this and in yourself is astonishing. you are a really strong person and your words made so much sense and were so far from where you were so long ago.

    good 4 u and him.
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I don't know what to add, just that you have really come a long way. I'm glad you finally got the info on the release. The Dr. Phil show sounded interesting and on-point. Defintely something we should all do for ourselves.