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difficult child gone off deep end
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 606580" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome back Jane. What a sad story. I am so sorry you have had to go through all of this with your daughter. It is a terrible pain in the heart when there are grandchildren involved who are completely helpless. I understand your struggles.</p><p></p><p>I can empathize with your experience because I have a grown daughter (40 years old) who has a (17 year old) daughter whom I am raising. My daughter never asks about her daughter and can walk right by her in my home and not even acknowledge her presence, so yes, it is possible for a mother who once was connected to her child, to become completely disconnected. </p><p></p><p> My daughter has not been diagnosed, she does not believe there is anything wrong with her..........she is not aware of the suffering she has left in her wake. She acts very much like your daughter just with different circumstances. Whatever the cause, they can wreck havoc and great pain in the lives of those around them and not have any remorse or even knowledge of it. I have come to accept that is how my daughter's brain is wired, I can't explain it or understand it, however I am clear that I can't do anything about it. </p><p></p><p>In a way your grandchildren are extremely fortunate that others have stepped in to help them and in fact love them and nourish them. That is huge and something to be grateful for.</p><p></p><p>The rest of the story, to my way of thinking, with my own experience and knowledge is about you letting go and detaching from your daughter's negative choices. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. </p><p></p><p>Once your granddaughter is safely away from your daughter, that sounds like a good time to let go. I hope you are getting some kind of support, therapy, a parent group, something for you to get cared for. NAMI, which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness can be accessed on line and they have chapters everywhere. They offer parent courses and support groups which are absolutely invaluable for us parents. They can also offer you resources your daughter may be eligible for if she is ever interested in pursuing that for herself.</p><p></p><p>In my opinion, now it's time for you to take the focus that has been on your daughter and her poor choices and your grandchildren's plight, and place it onto YOURSELF. There is nothing more you can do. She is refusing help. She is an adult. She is the captain of her ship, not you, no matter how poor her choices are, they are her choices. I hope she doesn't bring any more innocent children into the world...............</p><p></p><p>Your grandchildren are safe, or about to be. You've done all you can. You've done a good job. Your job as parent is over. You are close to my age and at our age we are supposed to be finished with parenting and enjoying our impending retirement. My advice to you is to get all the support you need to detach from your daughter and go enjoy YOUR life with your husband. You've been through the ringer, go nurture yourself, laugh, enjoy the sunset, have a wonderful dinner with your girlfriends, have a pedicure, go on a cruise, take a long walk in the woods, whatever, go enjoy LIFE! Many big hugs to you..........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 606580, member: 13542"] Welcome back Jane. What a sad story. I am so sorry you have had to go through all of this with your daughter. It is a terrible pain in the heart when there are grandchildren involved who are completely helpless. I understand your struggles. I can empathize with your experience because I have a grown daughter (40 years old) who has a (17 year old) daughter whom I am raising. My daughter never asks about her daughter and can walk right by her in my home and not even acknowledge her presence, so yes, it is possible for a mother who once was connected to her child, to become completely disconnected. My daughter has not been diagnosed, she does not believe there is anything wrong with her..........she is not aware of the suffering she has left in her wake. She acts very much like your daughter just with different circumstances. Whatever the cause, they can wreck havoc and great pain in the lives of those around them and not have any remorse or even knowledge of it. I have come to accept that is how my daughter's brain is wired, I can't explain it or understand it, however I am clear that I can't do anything about it. In a way your grandchildren are extremely fortunate that others have stepped in to help them and in fact love them and nourish them. That is huge and something to be grateful for. The rest of the story, to my way of thinking, with my own experience and knowledge is about you letting go and detaching from your daughter's negative choices. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. Once your granddaughter is safely away from your daughter, that sounds like a good time to let go. I hope you are getting some kind of support, therapy, a parent group, something for you to get cared for. NAMI, which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness can be accessed on line and they have chapters everywhere. They offer parent courses and support groups which are absolutely invaluable for us parents. They can also offer you resources your daughter may be eligible for if she is ever interested in pursuing that for herself. In my opinion, now it's time for you to take the focus that has been on your daughter and her poor choices and your grandchildren's plight, and place it onto YOURSELF. There is nothing more you can do. She is refusing help. She is an adult. She is the captain of her ship, not you, no matter how poor her choices are, they are her choices. I hope she doesn't bring any more innocent children into the world............... Your grandchildren are safe, or about to be. You've done all you can. You've done a good job. Your job as parent is over. You are close to my age and at our age we are supposed to be finished with parenting and enjoying our impending retirement. My advice to you is to get all the support you need to detach from your daughter and go enjoy YOUR life with your husband. You've been through the ringer, go nurture yourself, laugh, enjoy the sunset, have a wonderful dinner with your girlfriends, have a pedicure, go on a cruise, take a long walk in the woods, whatever, go enjoy LIFE! Many big hugs to you.......... [/QUOTE]
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