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difficult child, gparents, meltdown
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<blockquote data-quote="Fran" data-source="post: 179166" data-attributes="member: 3"><p>Steely, I just have a few questions and thoughts. Take them or leave them since I'm not in your shoes or home. </p><p></p><p>When you speak of difficult child not wanting to see his grand parents, I wouldn't push it. He should have a choice. We get choices in who we want to visit with or not. However, it's your home and you should be able to entertain your parents if you choose. He can be polite and retire to his room. </p><p>When you speak of abuse are we talking about beatings or enforced confinement or average style spankings that were common in that era? I think there is a difference. </p><p></p><p>Our difficult child's are born with a brain wrinkle and just living in a real world heaps confusion, stress, and expectations on them. They don't get it and end up acting out. There is a choice between living in the social world or staying in an isolated, protected life. Some of our kids(mine) will probably not make it out there. He will always live in a supported, insulated environment. If your son has intentions of living out in the world, he can't punch holes in the wall. It's unacceptable in the real world. Can he function with these social rules? Besides it disrespects his own home. </p><p>I think the grown up world terrifies them and they react primitively. Flight or fight I suspect. </p><p></p><p>I don't know if your parents inflicted such pain on their grandchild to say he has deep emotional scars from it but I suspect that they have expectations of behavior for a 17 yr old that your difficult child can't/won't ever be. The fear of disappointment is a constant in the lives of our difficult child's. So they fight or fly away. My son chooses to stay away with short visits. It's too much work to stay controlled for that long of a time. You on the other hand, have as much right to visit or stay connected to your parents in any way you or they choose. </p><p></p><p>I hesitate to put blame and point fingers at how family treats my difficult child. He is not an easy kid to be around. It's a lot of work and most of the time, we are flying blind in how to react to difficult child. It's probably unfair to expect grandparents, aunts or uncles to know how to be with our difficult child's. This isn't a disability that lends itself to sweet, loving reactions from family and friends. It's hard, sometimes ugly, uncomfortable and just a little out there half the time. It's unrealistic to expect perfect grandparents, perfect parents, perfect teachers, preachers, neighbors or even strangers on the street. The best I hope for is some understanding without the ugly judgement of difficult child. If judging people harshly is the norm in your family then they will make difficult child feel judged as falling short in their expectations but on the other hand are you judging them harshly for their failings? Are they trying the best they can? Is difficult child? It's all we can hope for isn't it?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Fran, post: 179166, member: 3"] Steely, I just have a few questions and thoughts. Take them or leave them since I'm not in your shoes or home. When you speak of difficult child not wanting to see his grand parents, I wouldn't push it. He should have a choice. We get choices in who we want to visit with or not. However, it's your home and you should be able to entertain your parents if you choose. He can be polite and retire to his room. When you speak of abuse are we talking about beatings or enforced confinement or average style spankings that were common in that era? I think there is a difference. Our difficult child's are born with a brain wrinkle and just living in a real world heaps confusion, stress, and expectations on them. They don't get it and end up acting out. There is a choice between living in the social world or staying in an isolated, protected life. Some of our kids(mine) will probably not make it out there. He will always live in a supported, insulated environment. If your son has intentions of living out in the world, he can't punch holes in the wall. It's unacceptable in the real world. Can he function with these social rules? Besides it disrespects his own home. I think the grown up world terrifies them and they react primitively. Flight or fight I suspect. I don't know if your parents inflicted such pain on their grandchild to say he has deep emotional scars from it but I suspect that they have expectations of behavior for a 17 yr old that your difficult child can't/won't ever be. The fear of disappointment is a constant in the lives of our difficult child's. So they fight or fly away. My son chooses to stay away with short visits. It's too much work to stay controlled for that long of a time. You on the other hand, have as much right to visit or stay connected to your parents in any way you or they choose. I hesitate to put blame and point fingers at how family treats my difficult child. He is not an easy kid to be around. It's a lot of work and most of the time, we are flying blind in how to react to difficult child. It's probably unfair to expect grandparents, aunts or uncles to know how to be with our difficult child's. This isn't a disability that lends itself to sweet, loving reactions from family and friends. It's hard, sometimes ugly, uncomfortable and just a little out there half the time. It's unrealistic to expect perfect grandparents, perfect parents, perfect teachers, preachers, neighbors or even strangers on the street. The best I hope for is some understanding without the ugly judgement of difficult child. If judging people harshly is the norm in your family then they will make difficult child feel judged as falling short in their expectations but on the other hand are you judging them harshly for their failings? Are they trying the best they can? Is difficult child? It's all we can hope for isn't it? [/QUOTE]
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