difficult child -- Gratitude From a Newcomer Here - Thanks!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by HeadlightsMom, Aug 25, 2014.

  1. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    I just joined this site today. I kept seeing, "difficult child" and not knowing what it meant. Google time! "Gift From God". difficult child.....difficult child.....difficult child.....

    As I saw this written frequently, I saw how just using that phrase can change impact. difficult child. Even if it changes nothing in my outer circumstances with our "difficult child", it changes my inner state. Reminds me of what a long and winding road it has been -- yet we're still here. Reminds me of the few-and-far-between times when he smiles and his eyes light up -- as do ours, as parents. Reminds me that each of us has an inner battle in some form or another -- some more blatant than others. Reminds me that while they are our difficult child's, we are also their difficult child's.

    Most of you are accustomed to hearing/saying difficult child as you've been here a while. For me, the newbie, I find it most refreshing and cleansing. A positive impact can be felt quickly. Thank you all for the difficult child gift today!
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  2. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member


    Yes, I felt that same way when I first heard difficult child...but you know?

    I never thought of myself as a difficult child in return!

    You are right, though.

    Welcome, welcome, welcome.

  3. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Scent of Cedar (by the way, love your username!)! I am of the general feeling that pretty much everyone and everything in our lives is a "difficult child".....No matter how we react to difficult child's, they are quite a learning experience (about the world, about others, about ourselves). Learning -- even painful learning -- is a Gift From God.

    But don't ask me to attest to that one a really baaaaad day! Hahaaaa! :)
  4. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I have to admit, I tend to not use difficult child. When I first realized what it meant, my thought was, "Why would God be that mad at me?" o_O

    The other day I saw a post on Facebook that said, "God never gives you more than you can handle, but I wish He didn't have so much faith in me."

    I'm a work in progress.
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  5. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    Hi Lil. I really appreciate your post. Yeah, that was my first thought, too.... my "Shake-My-Fist-At-God Moment". Occasionally, I still feel that way. Some years ago, I made a conscious decision to alter my paradigm to seek more positives in The Big Picture. I'm a work in progress, too, so I don't always succeed. But I do seek positives intentionally.

    Raising our difficult child took a toll on my health (and my husband's). When I had cancer 2.5 years ago, I took a friend's advice (who had successfully battled cancer) -- cut out all the unnecessary bad things AND add in necessary good things like laughter (for me, that meant being silly with friends and having my daily dose of I Love Lucy and The Big Bang Theory!). At the time, I was caretaking for my father and worrying/strategizing to death over my son. Honestly, I told 'em both it was my turn -- Told 'em I would not be caring for either of them for 3 months. I took 3+ months off all of my responsibilities (I'm a school sub -- Special Education, K-12) and my workplace was fabulous. Interestingly, my father and my son both stayed away without complaint.

    How refreshing it was for me to focus on ME! I never went back to my "old format" of caretaking. In this way, cancer was a difficult child for me. This experience of intentionally choosing self-care and positives whenever possible (which is usually) taught me more than I can express. ** It may not be for everyone, but it is for me. Life has enough challenges as it is....I seek a more positive inner atmosphere than the maelstrom which swirls around me at times.

    Drama Tornado. That's what I call unnecessary chaos.

    I view life as a combo classroom and amusement park. I learn a lot and some thrill rides are great fun! However, some rides just suck and make me want to hurl. I do my best to ride the fun ones as often as possible!

    Following surgery and radiation, my cancer reports are now free and clear these days. 2.5 years down, and 2.5 years to go until declared "free" of cancer. I'm on it, baaaabyyyy! My life is here to be lived and to love those I love (including our son) the best I can. But I cannot live his life for him. Tried to. He didn't change and it damn near killed me. I learned.

    He lives his life and I live mine. He is always in my heart and sometimes our paths cross. When things are good, I extend that visit -- gratefully. When things are bad, I just cut it short -- realistically. And I am directly honest with him about it. I just say, "It looks like this is a bad time. Let's try again later."

    Whether that works for him or not is his call. All I know is that's what works for me.

    Thanks, again, for your great post, Lil..........thought-provoking in insightful ways!
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  6. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Oh I do like very much that perspective that we are their difficult children. Many folks have told me that in so many words. But, this makes me smile.
    Thanks. :)
  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome HLM, excellent post, I completely agree. Our perception of reality is what makes all the difference and it looks like yours is filled with positives. Glad you're here, your perspective will be helpful for others, I hope you continue posting.