difficult child has been violated by PO

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Apr 7, 2010.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    He'll go to an arraignment in May, then have the actual trial the following month. Depending on how he does between now and then will determine what PO recommends to the judge. His house arrest is extended- PO is waiting to see how drug test comes out but won't know until next week because it has to be sent out to a lab.
  2. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Sorry, klmno. I guess you knew this was coming . . .
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Oh- and I went ahead and confiscated the cell phone this morning.
  5. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    I'm sorry klmno, but I have to tell you I'm also glad that the PO violated difficult child. If he hadn't, it would have sent a horrible message to difficult child.

    Was difficult child at all fazed by this?

    I still (after 16+ years of dealing with full-blown gfgness) don't understand why the concept is so hard for some of our kids to grasp. There are rules. We must follow the rules. Period. If we fail to follow the rules, it's our fault - no one else's. thank you still cannot grasp this simple idea and it makes me nuts. That old around-the-hoop thinking - it doesn't work for them but they refuse to give it up.

    Sigh.... how are *you* doing?
  6. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    My guess would be if he pulls his head out of his hiney and shapes up, that things could still look good for him? But if he continues to do as he's been, the last thing he'll be worry about on his 16th birthday is driving privelages, huh?

  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Shari ande slsh- those are the exact things PO talked to difficult child about. And that these "friends" won't be sitting in Department of Juvenile Justice with difficult child, or if they do end up there it won't be for support.
  8. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I'm so sorry it went this way. Hopefully he will learn before it is too late....
  9. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Was he phased? difficult child walked around 2-3 days believing he was going to get locked up today, so he's relieved about that but hasn't said too much about the rest of it. He looked very...well, like he'd been backed in a corner at PO's office and hasn't spoken much since we left. We're going toe at real quick, then he's supposed to leave with his mentor.
  10. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm glad he's seeing the mentor today, I think the timing of that is good. Someone else to talk to about the whole situation.

  11. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I too think it's a good thing he's seeing his mentor today. He had a good experience with him on Monday, so hopefully he can get difficult child to open up about how he felt with the PO and all. I totally agree about taking the cell phone away. Until he really, really makes an effort to comply, and is consistent with those efforts for a period of time, three hots and a cot should suffice.

    Is the mentor "allowed" to talk to you about the things they talk about together?
  12. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Well, supposedly the mentor would let me know if there's anything of major concern that the parent should know. HOwever, they are really reporting to the PO and have a lot more communication with him. So, ultimately it's the PO that everyone is reporting to, not the parent. They probably do it that way in juvenile courts in order to find out if/how a family might be contributing to the problem and order somthing to address it. However, I'm hoping that I'm not left in the dark if there's something I should know before sitting in a court room getting accused of something by a GAL that isn't exactly accurate or true- again. Like- being accused of letting difficult child do something that I never even knew about because you know, I wasn't in the loop so I was the last to find out it was even going on.

    I'm finding that this mentor isn't dependable at all when it comes to time though. He can't stickk to when he says he's going to be here or how long he'll have difficult child out for even one day. That's causing me some difficulty with the people I'm working for and with difficult child the way he's been, I'm can't have him wait in the car, stay home alone, or sitting in a diiferent room there while I go meet with them.
    Last edited: Apr 7, 2010
  13. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I kind of wonder though, after 3 months of having a mentor take you out all over the place to do stuff several times a week, what is supposed to replace that when he's gone? I guess that goes back to difficult child making better choices about his friends to hang out with.
  14. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    it's not like a big brother/big sister program where they are with you for years. It's more of a transitional program. Helping the kid get a handle on re-entering home, school and society. Perhaps also lending an ear if the kid has concerns, fears, etc. A successful mentoring program always has the goal of self sustainage - the mentoree being able to use the tools, tips, skills learned. A boy your son's age would be able to understand that this is a temporary lifeline put into place to help him adjust to "life on the outside".

    If you are having issues with the mentor not following a schedule, you need to call his supervisor and complain. You would not be the only parent of a mentored child who has to work. I would call the office and let them know. Or, if you prefer, speak to the mentor yourself the next time you meet up and let him know that you have work to do and need him to be on time and follow the timeline given, period. If he can't comply, then call his supervisor. Whichever way you feel the most comfortable with or whichever way you think will solve the problem quickly.

    I think I would also stress to either the mentor or the supervisor that your son has some issue with being able to trust the elder men in his life and this is the wrong way to start out this arrangement. Any program worth it's weight will respond.

  15. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    That's a good idea. I'm not as worried about difficult child bonding too much, then being hurt anymore. I'm just visualizing difficult child getting in the habit of having this extra stuff to do, then when it's not there, him sitting around bored and going right back to "easy friends" and trouble. But, maybe I'm just worried too much about that since the point is to help him get constructive things in place while they taper services down. I think I was told that they could extend services if difficult child still needed them after 3 months. Of course, that's assuming he gets his head in gear and can make it ITRW for the next 2.
  16. Robinboots

    Robinboots New Member

    Wow. I'm impressed. Around here they stall violations till the cows come home. Well, the DJO was ready and willing, but her supervisor has to approve them and HE is a major doink. HE is the reason difficult child went to foster care a year ago, because he believed all the "poor little child victim" cr*p that difficult child dished out.
  17. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well...seems PO is on the ball but I wish it didnt take a month to get into arraignment. Consequences seem too far out. He could be good as gold by then and the hammer fall down hard.

    I have missed it and cant find it...when did he get a cell phone and why? I thought that was a no go from the get go.
  18. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I just had another thought. Once a little more time goes by and you see that this mentor is making a positive impact of difficult child, is there any reason why difficult child, mentor and a couple of his buddies from school can't meet for a game of hoops or to hit a baseball around the field. Perhaps including some of his friends will give the mentor a clearer picture of who difficult child is choosing to hang with and give difficult child's friends the message that difficult child is working to make better choices.
  19. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Janet, I think I covered this stuff in 3-4 threads back. He first started violating house arrest requirements, then apparently snuck and bought a pre-pay cell while out. We won't go into where that money came from but that's another story. PO gave him a warning then that very night he snuck out with a friend and I found him gone and locked the doors. He swears they were in our backyard hanging out but it was dark and I didn't see him. So, he didn't knock or call and just happened to be wearing clean clothes he needed (JROTC PT) for school the next day and ended up being out all night- then ended up skipping school Fri and not coming home til 8:00 PM. I knew PO was out until Mon., sso I reported it to mentor and also called police once I get scared that difficult child had run away and not just skipping out for a while. Then, difficult child stayed out all Sat night but got stuck sleeping a few hours outside in the wee hours of the morning- which is probably the only thing that kept him from following thru with his plan to run away. (He had a backpack full of camping gear packed, but changed his mind 15 mins after he left with it Sun.) He's been compliant since then and confessed to me what all - at least for the most part- he did yesterday and it was what I had feared- well, not sex but drugs.

    ETA: They just came back. After mentor left difficult child asked me if I had told the PO about the drugs and I said yes and the plan was that if the drug test comes back positive, difficult child will have some counseling to address this urge (we can't really say it's an addiction at this poiint) for substance abuse and if difficult child is compliant with that and does not get another positive drug test, then he will not recieve a parole violation for it (I think that's what PO said) but he said he would bring it up in court as what actions difficult child has taken to get his head back in gear before doing something else illegal. difficult child that was probably a good thing that I told the PO because he had just told his mentor. So, I think everything is out in the open now. difficult child said he even told the mentor that he had been drinking fluids the past 2 days trying to flush his system out. Oh- and difficult child's friend had planned to run away with him because his mom was so mad at him she threatened to kick him out but difficult child hasn't heard from him in several days. (I said there was another phone confiscated then.) difficult child said he had gotten caught too. And they were planning on going to the state my bro is in. Sigh.

    I had mentioned that to police on Friday when I thought difficult child had run away. He said they would look for him there and get him and extradite him back because he's a juvenile in the state Department of Juvenile Justice system. They are able to do more due to being a state thing instead of just local detention, I guess. You know, it scared me after I told all that personal stuff to the judge that time a couple of years ago, then the next court difficult child had she immediately put him on a suspended sentence to be turned over to state Department of Juvenile Justice. I'm starting to see how that helped minimize the chances of difficult child ending up with my bro. The remaining problem is the stupid GAL who doesn';t get that bro really isn't a good guy and I'm not the quack he made me out to be because at the next court, we will be in front of a different judge. Fortunately though, the PO and I are working together and he's not blaming me for all this.
    Last edited: Apr 7, 2010
  20. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ugh ugh ugh.

    I had tried to play catch up but it all wasnt wrapping around my head clearly...lol.

    Im telling ya, these kids will be the death of themselves. You can tell them, lecture them, give them all the info and tools but unless they really decide to take the actions it aint happening. Cory makes some of the most boneheaded decisions sometimes. I just shake my head and walk away. Its not my butt on the line. Really now with your son, its not yours either. He is making these decisions for himself. He will have to pay the piper with his own life. 15 isnt 12.