difficult child has been violated by PO

klmno

Active Member
That's right! I didn't realize you had posted just now so I edited my last post and added a little more recent info. It has been a whirlwind the past week so I can understand it would be almost impossible to catch up on it.

difficult child likes his mentor and PO so if he's ever had everything in place, it is now. Especially since we are all working together and there's no friction that I know of. This might be the best shot difficult child ever had. I wish he'd had it at 12yo, but as you alluded to- at 12 they are blaming the parent and not concentrating on what the kid needs.

difficult child and the mentor ended up hanging out at the mall today and playing demo games and eating ice cream. They are going to the museum tomorrow (I'm still shocked that that is one of the first places difficult child asked to go but I used to take him to various museums when he was younger- before the stealing spree started - I was afraid to take him after that. )- although the mentor says he needs to confirm times and if the museum is open. Sigh. If he doesn't call and confirm this evening as he said he would and then show up on time tomorrow, I will call tomorrow because I did stress to him today that I am scheduling things with these people around what he tells me.
 
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klmno

Active Member
LDM- I just found a previous reply from you that I had overlooked. I had listed on one of my goals (we had lists for his, mine, and ours), for difficult child to meet/have appropriate friends. And I had mentioned at one point that it would be nice if there was a way for them to help difficult child in this area- we are also hoping that JROTC opens the door for difficult child to meet good kids with good goals. Yeah- I think after some of the more critical things transpire, I should discuss this concern again. And if there are kids that difficult child already knows who are really trying to stay on a decent path (albeit they are still teens), it would be great to start getting together with a few so difficult child has a community type social life in place- that was what I was trying to say before when I said I was worried about what happens after mentor is gone. This is really the big problem and would offer difficult child the feeling of acceptance by peers and so forth without doing something illegal. And if difficult child ever makes it to that point, I think he'll find that those friends are supporting each other in goals like college or military and other things difficult child talks about- they aren't going out roaming the streets or partying in the middle of the night at 15yo.
 

CrazyinVA

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Thinking on the positive peer side... I don't know your religious beliefs, but have you thought about getting difficult child involved with a church or synagogue youth group? Some of them are very active and do some pretty cool stuff that might appeal to him.
 

klmno

Active Member
I tried to get him involved when he was really trying hard last summer- he would go to church with me but wouldn't go to a youth group or function. He really does have a few different type issues when it comes to filling like he fits in with any kids except "bad" kids. I have offered to get him back in church if he wants to go. If he gets his head on straight he very well might- I noticed that toward the end of his incarceration, he had said he was reading the bible again and brought home the one they gave him to read in Department of Juvenile Justice (he was allowed to bring it). And, he has one that I got him as a gift a few years ago so he does look in that direction some when his head is on straight and I am more comfortable with it being his choice and not a parental requirement.

You know- he brought up to PO today that he does go long periods and does well, then loses it. I told PO that was true- but every late winter/early spring, he loses it and it all goes to pot (figurately speaking). PO is aware that we used to think this was bipolar, now no one does. But PO said "I have no idea what it is but difficult child, you need to help us find what the problem is and do your part, if there is something you need help with, tell your mom, or mentor, or me- we will get you whatever we can between the three of us. I will give you leeway if you mess up once on something, but if I tell you that's it and not to do it again and you go right out and do it anyway, I'm violating you".

Oh- regarding the length of time until the arraignment- in this state if a juvenile is being held in detention upon an arrest, they have to be arraigned with 2 days, I think it is, but since difficult child wasn't arrested, this is a parole violation, then he remains free. Those remaining free until arraignment just have dates set whenever available- this keeps the worst offenses moving thru the system quicker and gives time for the offenders of less serious things to stay in school and show if they are going to straighten up or get worse prior to going to court to determine a punishment. That being said, if a kid already is awaiting an arraignment and was allowed to be "free" during that time PLUS is on parole/probation, and a parent calls police on the kid, the kid will most likely be put in detention right away. So, if difficult child continues the bad stuff and I call cops, he won't be sitting at home for another month.

Last year, difficult child was missing school half the time so they didn't care about trying to put it off- plus given his offense, it didn't have me pushing for him to come home. As a matter of fact, I was pushing for Residential Treatment Center (RTC) but told the prosecuting attny that difficult child could NOT come home right then. So, they pretty much had to do something quick. If difficult child continues the way he was acting last week and thru the weekend, we will be at that point again.
 
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susiestar

Roll With It
So the PO violated him, but it just means that difficult child is still home, same restrictions, and has to go to court next month to see what, if anything, will happen. Being *violated* just means he got another lecture. Punishment will be later, maybe, but nothing soon.

This reminds me of the court koi we went through after Wiz' last assault on me. There was NO immediate consequence for his actions, which meant that he really didn't fully connect things. There was about a month where he never wanted more than 1 outfit to be dirty because he didn't know if today was the day someone would make him go live somewhere else. For a couple of days it wasn't bad. When it hit a MONTH it was just too much. I was still adamant that I could not safely have him here, but I didn't want him to live in limbo forever. So when my parents pushed to get him to live there, well, husband and I gave in. (The court assumed that if they delayed a week or two over and over then I would give up and bring him home. The officer has told me that was the judge's instructions to him. REALLY angered me, because it was unjust to Wiz, to me, and to all of the family.)

I really pray that difficult child learns his lessons and can follow the rules until the arraignment. It seems like a very heavy burden to carry and a long time to carry it.

I also pray that this doesn't drive YOU around the bend.

Hugs to both of you
 

klmno

Active Member
That reflects how it worked on difficult child (or didn't work) before his incarceration but after this incarceration, the wait for court is not being blown off this time, it appears. But, if he does go back to sneaking out or whatever, he can be held in detention from his arraignment til the court date, or he can be put on a detention program and sent home with a gps monitor and with that program, they do home checks and the gps is actually monitored by a guard at the detention center 24/7 and police are sent out to get him if he violates. So, the biggest hurdle will be the next 4 weeks. Fortunately, this first few days with the mentor seems to be effective and helping but we'll have to see if he maintains this after spering break and he's back at school with friends for a couple of weeks. If this does get his head back on straight, they will be happy with that and less concerned about making sure he gets a consequence for this first violation.

Keep in mind that although a parole violation is serious and gets a kid back in front of a judge who can recommit him, it is not as major as another arrest. If he was/is arrested while on parole, especially now while already having a scheduled court appearance for a violation, they most likely (almost certainly) throw his rear in detention until the court date. And if I need to call police again, they will take it more serious even if I don't wait very long after difficult child has left. Before, even after he'd been out all night they said they would not go looking for him.
 

susiestar

Roll With It
Whatever they do, I just pray it opens his mind up enough to realize that he MUST follow rules like everyone else. And that he follows through and stops breaking the rules.

Hugs.
 

klmno

Active Member
Yes, we all do. Most adults like him, oddly enough given all he's done, so everyone I know wants to see him make it.

I found out earlier that the mentor doesn't plan to see difficult child again until Tues. or Wed. of next week- then he told me he never had Fridays or Saturdays available and sometime in the future might be able to occasionally work in a Sunday with difficult child. So I called PO and the director of the company and told them both that I'm happy with the guy other than this problem with not scheduling far enough in advance and sticking to it and now this issue of not seeing difficult child again for almost a week (very bad idea right now) and that I had told people up front that some time would need to be done on weekends and everyone had said tthat would be fine and a good idea for difficult child but now this guy says he can't do that- apparently he's planning on giving difficult child the entire 7 hours/week required from Mon-Thurs in the evenings after school. Nope. So, we'll see. The director says he thinks he can get something worked out about these things- except the part about the time from now until next week. Whether or not difficult child can maintain that long, being the last half of spring break and me not being able to do anything special with him is really pushing it, in my humble opinion.

He's been compliant though since Sunday- although he had a meltdown today and I now have another hole in a wall. So I should clarify and say he's been complaint with parole requirements and doing what I ask, but he obviously broke a house rule by losing his temper and kicking the wall. I'll be glad when school is out, assuming he is able to find a job- he can start paying some of his own restitution and repairs on walls and maybe he'll learn to to keep putting them there.
 
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