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difficult child Home from First Semester at College
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<blockquote data-quote="WearyWoman" data-source="post: 570720"><p>DDD - So sorry you received the dreaded call, but also so glad to know your DS survived. I can only imagine the struggle with his rehab. Your post gives me courage, and I take heart in knowing I'm not alone. Much of my fear is driven by the fact that I distrust my own ability to cope with tragedy, and thus, I live in a state of perpetual fear, waiting for the other shoe to fall, so to speak. Letting go of control is tough for me. I want to control so that nothing bad happens. Foolish as this is, it's been my practice, and difficult child seems to sense my fear and even thrive on it.</p><p></p><p>Midwest Mom - Don't worry, we won't be footing the bill for irresponsible behavior. His truck is in our name, not his, and he doesn't have it on campus with him. We pay for his phone, but that too is in our name, and service can be easily cancelled. Yes, we ARE paying most of his college bills, as I mentioned in the original post. I realize 18 is not a magic number for adult maturity, and of course, that's been a concern about difficult child going to college in the first place. We are in a state of transition. We do demand that he perform well in college, and he is aware that we will not fund failing grades. If he fails a class, HE will need to pay to retake the course. If this extends the time to his graduation, HE will need to pay for the extra semester of room and board, etc. We don't qualify for any sort of financial aid except student loans, which do not cover most of his costs. He would not be able to get additional loans in his own name without us as cosignors. We are privy to his grades, although final grades have not yet been posted for all of his classes.</p><p></p><p>Respect is something with which JT really struggles. I do feel disrespected by him, and it's a real effort on his part to accept our position as his parents. He did pay for his own underage drinking fine. We also sold the moped when we learned he didn't wear a helmet. We are actually very strict parents with him, and he knows that.</p><p></p><p>You say it is usually a bad idea to send a difficult child off to college; that there is a lack of supervision. I can tell you feel strongly about this. Whether JT is home or away from home, he still has the ability to make many, many decisions about what he does. We cannot supervise him constantly, and nor do I want to supervise him constantly. JT has wanted to be an industrial arts teacher for years, and he cannot get that degree at a local school. He idolized his high school teachers, who encouraged him to pursue it. He is very talented in that area. He graduated high school with honors and a 3.4 GPA and scored a 25 on his ACT without studying at all, and on one section of it, he scored a 30. If JT fails to succeed in this college, it will be by his own choices and because of his poor self-regulation, as you mentioned. If that happens, he will suffer those consequences, and at that point, he can choose whether to go to a community college locally for a different career field.</p><p></p><p>Calamity - Wow, our situations sound very similar! I am very encouraged that your son has matured somewhat and that it's easier to be around him now that he is older. I have hope that our son will also mature at some point in terms of his attitude toward us. On a daily basis, I remind myself that JT's problems are JT's problems now that he is an adult, not my problems. He will be the one dealing with the consequences, and he may need to suffer those consequences before he can manage to make better choices.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="WearyWoman, post: 570720"] DDD - So sorry you received the dreaded call, but also so glad to know your DS survived. I can only imagine the struggle with his rehab. Your post gives me courage, and I take heart in knowing I'm not alone. Much of my fear is driven by the fact that I distrust my own ability to cope with tragedy, and thus, I live in a state of perpetual fear, waiting for the other shoe to fall, so to speak. Letting go of control is tough for me. I want to control so that nothing bad happens. Foolish as this is, it's been my practice, and difficult child seems to sense my fear and even thrive on it. Midwest Mom - Don't worry, we won't be footing the bill for irresponsible behavior. His truck is in our name, not his, and he doesn't have it on campus with him. We pay for his phone, but that too is in our name, and service can be easily cancelled. Yes, we ARE paying most of his college bills, as I mentioned in the original post. I realize 18 is not a magic number for adult maturity, and of course, that's been a concern about difficult child going to college in the first place. We are in a state of transition. We do demand that he perform well in college, and he is aware that we will not fund failing grades. If he fails a class, HE will need to pay to retake the course. If this extends the time to his graduation, HE will need to pay for the extra semester of room and board, etc. We don't qualify for any sort of financial aid except student loans, which do not cover most of his costs. He would not be able to get additional loans in his own name without us as cosignors. We are privy to his grades, although final grades have not yet been posted for all of his classes. Respect is something with which JT really struggles. I do feel disrespected by him, and it's a real effort on his part to accept our position as his parents. He did pay for his own underage drinking fine. We also sold the moped when we learned he didn't wear a helmet. We are actually very strict parents with him, and he knows that. You say it is usually a bad idea to send a difficult child off to college; that there is a lack of supervision. I can tell you feel strongly about this. Whether JT is home or away from home, he still has the ability to make many, many decisions about what he does. We cannot supervise him constantly, and nor do I want to supervise him constantly. JT has wanted to be an industrial arts teacher for years, and he cannot get that degree at a local school. He idolized his high school teachers, who encouraged him to pursue it. He is very talented in that area. He graduated high school with honors and a 3.4 GPA and scored a 25 on his ACT without studying at all, and on one section of it, he scored a 30. If JT fails to succeed in this college, it will be by his own choices and because of his poor self-regulation, as you mentioned. If that happens, he will suffer those consequences, and at that point, he can choose whether to go to a community college locally for a different career field. Calamity - Wow, our situations sound very similar! I am very encouraged that your son has matured somewhat and that it's easier to be around him now that he is older. I have hope that our son will also mature at some point in terms of his attitude toward us. On a daily basis, I remind myself that JT's problems are JT's problems now that he is an adult, not my problems. He will be the one dealing with the consequences, and he may need to suffer those consequences before he can manage to make better choices. [/QUOTE]
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