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General Parenting
difficult child I has broken probation & house arrest
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 169506" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>"If you were a cool mom you wouldn't have called the police" - like WHO ELECTED HIM THE ADJUDICATOR ON WHAT IS COOL?</p><p></p><p>He does not get to define the terms, the rules, or anything. You ARE a cool mom because you did the right thing even though it was not what you want for your son.</p><p></p><p>It is definitely UNCOOL to walk out of school "because you're bored". VERY uncool.</p><p></p><p>Going back to juvey - UNCOOL. </p><p></p><p>Expecting the world to owe you a living - UNCOOL. </p><p></p><p>Treating your mother with disrespect - VERY UNCOOL.</p><p></p><p>Being so selfish that you act like your enjoyment in life is all that matters - VERY UNCOOL.</p><p></p><p>Do not let him define the terms. Do not let him make ANY such statements without challenge.</p><p></p><p>It's all part of how he tries to see the world - be redefining it, to make it seem like he is the hero, and everyone else the enemy, out to spoil his fun.</p><p></p><p>So if he ever says, "You're uncool," or "you're mean," remind him that he has forfeited his right to any validity in his opinion. Everyone else thinks otherwise about you - and so do you. And for you, THAT is what matters, how YOU feel about yourself.</p><p></p><p>I guess this also connects to what Adrianne was saying, about that book on how kids manipulate. Because you all accepted the label "uncool" as inevitable. And it is not. You throw it right back at him and refuse to own it, then move on to the main topic (from which he is trying to deflect you) - HE DID THE WRONG THING and is throwing accusations and labels around to distract everyone from this.</p><p></p><p>Sounds like the pattern of manipulation was set long ago, maybe by their father who learned it at his mother's knee... and it is part of the abuse in which these boys have been steeped, that it is OK to treat their mother like this and to disrespect her and call her names.</p><p></p><p>UNCOOL. Very.</p><p></p><p>YOU did the right thing.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 169506, member: 1991"] "If you were a cool mom you wouldn't have called the police" - like WHO ELECTED HIM THE ADJUDICATOR ON WHAT IS COOL? He does not get to define the terms, the rules, or anything. You ARE a cool mom because you did the right thing even though it was not what you want for your son. It is definitely UNCOOL to walk out of school "because you're bored". VERY uncool. Going back to juvey - UNCOOL. Expecting the world to owe you a living - UNCOOL. Treating your mother with disrespect - VERY UNCOOL. Being so selfish that you act like your enjoyment in life is all that matters - VERY UNCOOL. Do not let him define the terms. Do not let him make ANY such statements without challenge. It's all part of how he tries to see the world - be redefining it, to make it seem like he is the hero, and everyone else the enemy, out to spoil his fun. So if he ever says, "You're uncool," or "you're mean," remind him that he has forfeited his right to any validity in his opinion. Everyone else thinks otherwise about you - and so do you. And for you, THAT is what matters, how YOU feel about yourself. I guess this also connects to what Adrianne was saying, about that book on how kids manipulate. Because you all accepted the label "uncool" as inevitable. And it is not. You throw it right back at him and refuse to own it, then move on to the main topic (from which he is trying to deflect you) - HE DID THE WRONG THING and is throwing accusations and labels around to distract everyone from this. Sounds like the pattern of manipulation was set long ago, maybe by their father who learned it at his mother's knee... and it is part of the abuse in which these boys have been steeped, that it is OK to treat their mother like this and to disrespect her and call her names. UNCOOL. Very. YOU did the right thing. Marg [/QUOTE]
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