difficult child I is more difficult child then I realized

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by amazeofgrace, Jun 7, 2008.

  1. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    This kid (who is 17) is driving me nuts, he is home for his 1st complete day on house arrest and he is out of control. I am watching him cycle from semi normal to some kid I do not even know.

    The court is making him return to school Monday, and he is nervous because the kid he stole from is in 3 of his classes, and the kid wants to fight him, and he is telling me he will have to fight him, which will break his probation, and he'll be going back to JV anyways.

    He is playing the coach carter DVD, which has a music rap video on it, over and over and over and over again. He has snuck and used my cell phone twice to call a homie and get the dirt on what's what, after he was told no phone use, now my cell has the security code in it for the 1st time ever.

    He is livid I will not accept collect calls from his friends from the correctional facility and wants the address so he can write them. He is not willing to earn any priveldges back and difficult child II is jumping in with the "you're being mean and unfair to him" $R%^$$#

    I am worried, on the fence about taking him for an evaluation, ecspecially on a weekend when the pediatric unit is not in. I am watching him switch traks and I am the primary target when he hets angry. I have made home worse then jail, he says. He has his room, TV, DVD player and food and can watch cable in the main family room. Am I being so harsh?

    He helped my Mom move the couch, and he comes to me and says I helped Gramma can a friend sleep over, he could not wait to hear me say "no" which I did, hello Grand Theft and breaking and entering are not a petty crime! He just doesn't get it! And now he's telling me he is not getting a job until I let him use the phone, I said "tell that to your probation officer Friday!"

    I am so frustrated, I doubt he will make it through the weekend without trying to "bounce" and then he'll be exactly where he wants to be!
  2. Sara PA

    Sara PA New Member

    Fight-or-flight is rearing it's ugly head again. He's scared and anxious. For guys, fear and anxiety result in fight-or-flight response. Can't run so he has to retreat into his electronics or fight. Moms are good to fight with.

    He may be so scared and anxious about going back to JV that he might do something to get sent back just get it over with. The waiting and wondering is too overwhelming for him.
  3. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Amazeofgrace, Are you safe? 17 yr olds can be dangerous. Do you have a plan in place for when his anger toward you gets too much?
  4. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    I have pepper spray? I do not think he'll go there in the past when he has I have sat on him (my extra 100 pounds come in handy) I also now sleep with my bedroom door locked.
  5. mom_in_training

    mom_in_training New Member

    Wow, You already expected this. I do not think you are being to harsh at all. His telling you that he won't do this or that until you give him what he wants is sooooo 17. He broke the law, Got caught and now he has to face the consequences for his bad choices. I would not give in for one minute, All that would do is just prove to him that he has the power and that is the worst thing you can do. You hold on to that power and do not let him bully you into submission. If he gets into a fight at school then so be it, That is his choice, I can tell you that it surely is not for the right reasons though (A peer thing). Just a thought, But can you change scools by chance to try and head off this peer thing? I agree with the others as well as far as protecting yourself, Its a tough spot to be in as a mom especially if you even have the thought that your own would have any violent tendencies towards you, So be careful but yet stay tough and don't give in. I have had major powerplays with my difficult child and its no fun but I refused to cave knowing that it was the right thing to do, I took my chance and in the end it worked out. (I won) No it's not all about winning its about holding onto the consequences that you have in place and not giving him the satisfaction of over powering you. He already knows hes being a pain and pushing your buttons waiting for you to cave.
  6. Sara PA

    Sara PA New Member

    But it isn't his choice to get into a fight at school. It's the other kid's choice and there is nothing difficult child can do to stop him if that's what the kid chooses. In most schools, you are just as guilty of fighting if you are attacked as you are if you attack someone. PO officers tend to take school officials word for things. And there's a chance he'll be hurt.

    I don't know about anyone else, but if I had to deal with the idea that something like that would happen to me when I went to work on Monday, I'd be pretty upset and likely wouldn't go.
  7. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    I actually called the principal and officer on duty at the school, I voiced my concerns and I will be walking him in on Monday. I had actually asked that he did not have to return to school, being he's already pretty much failed, but the Judge insisted he return. I am worried and I understand his anxiety. But he's demanding all his priveledges back and he has yet to apologize or show remorse for what he did, he is basically sorry he got caught.
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Calling school officials is a good move. While I understand he is scared and anxious, it is NOT an excuse for his behavior.

    Have a plan in place for when he lashes out at you. ANY and ALL violence should result in a call to the police/911.

    If you give back priveleges, even for ONE phone call, then you have lost the power. He will then try to run all over you.

    If he runs, call the PO. With the house arrest YOU are in charge of monitoring him, so if you don't it could come back on you.

    I would not wait for remorse or an apology. I don't think you iwll get a sincere one, not for many years (when he is grown and trying to raise a child!).

    You can't control the fight, so I owuld not worry about it if you can.

    I hope the rap music doesn't drive you nuts. It would me.


  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Yikes. 3 classes together?
    I'm glad you called the school. Good move.
    I agree, you cannot give in on anything. Moving the couch was great but that's part of what being a family is all about.
    Wish I could help more. Please stay in touch.
  10. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    jingle bells and wind chimes now grace each and every door of my house, LOL I think the neighbors know when we are going in and out now!

    He is no better today, he went out with my MOm to get job applications, She thinks i am being too hard on him and that i should call his 14 y/o girlfriend's mom and ask her to reconsider letting her daughter see my 17 y/o criminal mind son! She got upset when I accused her of being an enabler. It takes one to know one, I admitt it, I know I enabled S2BX for too many years but I will not do it and lose my kids from it!