difficult child: I want chinese food, I want chinese, she sounded like a 2 year old.

[Jody]

Oh my goodness, these home visits are pure torture. I don't know how I will ever live with her full-time again. I just don't think I can.

She comes on her visit Friday night. I ordered a pizza for her, and I watched movies that she picked out. Okay, Saturday comes and we go to the grocery store. I buy groceries that I eat during the week, healthy items, but I also remember to get some things that she likes. I make tacos, like at 3 pm made with ground turkey. She liked it because she sure ate enough of it. 5:30 PM, she starts crying, I want chinese food. They deliver, I said no. We just went to the grocery store. More of this tantrum. being loud, whining, crying. I want chinese food now. I am like what is going on here. Are you kidding? She says no I am sick of all of this healthy ****. I want some regular food. She gets louder and louder so she can distrub my landlord who lives next door. I told her to be quiet she was being too loud, mistake. She says do you want loud, really, do you want loud. Okay now she starts really howling. I ignored it and walked to my bedroom, to take care of my dog who is sitting on the bed trying to get away from the craziness. He doesn't want to be around her ecspecially since last weekend, with her throwing and having a big tantrum.

It is funny how she can be satisifed at her foster home with ramen noodles for supper, but when she's at my house she will ruin a perfectly good evening with a tantrum over chinese food that no one ever talked about having that night for supper. I am at a loss as to why she does this, she really sounded like a 2 year old. SO frustrating. How do you keep an apartment when you have a kid that comes home and is so disruptive. I don't know what they are going to do with me, as far as the courts are conscerned but I don't think I am going to allow her to come to my house for visitation again. I love my apartment and I want to keep it. Ugh. I am so sick of this, she's thirteen years old, when will it stop???????????????????????

 

[ready2run]

maybe when she does that at her foster home it works. i don't have any real advice for you. we had to move when difficult child came to live with us because no one could stand the sound of him, so we now live in a detached house where they won't be bothered as much. not many other options.

 

[Jody]

ready2run,

She doesn't do it there. She is starting to test them though. She is more reluctant to do that stuff when there is a man in the household. I can't afford a house right now and I really just love my apartment. It is perfect for me other thanmy difficult child ruining it. I would like to stay there forever. I have had to move so many times before because of the drama. I just really want to stay where I am. It's a nice affordable apartment. It is all on one level which is great for me and my arthritis and fibromyalgia, and they allow me to have my dog Broady. It has a nice yard for him to play in and I have decorated the front with pretty flowers. I love it here. I just don't want to leave. I have a pretty picture window in the front that broady and I like to look out and all hardwood floors and for the first time a kitchen that is separate from the front room. I just want to be home. I hope I can somehow manage that.

 

[Malika]

Hello Jody. I would be interested to know how your daughter would explain her behaviour after the event - at 13, she must have an opinion and perspective about this, however immature she is.

 

[Jody]

She's says she's sorry, she didn't mean to, and then in the same breath, get over it mom. It's the same behavior as she had when she was a lot younger, she knows she's wrong to do it and it's ridiculous, sometimes I can stop her and say lets' think about this for a minute and she will see how ridiculous it sounds and sometimes she will even smile because it is so ridiculous, but yet it doesn't stop her from doing the same thing over and over again.

 

[Ktllc]

I am not and have never been in your situation, but could you think of some "survival" skills for yourself? Techniques/measures that would have the sole purpose of protection you/your interest? How about putting your daughter in the car as soon as she starts howling and drive a way from your neighborhood so YOU don't suffer any stigma? How about just getting the chinese food? I understand it is against any educational principles... but could that save you? Be selfish and focus on you and your needs. Easier said than done, but stop worrying about doing the "right" thing for your difficult child. Simply do what is right for you. After all, you say she does not seem to care about your feelings so give her a taste of her own medecine. But not to necessarly teach her something, but simply to give yourself some relief.
I don't know if it makes any sense or even possible, but just a thought...

 

[HaoZi]

When she said she wanted Chinese food, did she mean she wanted Ramen? Or something more exotic?

 

[JJJ]

She needs a consequence for that behavior. I think not being allowed to visit at your apartment next time is a logical consequence. Can you visit her at the foster home or at a park near their home??

 

[ready2run]

well, my 12yo does the same thing @ my parents house during the week. we only have her weekends but she doesn't do that here, although she knows if she starts i will either force her to stand in the corner until she is quiet ten minutes(which can take forever) or call my mom to come get her as i have enough problems with the other kids that i HAVE to look after and don't need her starting more. maybe pack her up and take her back to her foster parents and tell her that you hope next time she can behave so you can spend the time having fun.

 

[Marguerite]

"et over it mom" means "I am too embarrassed by my own behaviour, I don't want to talk about it, I want it all to go away. But I am not going to learn how to change to better behaviour, I will have the perfect excuse to do this again whenever I choose."

Tell her this next time you have a post mortem and she tries the "get over it, mom." Bad behaviour needs to be resolved, not 'gotten over'.

It's odd about the Chinese food - difficult child 3 hates it. I cook a lot of Chinese food (I'm good at it, it's easy, it's fast and it's healthy) but I generally have to arrange a different meal for difficult child 3.

On the subject of Chinese - I would ask her what particular Chinese food she had in mind. Any? Would she have let you order? Or did she have a particular dish in mind? I would suspect the latter, and I also suspect it was either high sugar or high carb. Teen girls (and teen boys) can suddenly get really bad munchies and cravings. I'm betting your daughter had a sudden yen for something with noodles (fried or steamed) and lots of protein. If you had offered her a clear chicken soup I bet she would have not wanted it.

by the way, I have a fast recipe for good, authentic Chinese chicken stock. It takes from 20 minutes to 40 minutes, depending on what sort of hurry you are in. I use leftover chicken carcasses from a roast meal, or I'll buy chicken bones or chicken necks and use those. Put in pot, cover with water, add salt (to taste) and put in a bouquet garni with Szhechuan peppercorns, a star anise and slices of fresh ginger. You can just toss in the peppercorns but you would then need to strain the stock, and I find that is a hassle. Then to turn it into a soup meal, simmer in some vegetables and perhaps some wontons or dumplings (which I buy frozen for steaming or throwing into soup). Or you can add some creamed corn and thicken it all with cornstarch and a little water. Make sure it simmers for a few minutes after you add the cornstarch, to remove any floury taste and make sure it has thickened properly. You can add egg flower too (look it up - easy).

I'm still betting she did not want soup. But the peppercorn/anise/ginger flavour can really give a Chinese flavour and if that was it, it could have helped.

I find the Chinese stock is also more effective for invalids - I think the ginger touch helps. And herbally, ginger breaks a fever.

On the subject of soup - we were on holidays once and I wanted to make some chicken stock, I needed to save some money on the next meal. So I told the kids the story of stone soup (ref- Jim Henson's "Storyteller" series). easy child 2/difficult child 2 fetched a smooth rock from the garden of the apartment we were renting. I put it in the pot and we acted out the story, with me as the vagabond trying to trick the miser. I put in literally rubbish - the leftover barbecued chicken from the day before, now mostly bones with leftover stuffing. Carrot peel. The outer skins of an onion I had used (I had previously made sure I had at least one fleshy onion layer). A teaspoon of salt. Each time I added something I included it in the story. I even added a small amount of Vegemite - use whatever you have but make sure you don't get too silly! And it tasted great, it really did seem like magic. The kids tasted the soup (which normally they wouldn't touch!) and I used it later on to make a risotto which they wolfed down. I strained out the rubbish, I peeled any residual meat off the bones and added that as well. Then all I needed to make a gourmet Italian meal was a cup of rice, a knob of butter and some grated Parmesan cheese. It fed all six of us that night. So we'd had an entertainment (me, acting out the story), a good meal and a valuable lesson, all in one. And it was very inexpensive!

easy child 2/difficult child 2 would not put that stone back in the garden. Instead she brought it home and when she left home a few years later, she took it with her. She keeps it in her kitchen and calls it her "soup stone".

Marg

 

[keista]

I can identify. DD1 doesn't get loud on me, but she does continue on and on and on and on for DAYS sometimes if her want (obsession) is not satisfied. Nixing the next home visit is a good natural consequence if she gets too loud. Indulging the want is a good temporary fix, but if she's ultimately supposed to come back and live with you, then in my opinion it is NOT a good idea because it will set a bad precedent. If I'm not mistaken, these visits should be like "practice" for coming back home.

Stay strong.

 

[Wiped Out]

Hugs, Jody. I know how draining those tantrums are from older kiddos. My difficult child still has them even though we talk about it and he receives consequences. Sometimes I am able to get him redirected by looking at him and saying, "If you want to have a tantrum fine, it won't change anything but it might get you another consequence." Depending on his level of stability it will either work or not.

 

[DDD]

My memory may be wrong but IF I remember correctly she loves to pull your chain. It just happened to be Chinese this time. I'm sorry.

If she truly is causing such a problem that you could lose your apartment do you have the option of taking her back to the foster home once it occurs. Most often I seek our a mediation concept but my memory of your relationship leads me to think that the rules could dictate "let's cut this visit short and hope that next visit is more pleasant for all of us". Not my usual response but it seem appropriate. DDD