difficult child in psyche hospital...finally?!

[change]

Hi Everyone,

First - let me apologize for only coming here to vent and not checking in with y'all regularly. I have chronic headaches and try to stay off the computer for any lengthy periods. Also, I actually do read updates here from time to time on my phone.

My daughter is a full-blown difficult child now. Last Tuesday, we got a phone call from the h.s. that she had stolen $51 fro the school business office and was caught on camera. Instead of sending her to juvenile detention, they released her to us and suggested we check her into a hospital. I did that and had to spend close to 6 hours at night dealing with the process.

Am I sinful for feeling relieved for a break from her? She lied and said she was suicidal to go there instead of juvi. At the same time, I feel sick to my stomach over other people finding out where she is. We have already lost one child back to the state 2 yrd. ago over endangering her and us. Not many people know the details. Now I feel judged everytime she messes up. I feel like a total failure as a parent. Another thing, I feel sinful for thinking "3.5 more yrs. and we won't be legally responsible for her anymore".

Please tell me I'm not the only one who's felt this way. I'm tired and ready for this to all be over. I feel like I wasted my youth on these kids because they refuse to change and there's nothing anyone can do about it.

 

[mog]

I know that it is hard for you for difficult child to be gone. I have struggled with this myself - I just got mine back after he went around telling people that he didn't want to live at home so they granted him treatment foster care. Broke my heart that he said that. I was already struggling with things that my step children went around saying to our "friends" in order to gain their trust so they could use them to leave home. They didn't want to follow the house rules so they left. Bio mom a drug addict that is why we had custody. They soon learned that I was right and they were hurt to find out that she really didn't want them around even now. Its still a daily issue.
Anyway- when difficult child left the first time I was floored. I was so depressed and I cried all the time. MY easy child had a hard time dealing with that. I didn't take any time to try to focus on what I wanted to happen when difficult child came home and it made things hard. You are not the only one counting down the days to not be legally responsible for the stupid irresponsible things that our difficult child's do. I don't know the full story---but don't do like I did. Use this time to recharge yourself and rest your mind and body. Hopefully she will work the system correctly and the two of you will have a different relationship when she comes home and the countdown won't be full of dread but plans for the future.

 

[timer lady]

change, I have to tell you parenting a kid with attachment disorder is iffy at best. The prognosis is iffy at best; children with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) will drain the life's blood & take you to your knees more times than you care to count - it has me

It's okay to feel relieved that difficult child is now in the hospital & you're getting a break. It's okay for you to feel that you don't want her back home (I never did).

wm lives away from us for likely the same reason that your other difficult child is no longer living with you. There's no guilt involved for that - safety issue.

Anyone who would judge an adoptive parent - any parent for that matter - whose children has mental/emotional issues hasn't walked in our shoes. I'd blow that off - not worth the emotional energy.

Take this time to reconnect with husband; spend time for YOU alone. I'll be keeping you & yours in my thoughts.

 

[slsh]

Hi Change, and a big old hug for you. You are most certainly not the first person to feel relieved to have a break from difficult child, and definitely won't be the last. You're also not the first person to feel guilty for feeling that relief. Our kids can take us to some emotions that we never dreamed we'd be feeling.

You are not a failure as a parent either, not by a long shot. I remember well the mortification I used to feel over some of thank you's stunts. Heck, I *still* get nervous when I have to talk to a teacher or a principal or a police officer... and yet there would be my little cherub, mouthing off the vilest kind of garbage to anyone in authority, trying to run or kick or spit or bite, just... ugh, I wanted to evaporate into the ground. This *isn't* how I was raised and it sure wasn't how I was trying to raise him.

After a whole lot of embarrassment and mortification, I finally decided that it just plain old didn't matter what other people thought. We were doing the very best that we could, and heaven knows school staff and the village police were aware of it since they were involved in almost as much difficult child junk as we were. Neighbors, strangers, friends? They simply cannot know what you're dealing with, Change. You could try to explain it to them but they still really aren't going to get it. I mean, really... so much of what we deal with is so Twilight Zone. In the long run, if they find out where she is, and what they think of it, just doesn't matter a bit. Your daughter may very well wear this as some kind of a twisted badge of honor and freely broadcast where she's been. Some things you can control, some you can't, but in terms of shame over where she is now and what *she* has done... please don't do that to yourself.

It's really really hard to not see our children's choices as a reflection of our parenting, our morals, whether or not we're good and decent people. But some kids just take that really rocky path and it's in spite of our very best efforts to keep them on the straight and narrow. That's not our failing. It's their choice. All we can do is keep trying to get them back on track, try to build up their own resources and coping skills.

I hope you're taking this break to do some self-care. Please be kind to yourself and recharge your batteries. Hopefully the hospital staff will be able to come up with some plans and resources for you guys.... but in the meantime, she's safe and supervised.

Again, a gentle hug for you!

 

[DammitJanet]

Hugs Change and Ditto on everything Sue said.

 

[tictoc]

Hi Change,
I'll be sending kind thoughts your way. I was wondering about your chronic headaches, being a (former???) chronic headache sufferer myself. What does your dr say about them? Are they stress/tension related? If so, I'll post more of my saga of coping with chronic tension.

Good luck.

 

[TerryJ2]

Heck no! I know how you feel! When my difficult child was in psychiatric hospital, husband cried all the time and missed him so much. I was happy for the break!

You are dealing with-a lot because of the attachment issues. It will take yrs. I say, let the experts take a crack at it.

And DO NOT worry about what other people think. If anyone even begins to judge you, smother them with-kindness and say, "I am so worried about my daughter, and really appreciate the fact that you are worried about all of us, too." And walk away.

I feel for you on the headaches, too. been there done that.

 

[change]

Thank you ALL for responding to my vent. I do feel better reading these and not so alone. When our difficult child son went into this very hospital over 2 years ago, I was in shock then sad every single day up until recently. This time, I am more frustrated than sad and even though I still mourn the family I thought we'd be, I've come to terms with everything that she likely won't accomplish. I know I absolutely need to get thicker skin. I drive myself crazy sometimes over the feeling of being judged.

For those of you advising me to take time for me, you are so correct. I feel guilty about it but I won't lie. It's been so nice to not have to monitor someone 24/7. My husband is in colege, works full-time, and also has a small business so we haven't "gone out" or anything but we have definitely spent a few quality hours alone together since she's been gone. I'm amazed he can keep it together and stay so focused. We are blessed with a strong relationship between each other but I know we need to spend more time alone together...thus the "counting down".

Tic Toc- my chronic headaches began before we adopted because I have a ruptured disc in my neck and a bulging one right below (accident). My neurologist has told me repeatedly to take it easier and keep stress to a minimum. HA!!! I take Topamax daily and Excedrin Migraine daily for the headaches and Maltrex or Fiorecet when they're really bad. I grind my teeth at night which contributes to waking with a morning headache. Any tricks you know to relieve tension would be much appreciated!!

Thank you Sue for your very nice note. It was reassuring. I need to get serious about blowing off the "judgement" from nosey people.

I agree that unless anyone's walked in our shoes, even a little, they have no idea at all about what we've been through.

Hugs, prayers, and good thoughts to all of you. I can tell you've been through the same ringer we've been going through.

 

[TheyAreLegallyAdultsNow]

(((((((((((((HUGS!!!!!)))))))))))))

Change,

My heart goes out to you! You've gotten wonderful advice here! Don't feel guilty about enjoying time for yourself!!!

I'd recommend keeping copies of your child's psychiatric diagnosis and a layman's definition (such as the above linked factsheet) with you wherever you travel, and in locked in a safe (easily accessible by you and your husband) place in your home.

Should the police come knocking responding to Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)-typical "false allegations of abuse against parents" those official documents with doctor's signatures can be very handy in directing officers to address the source of the problem.

<3