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difficult child in youth home again...from a newbie
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 306585" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Hi horserider, </p><p> </p><p>My son is 19. He's been on probation for 3 years and has one more year to serve before he is free and clear - then got more tickets/fines and jail and now has more $ to pay out. (Lovely) He's now a convicted felon, was in so many placements due to his behavior that he never graduated (most Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s as you know are not accredited) and is doing his best now to stay in Adult Ed and get his GED hopefully this Spring and walk with a graduating class at the local high school. </p><p> </p><p>Probation doesn't seem like it works until they have to start earning the money to pay. That doesn't hit reality until they have to start actually working and giving THEIR paycheck for court costs and probation fees and the reality of YOU WILL GO TO JAIL looms over their heads if they do not AND the possibility of probation violation six years prison - is mandatory. It has done wonders - well maybe not wonders - but it's been an eye opener for our son. Nothing else was. He's managed after this last little episode to avoid being on an episode of COPS, to get his vehicle back after not having but a learners permit and driving to the tune of oer $2500 in fines - to actually and possibly GET his license, and doing like the officer told him to do - finding a church network of new friends, a hobby, stay out of trouble, off the streets, and involved in something besides criminal activities OR - six years in state prison. </p><p> </p><p>Apparently when the cop cut him a break - he decided it was time to grow up. He's realized this last year he wants an education - doesn't want to give his entire pay check to the state, and can be civil to his parents. He is currently living in foster care because he can't live here. Oil and perfume don't mix. Someday with powder perhaps we can be layered but until then? It's a work in progress. </p><p> </p><p>As far as bullying? Nope, nada - YOU WILL GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL. Never ever will make ANY bones about that one - and WILL NOT BAIL YOU OUT, OR SAVE YOU period. You raise a hand at me - you are going where ever the wind blows your butt. PERIOD. I've put up with a lot in my life - but the first and only time he ever even contemplated raising a hand to me? The best thing he did was walk out of my home. The best thing I did was not literally pound him into the earth and call 1-800-needa casket. I had 13 years of that baloney with his biofather - never ever will it happen again. I called the police - reported him. They picked him up as a runaway, brought him home and then took him to a childrens home. He wasn't arrested because he didn't actually raise a hand - otherwise he would have been arrested for assault. My rule on that was golden. </p><p> </p><p>In our world, with our kids there has to be room for forgiveness and bending. However - with hitting and battery? I won't. Not an inch. My thoughts were that IF I ever gave him a chance with me - he would figure his girlfriends (someones daughter) would owe him a chance, or someones Mother (maybe a co-worker) would owe him a chance later in life. I got him out of that life when he was 6 - got into therapy - and stayed in therapy with him until just this March. It's paid off too because for as angry as he's gotten at girls - he won't "hit a female" - and that is worth it's weight in gold. </p><p> </p><p>I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers tomorrow that your son is moved to a better place where he can get help and counseling and therapy for his anger issues. It doesn't bother me so much about the medications. Most of our kids do refuse because they just can't see the point and sometimes they're right. So if he does refuse the medications? Stand by him and say "Fine, that's your decision it's your body - and I'm proud of you for making healthy choices." (then pause) "So if you are making all these healthy choices for your body - then you must want to make healthy choices for your mind and that begins with speaking to a therapist long term and dealing with your anger issues, and finding good coping skills instead of hitting, and acting out - I'm very proud of you for that too." <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /> -A lot of kids don't know that it is OKAY to be angry - but there has to be someone to show them APPROPRIATE WAYS to BE angry and how to cope with anger - ie: breathing techniques - walking away, yoga, meditation, drawing, journaling, EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION is awesome and for both of you. (GOOGLE IT) you'll love it. It teaches you how to speak to your kid so he'll actually listen to you...and talk to you. It's like this whole other language you never knew. </p><p> </p><p>THere's a book too - called just that - How to talk to your kids so they listen and how to listen so they'll talk or soemthing like that. It's fantastic - and theres one for teens - OMG it's phenominal. Has a workbook in it and everything. Works for people at work too - lol. </p><p> </p><p>Keep us up on whats going on in court tomorrow and know we're sending the power of the board with you. </p><p>Hugs </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 306585, member: 4964"] Hi horserider, My son is 19. He's been on probation for 3 years and has one more year to serve before he is free and clear - then got more tickets/fines and jail and now has more $ to pay out. (Lovely) He's now a convicted felon, was in so many placements due to his behavior that he never graduated (most Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s as you know are not accredited) and is doing his best now to stay in Adult Ed and get his GED hopefully this Spring and walk with a graduating class at the local high school. Probation doesn't seem like it works until they have to start earning the money to pay. That doesn't hit reality until they have to start actually working and giving THEIR paycheck for court costs and probation fees and the reality of YOU WILL GO TO JAIL looms over their heads if they do not AND the possibility of probation violation six years prison - is mandatory. It has done wonders - well maybe not wonders - but it's been an eye opener for our son. Nothing else was. He's managed after this last little episode to avoid being on an episode of COPS, to get his vehicle back after not having but a learners permit and driving to the tune of oer $2500 in fines - to actually and possibly GET his license, and doing like the officer told him to do - finding a church network of new friends, a hobby, stay out of trouble, off the streets, and involved in something besides criminal activities OR - six years in state prison. Apparently when the cop cut him a break - he decided it was time to grow up. He's realized this last year he wants an education - doesn't want to give his entire pay check to the state, and can be civil to his parents. He is currently living in foster care because he can't live here. Oil and perfume don't mix. Someday with powder perhaps we can be layered but until then? It's a work in progress. As far as bullying? Nope, nada - YOU WILL GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL. Never ever will make ANY bones about that one - and WILL NOT BAIL YOU OUT, OR SAVE YOU period. You raise a hand at me - you are going where ever the wind blows your butt. PERIOD. I've put up with a lot in my life - but the first and only time he ever even contemplated raising a hand to me? The best thing he did was walk out of my home. The best thing I did was not literally pound him into the earth and call 1-800-needa casket. I had 13 years of that baloney with his biofather - never ever will it happen again. I called the police - reported him. They picked him up as a runaway, brought him home and then took him to a childrens home. He wasn't arrested because he didn't actually raise a hand - otherwise he would have been arrested for assault. My rule on that was golden. In our world, with our kids there has to be room for forgiveness and bending. However - with hitting and battery? I won't. Not an inch. My thoughts were that IF I ever gave him a chance with me - he would figure his girlfriends (someones daughter) would owe him a chance, or someones Mother (maybe a co-worker) would owe him a chance later in life. I got him out of that life when he was 6 - got into therapy - and stayed in therapy with him until just this March. It's paid off too because for as angry as he's gotten at girls - he won't "hit a female" - and that is worth it's weight in gold. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers tomorrow that your son is moved to a better place where he can get help and counseling and therapy for his anger issues. It doesn't bother me so much about the medications. Most of our kids do refuse because they just can't see the point and sometimes they're right. So if he does refuse the medications? Stand by him and say "Fine, that's your decision it's your body - and I'm proud of you for making healthy choices." (then pause) "So if you are making all these healthy choices for your body - then you must want to make healthy choices for your mind and that begins with speaking to a therapist long term and dealing with your anger issues, and finding good coping skills instead of hitting, and acting out - I'm very proud of you for that too." :winking: -A lot of kids don't know that it is OKAY to be angry - but there has to be someone to show them APPROPRIATE WAYS to BE angry and how to cope with anger - ie: breathing techniques - walking away, yoga, meditation, drawing, journaling, EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION is awesome and for both of you. (GOOGLE IT) you'll love it. It teaches you how to speak to your kid so he'll actually listen to you...and talk to you. It's like this whole other language you never knew. THere's a book too - called just that - How to talk to your kids so they listen and how to listen so they'll talk or soemthing like that. It's fantastic - and theres one for teens - OMG it's phenominal. Has a workbook in it and everything. Works for people at work too - lol. Keep us up on whats going on in court tomorrow and know we're sending the power of the board with you. Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
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difficult child in youth home again...from a newbie
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