difficult child is back.......

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by JKF, Nov 28, 2012.

  1. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    In jail. Yup. Right back where he started from a month ago. I just got a call from him before. Apparently he was arrested at the shelter yesterday morning on not one but TWO new charges. Theft and possession of stolen property. He, of course, denies that he did anything wrong and also denies being in possession of any stolen property. His bail is $10,000 with a 5% option and his court date is Dec 7th. In a way, and this is sad, I'm relieved he's back in jail and not on the streets anymore. At least I know WHERE he is. I'm not sure what will happen but I have a feeling he'll be there longer than 2 weeks this time. It's the second time in one month he's been arrested for the same thing.
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Geez, the ups and downs of difficult child land...........I guess he will be suffering through his natural consequences now..........at least you don't have to worry about him for awhile.........your relief about his being in jail and not on the streets is a statement we hear a lot here........at least they're safe.............I'm sorry you went through so much trying to arrange everything, but perhaps you can begin to relax a bit now, put your focus on yourself and your other son and your husband....sigh......... (((HUGS))))
  3. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    I have literally been sick to my stomach for weeks. I thought I had a bug but now I'm 99% sure it was from all of the stress. As soon as difficult child called (his one "free" call) my stomach felt better. I feel like that's so twisted. But it's because I know in jail he'll at least have food and shelter and warmth. And just think, a month ago I thought jail was the worst thing ever. This has been one h*ll of a ride and its not anywhere near over yet but at least I will be able to sleep tonight knowing he's "safe".
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I know that level of stress, really try to be kind to yourself, rest, relax, go have some fun.........there will likely be another round down the road a bit, so while you have the time and you know he's safe, use this time to your advantage and de-stress...........take care of you, keep up with all the healthy strides you've made...........it's like we're in a war zone sometimes and you have to learn to rest in between battles........
  5. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I understand your relief of at least knowing where he is, I have also been there. It is something I never could get through to some of my close family members.
    (((blessings and peace for us all)))
  6. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Now that he's back in jail I'd like to try to figure out a plan for him WHILE he's there. Last time he was just released and that was that. He ended up homeless for 3 weeks. His CMO worker is a moron. The guy is lazy and does nothing. Always says he tries to call so and so but can never get through. Yet when I call the same ppl I always get through! So anyway, I asked the guy earlier what can we do different this time and he's like nothing. SO frustrating!!!

    Do any of you have any suggestions? He'll be there at least a week. He's in a different state so that makes it harder to help him but I'd like to try to have some kind of plan in place for him when he gets out!
  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I have no idea for a plan, however, I recall it being a constant issue that he didn't have any ID. Is it possible to get an ID to the jail so when he gets out, he will have some kind of identification which sounded like that would make any arrangements for him easier to make from where you are.... Is there someone you can call at the jail, DA, court appointed attorney, a liaison of some kind who can give you some information? There are likely others here who can help you more, I don't have that much experience with that. Since you're posting in PE, you might try asking the same thing in Substance Abuse where the kids are younger and the parents may have more info for you........
  8. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the advice RE! I appreciate it! I'm going to try the jail tomorrow then work from there. The problem with the ID is that he lost it and needs to go himself to DMV here in NJ to get a new one. I have all of his documents - BC, SS card, insurance card, etc - but not his actual picture ID. I just want to try to spare myself the same craziness of last time by trying to be proactive this time. difficult child simply does not have the mentality to figure this out on his own and I want to try to help him so he can move forward.
  9. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I, too, remember the relief of knowing where they are, even if it's detention/jail. It's a convoluted emotion that only a difficult child's parent would understand, that's for sure.

    Our difficult children are their own worst enemy sometimes. But it's never their fault. I'm kind of a hard line "tough love" cookie, and after all the calls you made last time, only to have him throw it all away, I'm not sure I'd spend much more energy on it this time around. Maybe place a call to your contact at the shelter where he was, to see what they can offer. Wasn't there a chaplain or someone you spoke to? That might be a start. My stance tends to be the one my therapist put in my head years ago: "don't work harder than they do." So often I would make calls and put things in place, only to have one of my difficult children ignore them and do what they wanted anyway -- my "work" was wasted effort. But as always, you have to do what works for you, and what you can live with.

    If your stress is causing you physical symptoms (been there done that), it might be worth a visit to your family physician to talk to them about it ... since it may take awhile to see a psychiatrist.

    Hugs. I know this rollercoaster hoovers... take care of you.
  10. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    :) I am so sorry. HUGS.
  11. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    After doing some research I found that the county he's incarcerated in has a Connections/Pre-trial program. They provide services to all inmates and also offer special assistance to inmates who are mentally ill. The inmate has to have at least one Axis I diagnosis. difficult child has several. I'm going to contact them today and see if they can help. I'm definitely still sticking to my "tough love" approach. difficult child can NOT come home, we are not bailing him out, etc but if I can help advocate for him and try to get him some kind of help I think I will be able to cope with this whole situation a little better.
  12. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    I'm so glad to hear there's a program for him! Hopefully it'll translate into a formal mandate to continue after trial - something structured where there's lots of contact or supervision. I just wrote out a response and lost it, but was suggesting something to this effect. The other thing I wondered - are there online driver services in NJ where you could possibly report his ID lost and generate a new one, given that you have his basic documents? Just a thought. But I'm really glad to hear there's a program in place!
  13. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    That sounds good JKF, you have your boundaries in place and are doing what you feel is right............the program seems like a good plan too. I hope you are beginning to calm down and that your stomach issues have gone away. Take care of yourself, get a lot of support, I can't reiterate that enough, it's so important.............lots of hugs coming your way.........do some nice, nurturing things for yourself..........
  14. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Hopefully the program can even help with the whole ID dilemma...