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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 671770" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Oh Ca Mom,</p><p>I have been where you are. Reading your post brings a flood of memories back, the hope, the desperation, the misery. We tried over and over again to reach out, to help.</p><p></p><p>I remember when I was a teenager, I use to look at my parents as if they were some kind of alien. They tried to help me stick to the straight and narrow, I dabbled with drugs and partying, let my grades slip, skipped school, had a friend who was on the same path.</p><p>We were dependent, independent.Wanting to live our lives our own way, but still dependent on our parents for support.</p><p>I did not look at my parents as....human? They were the voice of authority, trying to rein me in, but I wanted to do what I wanted to do.</p><p>By the grace of God I came out of it.</p><p></p><p>Now, I think our d cs are stuck in that time. They are <em>not teenagers</em>, they are adults. Each time we took them in, it started out somewhat ok. Their desire to do what they wanted to do, overruled everything. While trying to help them, it became apparent that they did not look upon us as...humans. We were things. Things helping them, but at the same time...in their way.</p><p></p><p>When a relationship is like this, one or two people giving everything, the recipient of the help, our d cs, viewing us as sub human, <em>in the way </em>of them doing what they want, <em>we become targets</em>. They use us. They do not see us with eyes of love, as we see them. It is a by product of their using drugs. </p><p>Using drugs, using us.</p><p></p><p> There is much to be said here, what stands out, your d c son is <em>23, an adult.</em></p><p></p><p> You are livid and scared. I remember this feeling. It gets all tangled up with our desire to help, the loss of peace in our lives, in our homes.</p><p></p><p> This is you understanding that things are so much calmer when your 23 year old adult d c son is not at home.</p><p></p><p> This is you remembering all that has occurred in the past. It is so troubling, struggling with the desire to help and the understanding of how impossible that is.</p><p></p><p> It is so true Ca Mom, you can't trust him. How sad for all of us this is. And we struggle with the feeling of not knowing what will happen next, both when they are with us, and when they are not.</p><p>They are adults and have to learn from the consequences of their choices. When they are home with us, we suffer those consequences. This does not matter to them. They do not see us with the loving eyes, as we are seeing them. This is an unbalance. It causes disruption and turmoil within us, within our homes.</p><p></p><p> I was right where you are Ca MOm. My son was newborn and my oldest was home, in all of her stuck in that teenage "my parents are not human" mindset, she was 21. Stubborn, moody, ornery. It was hell. Here I had a newborn infant. I was dealing with the exhaustion of caring for my infant, and the ugly, horrible reality of an addicted 21 year old despising me. I can remember looking at that babe in my arms and thinking "All of this love, and work, and sleepless nights....." .....looking at my sneering 21 year old..."and this is the end result?"</p><p></p><p>I am glad that by God's grace, I came out of that quickly and realized that all of our children are different and walk different paths.</p><p></p><p>What happened was, my beautiful baby lived the better part of his life in the drama go round of two sister d cs coming and going, robbing the peace and serenity from our home. Stealing money, jewelry, sanity, time. And there was my son. My loving, kind sensitive son.</p><p></p><p>I think what kept me enabling my d cs was looking at them and seeing them as children. I would look at my son and remember raising them. Remember all of the good times we had with them before they became d cs. I was remembering my responsibility to them as a mother of young children. </p><p>And I was wrong. </p><p>They were not children anymore.They were adults. Adults in the throes of addiction making very bad choices, going down their paths, and taking <em><strong>all of us</strong></em> with them.</p><p></p><p>I would think, <em>I cannot give up on them. I will keep helping. </em></p><p>This is what kept me in the enabling mode, the thought that detaching was <em>giving up.</em></p><p></p><p>I posted a thread the other day- I won't give up.</p><p>Confusing?</p><p>It would seem at first impression, the meaning of that is "I am going to keep stepping in to rescue them."</p><p><em><strong>It is quite the opposite. </strong></em></p><p>I did not give up on them. <strong>I gave in to the realization that helping them is not helping them.</strong></p><p>I did not give up on them by detaching. I gave in.</p><p></p><p>There is still hope for them, but not<em> in my house</em>.</p><p></p><p>Yes, Ca Mom, I do remember this feeling. I did not want to go home. It wasn't home anymore.</p><p>I had troubled adult d cs there, looking at me as they do, manipulating, mood swinging, using drugs, using me.</p><p>It is a toxic relationship, and the poison of it, wreaked havoc on my household.</p><p></p><p>Why should <em><strong>I </strong></em>run? Why should I not feel peace in my own home, and why should I keep subjecting my now 14 year old son to this insidiousness?</p><p>The clear answer came. I should not.</p><p></p><p>And I did not give up.</p><p></p><p>My d.cs have been out for four months now. Their birthdays have come and gone. I have no contact. It is hard sometimes. But I do not let the hard take over me. I say a quick prayer, reminding myself, that I gave these two back to a higher power, and in that, is my faith that He is the one who can help them. Many years of the toxic by product of their addiction in my house proved that. I could not, did not, help them.</p><p></p><p>It is hard detaching, but the peace enfolding my house now is so worth it. The smiles on my sons face, as he is able to relax in his home, is worth it.</p><p></p><p>My d cs are out there, figuring out their own paths, their own lives.</p><p>Maybe, just maybe, they will be able to look at me as human one day.</p><p> Only time will tell.</p><p>For now, my focus is on my young son, as it should be. Also, I realize the need to figure myself out, to find me. We mothers can get lost in the act of mothering, can't we? We forget that we need to take time to refresh, to replenish.</p><p>We cannot give, if<em> our </em>cup is not full.This does not mean we become self absorbed and forget our duties, but we do need time to regroup.</p><p></p><p>I hope Ca Mom, you have time for you, to regroup. The exhaustion of all of this and caring for a baby can empty you. Making decisions and standing your ground is hard from empty.</p><p></p><p>You have value and worth. I hope you can find some time for yourself. To breathe.</p><p></p><p>Just remember, detaching is not giving up.</p><p></p><p>You are not alone dear, I am sure there are others on this site who are either right where you are now, approaching it, or have been there.</p><p></p><p>All of my best wishes and prayers to you. I see so much of what you are going through, as where I have been.</p><p>Hold on to your baby, focus on you and working towards a peaceful future.</p><p></p><p>You will get there, one day at a time.</p><p></p><p>((((HUGS))))</p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 671770, member: 19522"] Oh Ca Mom, I have been where you are. Reading your post brings a flood of memories back, the hope, the desperation, the misery. We tried over and over again to reach out, to help. I remember when I was a teenager, I use to look at my parents as if they were some kind of alien. They tried to help me stick to the straight and narrow, I dabbled with drugs and partying, let my grades slip, skipped school, had a friend who was on the same path. We were dependent, independent.Wanting to live our lives our own way, but still dependent on our parents for support. I did not look at my parents as....human? They were the voice of authority, trying to rein me in, but I wanted to do what I wanted to do. By the grace of God I came out of it. Now, I think our d cs are stuck in that time. They are [I]not teenagers[/I], they are adults. Each time we took them in, it started out somewhat ok. Their desire to do what they wanted to do, overruled everything. While trying to help them, it became apparent that they did not look upon us as...humans. We were things. Things helping them, but at the same time...in their way. When a relationship is like this, one or two people giving everything, the recipient of the help, our d cs, viewing us as sub human, [I]in the way [/I]of them doing what they want, [I]we become targets[/I]. They use us. They do not see us with eyes of love, as we see them. It is a by product of their using drugs. Using drugs, using us. There is much to be said here, what stands out, your d c son is [I]23, an adult.[/I] You are livid and scared. I remember this feeling. It gets all tangled up with our desire to help, the loss of peace in our lives, in our homes. This is you understanding that things are so much calmer when your 23 year old adult d c son is not at home. This is you remembering all that has occurred in the past. It is so troubling, struggling with the desire to help and the understanding of how impossible that is. It is so true Ca Mom, you can't trust him. How sad for all of us this is. And we struggle with the feeling of not knowing what will happen next, both when they are with us, and when they are not. They are adults and have to learn from the consequences of their choices. When they are home with us, we suffer those consequences. This does not matter to them. They do not see us with the loving eyes, as we are seeing them. This is an unbalance. It causes disruption and turmoil within us, within our homes. I was right where you are Ca MOm. My son was newborn and my oldest was home, in all of her stuck in that teenage "my parents are not human" mindset, she was 21. Stubborn, moody, ornery. It was hell. Here I had a newborn infant. I was dealing with the exhaustion of caring for my infant, and the ugly, horrible reality of an addicted 21 year old despising me. I can remember looking at that babe in my arms and thinking "All of this love, and work, and sleepless nights....." .....looking at my sneering 21 year old..."and this is the end result?" I am glad that by God's grace, I came out of that quickly and realized that all of our children are different and walk different paths. What happened was, my beautiful baby lived the better part of his life in the drama go round of two sister d cs coming and going, robbing the peace and serenity from our home. Stealing money, jewelry, sanity, time. And there was my son. My loving, kind sensitive son. I think what kept me enabling my d cs was looking at them and seeing them as children. I would look at my son and remember raising them. Remember all of the good times we had with them before they became d cs. I was remembering my responsibility to them as a mother of young children. And I was wrong. They were not children anymore.They were adults. Adults in the throes of addiction making very bad choices, going down their paths, and taking [I][B]all of us[/B][/I] with them. I would think, [I]I cannot give up on them. I will keep helping. [/I] This is what kept me in the enabling mode, the thought that detaching was [I]giving up.[/I] I posted a thread the other day- I won't give up. Confusing? It would seem at first impression, the meaning of that is "I am going to keep stepping in to rescue them." [I][B]It is quite the opposite. [/B][/I] I did not give up on them. [B]I gave in to the realization that helping them is not helping them.[/B] I did not give up on them by detaching. I gave in. There is still hope for them, but not[I] in my house[/I]. Yes, Ca Mom, I do remember this feeling. I did not want to go home. It wasn't home anymore. I had troubled adult d cs there, looking at me as they do, manipulating, mood swinging, using drugs, using me. It is a toxic relationship, and the poison of it, wreaked havoc on my household. Why should [I][B]I [/B][/I]run? Why should I not feel peace in my own home, and why should I keep subjecting my now 14 year old son to this insidiousness? The clear answer came. I should not. And I did not give up. My d.cs have been out for four months now. Their birthdays have come and gone. I have no contact. It is hard sometimes. But I do not let the hard take over me. I say a quick prayer, reminding myself, that I gave these two back to a higher power, and in that, is my faith that He is the one who can help them. Many years of the toxic by product of their addiction in my house proved that. I could not, did not, help them. It is hard detaching, but the peace enfolding my house now is so worth it. The smiles on my sons face, as he is able to relax in his home, is worth it. My d cs are out there, figuring out their own paths, their own lives. Maybe, just maybe, they will be able to look at me as human one day. Only time will tell. For now, my focus is on my young son, as it should be. Also, I realize the need to figure myself out, to find me. We mothers can get lost in the act of mothering, can't we? We forget that we need to take time to refresh, to replenish. We cannot give, if[I] our [/I]cup is not full.This does not mean we become self absorbed and forget our duties, but we do need time to regroup. I hope Ca Mom, you have time for you, to regroup. The exhaustion of all of this and caring for a baby can empty you. Making decisions and standing your ground is hard from empty. You have value and worth. I hope you can find some time for yourself. To breathe. Just remember, detaching is not giving up. You are not alone dear, I am sure there are others on this site who are either right where you are now, approaching it, or have been there. All of my best wishes and prayers to you. I see so much of what you are going through, as where I have been. Hold on to your baby, focus on you and working towards a peaceful future. You will get there, one day at a time. ((((HUGS)))) leafy [/QUOTE]
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