difficult child is in a halfway house/IOP combination program

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Kathy813, Mar 30, 2014.

  1. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi all. I thought it might be time for an update. It has been a very tumultuous month and I am not sure whether we did the right thing.

    As you all may recall, difficult child relapsed big time and ended up getting fired from two jobs in a month. She also broke her ankle (stumbling over a table because she was drunk?) and was living in an apartment with two other women. We don't know what happened but it got to the point where the electricity was turned off and they were being evicted. difficult child called and said she had no money for food or gas, couldn't charge her phone because she had no electricty and the phone was about dead, and didn't know what to do.

    I was ready to let her fall and fend for herself as recommended by my therapist and my Families Anonymous group. husband became very concerned when he didn't hear from her and even had the police do a welfare check and they found the apartment door unlocked and her car was there but no difficult child.

    We found out why the next day. She had swallowed a bottle of pills and got scared and called for help. She was in the adult psychiatric unit. They kept her for a week and wouldn't release her with the usual bus pass because of her broken ankle.

    At that point, husband became frantic and started researching rehabs. It turned out that her insurance did not cover freestanding subacute rehab treatment programs. He talked to someone at the recommendation of the hospital social worker who was knowledgeable about the rehabs and IOPs in the area and he suggested a combination halfway house/IOP program that he though highly of. The insurance does cover the IOP 100% since she is over her $1450 out of pocket max. husband called difficult child and asked is she was interested in that and she jumped at the chance. Maybe the last month scared her. I hope so.

    difficult child has actually been talking about going to an IOP and starting therapy since she relapsed. I was against it because she wanted to do it while living on her own. I feel much better with it being in conjunction with a halfway house.

    Of course, for now, we are going to have to cover the rent so once again we are paying for her mistakes. I am very conflicted about this but I really saw that husband was not ready for tough love. I have never seen him in such a bad state. The broken ankle was a complicating factor. I spoke with the interventionist we had used and she was all for helping difficult child as long as it was while she was in treatment and in sober living. I find myself really resenting having to pay for this again, though.

    Did we do the right thing?

  2. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    This has been such a difficult time for you and husband...I know difficult child has been putting you through the ringer, and has been talking "smack" about you to whoever would listen. She has landed in this position not from your lack of support, but from her abundance of issues which she hasn't been working on lately. Despite all that, I think your husband made a good call for the following reasons: 1) difficult child jumped at the chance; 2) The place was recommended by a knowledgeable source; 3) It's covered under her insurance; 4) She swallowed a bottle of pills - she is in a bad way. The interventionist thought it was a reasonable choice, too.

    It stinks that you have to cover the rent in the meantime, and I get why you're conflicted. It may not even work - she may blow it this time, too. It is a beneficial choice that settled husband's mind, and may work wonders, who knows? It doesn't mitigate the fact that difficult child has been a horse's arse of late, and difficult child may even believe that your future ultimatums, if there are any, would hold no weight because husband caved this time. Who cares? It remains that you and husband will always have a choice about what you will or will not do. Hugs to you and your husband for all your aggravation, worry and financial hardship. I know this is no day at the beach.
  3. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I think that it sounds like she scared herself silly. GOOD. Are you doing the right thing? It does not really matter if the outcome is a clean, sober, living daughter. Money comes and goes. If there is a next time, your answer may be different. There are no concrete answers.
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    How we all knew the answer to that question, Kathy. What is the "right thing" is open for discussion and mostly it depends on what the outcome of the plan turns out to be. My heart breaks for you and husband. on the other hand, if you know that she is safe and has another chance to get well...I think the answer is "Yes, you did the right thing." I will continue to sent prayers and support your way, my friend. Hugs DDD
  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Oh Kathy I am thinking about you. Our difficult children seem so similar and you know I have been through much of the same thing and same choices.

    I have been thinking about the whole concept of tough love lately. To me it is really about supporting your child in doing the next right thing and not supporting them to do the next wrong thing... whatever that means to them. For some rock bottom is death and I think we want to help them avoid that if possible (and sometimes that is not possible).

    So I think you did absolutely the right thing. I think it is good that although she took pills she got scared and called for help. That means that at least a part of her wants to live! I think it is good that she jumped at the chance. She sounds ready to do the next right thing at least for the moment.... and it will give you a chance to sleep better at night for awhile which is good too.

    I think for our difficult children, with their major emotional issues, it makes a difference for them to know we love them. Sometimes I think the only thing between my difficult child and becoming a hardened criminal is the love of his parents! So paying the rent for a sober house is surely showing your love.... as is not paying for stuff while she is using....

    And I think each time at rehab or sober living teaches them something and hopefully gets them a step closer to recovery for the long term.



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  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My feeling is that the right thing is what you can live with. Your husband was not ready to live with what could happen if you didn't provide support. That is not right or wrong, it just is what he can sleep with at night and that's big. When you described what has been going on I thought about TL immediately. When her difficult child was ready for help she helped, and that is what you are doing. The only difference is in sober house instead of residential, but it is help. I know the financial part stinks and there may come a time when you just can't do that anymore.

    Kathy I'm so sorry that the merry-go-round continues for you, but look at TL's son, he seems to be doing well, better than he has ever done before. None of us knows at what point our difficult child will decide to change. And it is possible that this time may really have scared her. She can't possibly like living this way can she?

    I don't know when or if you will get to the point where you can talk to her rationally or even want to, but when she is sober it would be interesting to hear what she thinks you should do the next time this happens given the fact that your money is limited and there just may be none left by then.
  7. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Yes, Kathy - you did the right thing. No doubt about it. Do not second guess yourself.

    She is safe, there is hope and she is not alone. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE take this respite and rest your mind and body.

    1 million {{{{{{hugs}}}}}
  8. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    I think, too, that you can only do what you can live with. In this case, what the both of you can live with.

    Then, once you do it, try to quit looking backward. Look forward.

    You might write down your thoughts about right now, and what you hope to do in the future. You can always change your mind at any time.

    There are no absolutes on this journey, no black and white, only the grays.

    I hope this is her turning point and she goes in a new, good direction.

    Hugs and blessings to you and husband tonight.
  9. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Kathy (((hugs)))

    I am so sorry to read of difficult child taking pills...of course that scared you all! But I am glad to read that she is willing to go with the offer of IOP and halfway house.

    I so hope difficult child will get the help she needs and start moving in the right direction again.

    Be good to yourself,
    with love,
  10. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    I am happy that she is willingly taking the help, Kathy. You and your husband have certainly been through the ringer! I don't think there is any doubt that you have both gone above and beyond to help her. I agree that you need to do what you can both live with.

    They say replapses are part of recovery. Maybe that is because they "forget" the bad times on drugs - they think they can have just one drink, just one hit. Then maybe they have to relapse to remember how bad those bad times were. At least, we hope it makes them remember how bad it is.

    I hope that this relapse made her realize she does not really want to live that way...