difficult child is not speaking to me

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by flutterbee, May 18, 2008.

  1. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I was making dinner and thought I had run the dishwasher. I hadn't. So, I asked difficult child to wash the small pan and a spatula for me. She yelled at me that she's not my servant and stormed away.

    I was so angry. I washed the pan and easy child is telling me to stop and he'll do it, but I was just so mad. I had asked easy child to help me with some things around the house today, but he had to go to his girlfriend's. He mowed their lawn, but he can't help me around the house. So, this thing with difficult child just really set me off and her attitude just threw me over the edge. (easy child got an earful, too.)

    After I washed the pan and the spatula, I went in her room and told her that the next time she asks me for helping cleaning her room, or wants me to do her laundry, or wants me to buy her something else that she doesn't need, or figure out each month how to come up with the money for her guitar lessons that I was going to remember her words today. And I walked away. She followed me yelling again that she is not my servant. She has it backwards. easy child and I are always picking up after HER. Sometimes if she's making herself some eggs I'll ask her to make me some, too. Or if she's going into the kitchen I'll ask her to grab something for me. She is NOT EVER treated like a servant. Are you kidding me? She's the freakin' little princess.


    I told her to go back to her room; that I wasn't talking to her right now.

    So, a little later I sent easy child to the store to pick up a few things. I was writing the list and asked him to get difficult child so I could see if she wanted anything. Afterall, she had been complaining earlier that we needed to go to the store. So, easy child tells her that, "Mom wants you". difficult child said, "I don't care." And that was that.

    She didn't get anything from the store and I'm done bending over backwards for her. And I'm not speaking to her unless necessary until I get an apology. Childish? Maybe. But, I'm really done with being treated like dirt by her.
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Similar scenes to that happened at my house all weekend but it was easy child not difficult child having the issues. Just know I feel your pain. Right now easy child is barely speaking to me and I too have had it! The nerve that we actually expect help around the house!
  3. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I know it may sound kind of elementary, but do you have house rules or a chore chart? Both my children have specific responsibilities around the house. The deal is that they are members of this household and should rightly contribute (or at least not make me pick up their junk).

    If they do not complete their tasks, they pay. The form of payment depends on the kid. difficult child, my lover of all things gaming, looses that the next day. easy child, my social butterfly, looses her next social outing.

    It was tough at first. But eventually it becomes their life. I have seen too many kids in the upper high school years that never made their beds, never did a load of laundry, never emptied a dishwasher, never had a job, etc. I believe kids need to have some responsibility.

    Perhaps you need to think about starting a small chore program. Slowly with just a few things on it first. Find a motiviation to get her to contribute (in other words, find something she says she'll die if she can't have and make that the incentive).

    Teens will be teens, whether difficult child or easy child. They are going to be hormonal, grumpy, and lazy. That's just life. But I think it's important that they are respectful and have a little responsibility.

    Hope you guys manage to face each other a little easier as time goes by.

  4. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    Go with what Sharon (Idm) said - the chore chart helps here.

    by the way, go with the silence; there are days I love it when kt isn't speaking to me. :capitulate::woohoo::rofl:
  5. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Not your SERVANT? The nerve!

    This was not a chore that you would have had on a chore chart. This was a favor. Right? It's times like this where I say look, we are a family and we help eachother out. That works about 50% of the time. I'm angry for you at how she responded (of course I can totally see Tink doing the same in not too many years).
  6. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    I have a chore chart for my easy child as well as for my difficult children. They have consequences if they don't do them - Some of the consequences are natural ones and others are ones I've made.

    However, even with the chore chart, all of my kids truly believe that I am their cleaning person, taxi driver, cash machine, etc.,etc., etc.,... It makes me FURIOUS:grrr:

    I basically treat my kids the same way they treat me. If they refuse or are nasty when doing a favor for me, I always remember this the next time they want something from me. I don't know if this is a good thing to do, but, hopefully, some day it will sink in that "you have to do to get", a phrase I've adopted from Fran.

    easy child is worse than my difficult children at the moment. She'll be fourteen soon. I can't imagine her attitude getting any worse, but, I know I have to prepare myself for this. This is very difficult for me as easy child and I were always very close. Now, I'm basically only useful for the services I provide for her. :grrr::sad:

    Sorry your difficult child is being such a PITA!!! I wish I had some great advice but I'm going through similar circumstances in my house.

    I hope today is a better day!!! WFEN
  7. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    been there done that too many times to count. The only difference is I got "not your servant" comment one time. She lived to regret it. She wanted to go somewhere that wasn't on my way, "Sorry, I'm not your chauffeur." She wanted something from the garage, "Sorry, I'm not your servant." She left something in the living room, I just threw it away, "Sorry, I'm not your maid." She wanted some clothes washed, "Sorry, I'm not your laundress." After a month of sorries, I asked her how she liked being treated like that. She didn't (I wonder why?). She may not have done things simply because I asked but she never again yelled at me or told me she wasn't my servant. (This happened when she was about 9 or 10.)

    Now, explain to me please why you would care what she wanted from the store after that little scene? Whatever it was could surely have waited until the next YOU needed to go to the store. I mean, you're not her concierge, are you?

    Without trying to sound mean, she walks all over you because you let her. As hard as it is, maybe it is time to quit doing so much for her. Yes, she's going to have bad days where nothing can stop her from saying what she thinks but that doesn't mean you have to tolerate it.

    And the chore list is a great idea. Remind the kids that they live there, they are part of the household and to get the privileges like using the car to see girlfriend or getting to guitar lessons means doing things at home first. (by the way, it really is pretty common for guys to help out like mowing lawn at someone else's house rather than doing it at home. Ditto girls with dishes, cleaning friends' room, etc. Just the nature of the human.)
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Yup. Chore chart.

    And, repeat this, calmly, to yourself, as many times as necessary: "She's the freakin' little princess."
    Methinks you have forgotten it a few times ...
  9. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    Oh man, does your difficult child ever sound like my Son. However, he prefers "slave" to "servant". Of course, the smart alec that I am, I can't resist answering with, "What's the point of having children if I can't treat them like my slaves"??? (Yeah, right. It's so much the other way around)

    I'm thinking about doing a chore chart. My house is alway a disaster because of my little darlings. However, Daughter does her own laundry after I got fed up with her about three years ago.

    Frankly, I'm with the others that said to enjoy this time she is not speaking to you. I wish my difficult children would stop speaking to me on occasion. It's the opposite with them. They talk, nag, talk, nag..blah, blah, blah until I have to go into my bedroom and lock the door. :talkhand:

    Son's favorite saying right now is: "I don't care".

    So, I decide to mimic him to his chagrin.

    "Mom, I'm hungry"

    "I don't care"

    "Mom, if you don't feed me it's child abuse"!

    "I don't care"

    You get the picture.
  10. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Sounds like the chore chart is the overwhelming winner! LOL ;)

    It might be easier to get them to start with their own things, like difficult child doing her own laundry and putting it away. Then you could add things like clear the dinner table and wipe the kitchen surfaces bit by bit. Sad to say, she'll make you miserable at first. You'll have to stand your ground to get it to work.

    L is still a total slob. Clothes are everywhere in her house. Clean or dirty it doesn't matter. And when she runs out of panties, she just buys more. UCK!
  11. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    We did have a chore chart once and it was a monumental disaster. Of course, it was several years ago when difficult child's other issues were just huge and it just created more battles. It is definitely time to revisit it again. At least with difficult child. easy child does so much around the house as it is. He just hasn't been home much the last couple of weeks. I was feeling half way decent yesterday and wanted help with the house. I have to take those days when I can get them. I wasn't even asking him not to see his girlfriend. I just asked that she come over here instead of him going there so when I needed help he'd be here. His response is he'll just do it all by himself later. That my sound noble, but when I'm feeling half way decent I want to be productive instead of feeling like a sack of potatoes. Plus, that 'later' can be a ways away.

    But, BBK is right. The chore chart wouldn't have mattered in this case. I was asking for a favor.

    As far as difficult child walking all over me. That's stopping right here, right now. I've had it up to my eyeballs with her demands and ridiculous expectations. It's time she started taking some responsibility for herself. And I have a strong feeling that's going to include repeating the 7th grade. She makes a half-hearted (if that much) attempt at her schoolwork. The teachers cut her a break because of her issues and because of my health. And, frankly, it's time people stop bailing her out and let her deal with the consequences. I know my daughter and I know that is the only way she will learn. As long as people keep bailing her out, she's going to go through life expecting it. Then difficult child gets mad at me and yells that she's going to fail the 7th grade. I've told her that's what happens when you don't do the work. But, that is my fault, too. Because taking away privileges, sitting on her (ok, sitting next to her the entire time) to do her work, having conferences with the teachers, bringing in a tutor, etc wasn't enough to get her to do it then I didn't try hard enough to make her do it. (Yes, her words.)

    I'm not rescuing her from herself anymore. I will support her, I will guide her, I will hold her hand. But, I'm not bailing her out of her choices anymore.
  12. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    According to my difficult child, she does EVERYTHING around here. LOL! That is right. I sit around eating bon bons all day long!

    Be prepared for the 'you don't love mes' that will surely come as you put your foot down. That is where my difficult child goes.
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Heather...please join me in my battle to find a backbone and learn to say No when needed! I truly wont kill anyone to learn to help out around the house. The earlier the better I say!
  14. ML

    ML Guest

    You can do it Heather! I'm totally behind you. It's time for a chore chart around here too! The commodities are electronics and food priveleges.
  15. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    It's going to have to be reward based, I think. difficult child is more stubborn than an ox and she won't care about losing things when she's in that frame of mind. been there done that. I remember when she was little - 4 maybe - and I told her if she didn't pick up her mess in the living room I was going to bag it up. She went and got a garbage bag, put everything in it and threw it in the trash. :faint: She hasn't changed much in that perspective.

    There has been little conversation between us today - just being civil. But, she cleaned her room all by herself without any prompting (and it was pretty bad). I think she's used to me 'walking on eggshells' and I'm not doing it today. When she made appearances last night I didn't say a word to her. I didn't do the over-chipper thing in the morning to try to make her feel better because she usually wakes up in such a foul mood.

    She's not 7 anymore. She's old enough to take responsibility for her treatment of others.