difficult child left the sober house

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Nancy, Aug 15, 2011.

  1. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    When she came home for her visit we knew something was up, then when we saw all her belongings packed in her car we knew. She said she left the sober hosue because she was sick of the people there. There were only two girls left from the ones she was originally there with and she claimed she was sick of the others. I figured she got kicked out and after questioning her for a bit she finally told us that the director took her car away from her except for work because she went to an AA meeting that some guy was going to be at and they aren't allowed to have male relationships while in the house. So she stayed for that day and was getting madder and madder and just packed up and left Friday. She said she slept in a cheap hotel Saturday night and made an appointment for an interview at a three quarter sober house today.

    I tried to stay calm and not let her know how paicked I was that she was back in our house and had no place to live. She told us she was staying with a woman who got kicked out of the sober house last month for having a boyfriend and she was going to go to the new sober house today. So she did her work laundry and left again. I am not sure if she went to this woman's apartment or slept in her car.

    This morning she called to tell me that she had the interview and will be moving into the three quarter house tomorrow. It's $280 a month, and she will be rooming with a friend who got kicked out of the other house too for having a boyfriend. Her curfew is 11 pm and she has to attend four meetings a week and they have group on Tuesdays in the house. Everyone has chores and she has to provide her own food. Her weekends are free and she must stay sober to continue living there.

    She still loves her job and seems to be doing well there. Although I told her that she is one step away from being destitute, homeless with no job. I never thought my daughter would be living out of her car. But she is still sober and she made a good plan for her living arrangements so for that I am grateful.

    Funny thing is both easy child and me had a premonition something was up.

    Last edited: Aug 15, 2011
  2. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    I get those same weird feelings and 99% of the time they are right. I hate it, it's so stressful. Sorry she left. I hope this new place is good for her. It's hard to watch them make stupid decision after stupid decision. Hang in there!
  3. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Still praying for your family, Nancy. This is scary.
  4. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Praying... I hope this helps... But one of the things our difficult children don't seem to get is that society has rules and there will always be people you don't get along with...
  5. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    Although your daughter acted on impulse and left, I give her credit for being responsible and finding a place so fast. It sounds like the new place will suit her better. I don't know much about sober housing. I can't understand why going to an AA meeting that a specific male was attending was such a problem. It certainly wasn't going to a movie together. I see it as 2 people going to work on their problem together.

    I hope living in the new home turns out to be perfect for her.
  6. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with Flower. While this is disappointing on one hand, the good news is she didn't come running home to you asking you to fix things. She didn't relapse or fall into a pit of despair. She rolled with it, found an alternative solution, and moved forward with it. She's still working, and it sounds like she's still sober. That's all VERY positive. Things may not be perfect, and these decisions may not be ones that you'd make (or the way you'd like her to make them), but, she's making progress, in her own way. Like the AA slogan says, "Progress, not Perfection."

    Hugs. Hang in there.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Although maybe not ideal, it does sound like she made some good decisions here. She didnt get mad and throw in the towel. She didnt decide to go get a room in a party house. She found a place that might move her forward into a more natural lifestyle in the future. Baby steps. She wont always have tight supervision so maybe this was a good push forward in the end. Who knows.

    I will pray that it turns out positive as always. Gotta have my girls back...lol.
  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I do think this may be a good test for her. In some ways I felt the previous house was too restrictive and didn't give the girls enough room to acclimate back into society. I am very grateful for what they did for her so far but she needs to spread her wings and either sink or swim. I think it's unrealistic to expect these girls to not make any male friendships for up to a year. Once you get to three quarters you are suppose to have more freedom while still living sober. At least five other girls have been kicked out in the past month and they all went on to other sober houses and are all still sober, so while the previous may have layed a good foundation I think they tried to control the girls too much once they graduated from halfway to three quarters.

    Of course difficult child could be completely lying and have broken many rules that we don't know about, but at least she seems to understand she can't come back home and she needs a structured environment.

    Last edited: Aug 15, 2011
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I just read this and coincidentally easy child/difficult child was in the computer room with me. I shared the story. I told him that you and your family loved your addict daughter as much as we love him. He said "that's really sad for them". I responded "are you ready yet to face your addictions and get a life?" The answer, as I expected, was "I'm not doing rehab again."
    We can't let him free fall because of the issues but it is sad. Hope it turns out well for your family. Hugs. DDD
  10. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, Nancy. What a disappointing and stressful development!
  11. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    My heart really sank when I saw your post title ("Aww, s--t" was my exact thought). After reading the thread I'd agree with the general consensus - not good, but could've been much worse. I do understand the reasoning behind the sober house's restriction on relationships - most of difficult child's bad decisions/relapses have been precipitated by relationship issues, either a new love, a breakup, or a reunion or attempted reunion. I really, really hope she makes a go of the new 3/4 house. Prayers and thoughts are with you...
  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'm sorry Nancy. I know this has got to have you back on pins and needles.

    But actually, although probably not the greatest development, she handled it pretty well. She didn't come home expecting you to have answers or to solve her issues, nor did she make excuses or come up with cover lies. She was honest. She made plans to continue her recovery.

    While I think the program she was in is exceptional in their philosophy.....I was wondering how her transition back into real life was going to work as that part they seem a tad over protective about. (probably with good reason, but still it had me wondering) I understood the strictness at the beginning of the program.......but once people reach the stage where she is at I can see where such strict rules over daily life would begin to chafe after a while.

    Honestly, she did very well in the program. Her attitude remains strong for sobriety. She's still working the program, but now in her own way. Bottom line to any program is there is going to be that moment when they have to step back into reality and work what they've learned in the real world.

    Fingers crossed and praying hard that her recovery continues.

  13. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, Nancy. Hope she follows through with her plan. Many hugs.
  14. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I agree that it is fabulous that she had a plan. It shows tremendous growth!!
  15. Bean

    Bean Member

    Ditto on the fact that she had a plan, and isn't making her problems/consequences of her decisions your problem. That's fantastic.
  16. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It does sound like they were a bit too restrictive. No boys for a year? That is a lifetime at that age!

    I agree she made some good decisions - heck any decision to stay off the alcohol is good - right??!!
  17. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks everyone. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Although guys have always been her downfall and given an inch she has always taken a mile so this will be a true test to her sobriety.

  18. bby31288

    bby31288 Active Member

    Nancy, I am praying for your difficult child!! I too believe she did a fabulous job having her ducks in a row. She is showing strong promise to continue her path of recovery! Hugs to you. You have done a tremendous job with your daughter. You love her and it shows.
  19. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Praying she continues down the right path.
  20. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Nancy, is she keeping in touch now she's relocated? My fingers are still crossed. DDD