difficult child lying, sort of....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Mikey, Apr 16, 2007.

  1. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    Okay, this is weird - maybe someone else here has gone through this and can give me some perspective?

    difficult child lies - duh! But it's not the lying, but the type of lies he's telling. Primarily, he does everything he can to make us think he has a miserable life at school, hates his therapist, and is generally unhappy. But, when I follow up with the schools and the therapist, they're completely stunned by difficult child's comments.

    Example: difficult child has informed me several times that he wants to quit his "shrink sessions" - that he hates them, he gets nothing out of them, and they're a waste of his time. I tell him "okay, go to the one you've already scheduled, but don't schedule any more". As he's coming out of his latest session, he's in a great mood, and immediately schedules his next session. Hunh? Therapist says that sessions are going well, progress is being made, and he's always in a great mood afterwards.

    Example 2: difficult child informs us that his Graphics class is a waste of time - that he spends the whole time surfing the web, goofing off, and generally just playing around on computers. Talked to the teacher today, who said that he's not only NOT goofing off, but he's up on all of his assignments, is engaged in every activity, pays attention when instruction is offered, and actually seems excited about several of the projects he's been assigned and completed.

    This also goes along with his boasts of being a "king stoner", but his random UA's don't bear that out (he had two consecutive negatives late last year, when he was REALLY acting out).


    There are other examples, but you get the gist. I understand lying to hide something, lying to get something, lying to make something appear better than it is. But why would he lie and make his apparently improving (and somewhat happy) life seem worse than it is to us?

    Dazed and confused.....

  2. owutaqt

    owutaqt New Member

    Are things going well otherwise? My difficult child does this when she is happy as well, it always appeared to me that she did this to make chaos, almost like an addiction, she needs it to function. Is this possible in your case??

  3. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    Things are going, uh, "better". Better than in quite a while. But it does seem like he's intentionally planting seeds of chaos. I'm just trying to figure out "why".

    So far, the only thing I can come up with (on my own) is that if he actually admits that things are getting better, admits that he personally is doing better, then it might mean he has to change. Right now, since things are on the upswing we don't push him too hard (trying not to disrupt any positive changes).

    Maybe, if he acknowledges positive changes, he feels that we'll start to expect him to continue? Might be his way of preserving his autonomy?

    I dunno. Just babbling out loud.

  4. owutaqt

    owutaqt New Member

    This might be his way of showing you he is afraid of failure, it is so very hard for them every single day and when things go good, I think it scares them. They feel out of sync, because it is not chaotic.........I don't know this is just my experience with mine.

  5. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    This would be my guess....not to preserve his autonomy but to leave a door open in case the pressure is too much.

    We learned early on NOT to make a big deal about anything positive or Rob would do his utmost to prove us wrong.

  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Could he be "saving face" or acting a part?

    For example...back in high school (in the dark ages) I hung out with the stoner crowd. In order to be a part of that crowd you had to be basically getting bad grades, a partier, etc. Ok...I could hang with doing the drugs...but I had a problem with the grades deal because I was smart! So I would "fake" failing. At least I did for awhile. I would change my grades on papers that my friends would see or tell them how bad I did, and complain about stuff.

    Maybe he wants you to think he is doing poorly so you think he is part of this crowd...or he wants the crowd to think he is just like them? Who knows...teens arent the smartest bulbs in the pack!
  7. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Janet could have it, or it could be typical teen feeling the whole world is agin him. I remember easy child insisting that her life was a mess, she had no friends, she was doing badly at school - everything was bad. But the reality was far different. OK, she wasn't the most popular girl at school, only the second most. And the friends she had were the true friends, the loyal ones who are still in touch, years later.

    We had something like this last night - mother in law has been planning a plane trip for two months now. Then she got sick with serious heart problems. The heart problem almost magically fixed itself and the specialist said she was OK to fly. Her GP said she was OK to fly. She's taking blood thinners and MY GP made a remark about "Well, at least you won't get a DVT."
    She's been apprehensive about it. She really wants to go and has been looking forward to this trip, but keeps telling me that this person or that person isn't happy about her going, despite what the doctors have said. various family members putting in their oar, I thought, and confusing the issue, making her all uncertain.

    So last night we rang the other family members who mother in law had said were dead set against her trip. Turns out, they're pushing for her to take the trip. Everyone wants her to go and enjoy herself. What she's doing - projecting onto other people, her own fears and concerns. Her fear is understandable - she was afraid for her life - but now she's OK. It's just hard for her to accept that she's OK.

    I wouldn't necessarily call this lying. It's embellishing maybe, but it could be what he believes.

    difficult child 1's girlfriend is here today - she is a beautiful girl, a real knockout. And she keeps insisting she has a weight problem. The scales may say she's overweight, but she's solidly built. She has wide hips, a well-built bust and a tiny waist. She'll never be a waif, but if she loses weight she will look ill.
    She's not lying when she says she's fat, even though it's not true. She is saying what she believes is true.
    We saw her once in a dress and wearing make-up - she was a danger to traffic. Mostly she wears working clothes (shorts, t-shirt, loos baggy stuff) and no make-up. Hair either loose or pulled back roughly into a pony tail. What a waste. I wish I looked half that good, but not even at my best, could I hope for that...
    She's not fishing for compliments, either - this is genuine self-image issues.


    PS by Marg's Man
    Marg DID look that good when she was difficult child 1's girlfriend's age. But, like girlfriend, would not believe just HOW good she looked. She ALWAYS had some bloke hanging about when I was not on the scene. Even after we became an item I was beating them off with a stick, figuratively.
  8. kris

    kris New Member

    <span style='font-size: 14pt'> <span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style="color: #990000"> two thoughts.

    ~~~ he's trying to keep your expectations low. when jarrod was in his major depressive state if i praised for anything all h*ll would break loose.

    ~~~ complaining becomes a habit. i hate to reference oprah, but here i go. a couple of weeks ago she had on a minister who has started a movement to help people become more positive. he designed purple wrist bans. people take a pledge to not complain for 30 days. every time they slip up & complain they switch the purple band to the other wrist & the 30 days start over. i looked on her site & can't find any archives on this show. i'll keep looking.

    for your son it's probably a combination of both things.

    </span> </span> </span>