difficult child moving - UPDATE!

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Merris, Sep 25, 2007.

  1. Merris

    Merris New Member

    difficult child called me from psychiatric hospital yesterday and told me they are transitioning him to the new sub-acute program today. I was shocked. I knew they were planning on this, but I didn't know there would be no notice!

    I'm trying hard not to be a control freak. He's 18, he's an adult - he can handle this on his own. I'm just freaking out because I know nothing about the program and I'm scared. A sub-actue unit is like hospitalization at night but more freedom. They will help him get a job, make sure he has his medications, etc., but other than that, I don't know what it's all about.

    I believe he can make it. I know he can make it – I know he can have a good life, he just has to choose to. He’s smart, he’s witty, he’s an excellent person but he has such a low self esteem that I hope he doesn’t fall into the hole again. I have to keep reminding myself that I have no control. I have done all I can do and the only thing I can do now is be supportive.
    It’s going to be hard because he still counts on me, but somehow, I’m going to have to be strong and make him do it on his own. He’ll have a lot more supports than I ever did, and he’s stable on his medications so he should be okay. Repeat, I have no control.

    He called last night at 9:30 but I was asleep. I have to listen to the voicemail but I'm nervous because I don't want to get caught up in everything again. I have to MAKE him handle this on his own. I have to MAKE him stand on his own 2 feet. Anything else would be a disservice to him.

    He's been through so much, but he's got a ways to go. The world will be a different place for him now, he has to get a job and be a grown up. It's going to be a struggle for him, but he will adjust.

    Strong words for a woman who is sitting on the floor in her apartment and quivering in fear. Sigh. He HAS to make it and I HAVE to stop obsessing.

  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    Immediate prayers for your peace being sent.

    I saw one thing in your post that I thought I would point out.

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Merris</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I have to MAKE him handle this on his own. I have to MAKE him stand on his own 2 feet. Anything else would be a disservice to him.[</div></div>

    Change your thoughts on that. Even saying that is controlling. What you have to do, is LET him. Not make him. Subtle difference, but see the impact? One is an action, one is letting go, and letting God take over.

    Your son is in my prayers as well!
  3. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    For somebody quivering in her apartment, Merris......you have come so far. :bravo: You are no longer that quiet, sad, victim....you are a warrior mom :warrior:.

    LET vs MAKE

    easy to say "make" all the time as us mommies trying to shake up baby bird's world.

    Let can be the new word in your vocabulary. It is positive, it is strong, it is opportunity, it is choices, it is Merris's.

  4. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I think it's a good thing that you were sleeping when he called. Now you can listen to his message and decide how to react to it with time to think about it.

    I've been doing that when my h calls lately. I'll let him leave me a message, then I can decide if I want to call him back and what I want to say. I was finding his phone calls to really be throwing me for a loop because I never knew what he was going to say and then it would control my entire day if I didn't respond the way I wanted to.

    Stay strong. You are doing great!!!
  5. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    merris, isnt it hard being a mom? We naturally want to nurture and help them, they have scared us with their actions and we feel we must protect and guide.

    this is a good step for him. growing up is scarey but will teach him also to be proud of his independence.
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I think there is a similarity between your post and LMS's post.
    I think both your sons are fearful....with reason. Even though
    the locations and "programs" are different, they both are giant
    steps into manhood for the boys.

    You are doing fine. I am really thrilled that there is a program
    for your son. Programs with support are like hens teeth in Fla.
    I always remember the two of you in my prayers. DDD
  7. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Hi Merris,
    I see the similarity too in your post and mine.
    I sure understand wanting to say the RIGHT supportive words and struggling to let them grow up, trusting them to do the right thing, knowing how to do the right thing on their own. It is hard to let go of the control we still want to have but don't really have a right to anymore...that's the struggle I have.

    I would just try and believe in your son as much as possible through your words to him...let him know all that you said in your post that you believe he CAN make it and that you trust he will.

    Hang in there, you're doing fine and so is your son.
  8. Merris

    Merris New Member

    The facts:

    They are kicked out at 8am and cannot return until 4pm - they must be in by 10pm or they are locked out (probation violation)

    There is no job training or structure. He lives there, he leaves and does whatever he wants. Can we say "hang out with negative friends"?

    I talked to his Clinical Director today and he told me one thing, then I spoke with the Social Worker at the program and she was very obviously a state worker. Not interested, told me that it's "free-will", they aren't a babysitting service, etc. I was FURIOUS but I held my tongue.

    I was told that his housing will be "subsidized" not covered. Not what was told to the court. He may go into congregate living - Not what was told to the court. If he is going to school, who is supposed to pay the additional amount? He has had an application for SSI made, but we all know they are denied and then need to be reviewed before they will be approved.

    I called the school today to set up a PPT. No, he shouldn't be an 18 year old in 10th grade, but they are required by law to provide him with education and according to DMHAS, they have to take their recommendations and use them in the IEP.

    When I picked him up (I know, I know) we talked about how I believe in him and how he needs to believe in himself. He said the right words (he's stronger than he thought he was), but I hope this time it's the truth.

    HERE'S MY PERSPECTIVE - Please correct me if you disagree.

    He's been in jail and a hospital for 1 year. He has had no contact with anyone except me, a few of his friends and his grandparents on the phone. They put him in a psychiatric hospital to stabilize his medications, he's facing 9 years in jail if he screws up - and they just let him GO?! Am I wrong? Am I just feeling the fear?

    Right now he is at a friend's house and the friend is going to drive him back. I told him to call me when they leave. See? I'm not LETTING him take responsibility for it, because I want everything to be okay.

    He tried to call his probation officer today but the guy's voicemail was full. It's ALWAYS full. I sent him an email explaining that difficult child was transferred. I cc'd difficult child's public defender. I'm afraid for him to screw up. I'm afraid for things to go wrong.

    My sister suggested that he and I take a ride on the bus system in the town where he is living so that he "learns how". He's never been on a bus before (other than a school bus). He can't count on me for transportation. He needs to get a job and he needs to be able to get there himself.

    Let, not make. Maybe I have to LET him take over and MAKE myself stop.
  9. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    Sounds like you are getting into the area of "underfunding and lack of services" quandry that exists in many areas.

    Why don't you PM RejectedMom and see what she's learned from her experiences.

  10. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Merris, I do hear you!
    When my oldest difficult child comes "home" in November/December from his halfway house I am going to probably be just like you if I'm not hitting some Al Anon meetings. I also "fear" for my oldest difficult child being put away for years if he doesn't comply fully with his terms of probation: fees, fines, restituion, meetings, job etc.

    "One day at a time"...easier said than done.

    I think you helping him know the bus system so that he "knows how" is a really good thing.
    You're a good mamma!