difficult child no bike for Xmas?

[TerryJ2]

difficult child lied to me about a homework assignment last wk. Normally I stay out of school stuff, but the teacher forced the issue by sending home 2 sep. homework alerts for me to sign. One was late, but finished, and the other was a science worksheet that had not even been touched.
difficult child insisted he no longer had to finish it, since he was getting a zero grade anyway. I told him that was strange, since he still needed to know the material. He still denied it.
I emailed the teacher.
She said he was being dishonest, and kept him in from recess to complete the worksheet.
(I love teacher lingo--you can't just say "he lied.")
I wanted to ground difficult child off the computer, and to his rm for a wk, but husband wanted to tell him he no longer gets a bike for Christmas.
I think that's too big of a thing to take away.
Of course, husband evaded the whole thing all weekend ... he hates confrontation ... we talked to difficult child about it, sent him to his room (he argued about it, then dug himself in deeper, lying about the lie, since he couldn't keep track. Arg.)
So, we never talked to him about the bike.
His birthday is on the 10th, so he'll still get gifts.
I hate this.
Any ideas?

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Perhaps (this is what I might do) use the bike as a future thing.

Let him know that you were considering it, but changed your mind. However, he needs to straighten up or else.

??

 

[SRL]

Personally I don't tie birthday or Christmas gifts in with behavior, and try to get the kids at least one thing they really want as long it's within reason.

My thinking on this is that there are 363 other days a year to try and get the point across through various other means. On birthdays and Christmas the only message I hope to make it that we're giving them the gift because they're our children and we love them.

 

[goldenguru]

I would nix removing Christmas gifts - Christmas (in my opinion) is not an earned privilege. It's a part of childhood.

I would certainly remove some privilege (computer loss sounds good to me) -

Grounding to the bedroom for an entire week sounds like a lot for a 10 year old - especially one with ADHD.

How about some extra chores around the house?

I think it's important to get to the root of the lie - help him figure out why he lied - and understand how it hurt you - hurt his teacher - etc.

Punishment for the lie is important - but helping him figure out why he did it might serve him better in the long run.

 

[meowbunny]

I would never consider taking away birthday celebrations or Christmas as a consequence, especially not for school behavior.

I'm not all that convinced he was lying, at least not to him. I know my daughter's logic would say there's no reason to do something if she was getting a zero anyway. It wouldn't matter that the teacher required it, there is no way she would see any need to do it and, in her mind, that would make sense. It would not make any sense to do something just because she might learn something. If she was going to get a zero no matter what, she wasn't going to do it. That simple.

I think no computer privileges until the project is done would be very fair. At least he'd have a reason for doing it. Maybe even toss in a letter of apology for all the hoops the adults had to go through to get him to do his work. After that, I'd let it go.

 

[TerryJ2]

I was thinking about a letter of apology, too. And loss of privilges, etc.
I will talk to husband about it tonight.
Thanks!

 

[DammitJanet]

Naw...dont take the xmas gifts. Do something else.

 

[busywend]

I took away trick or treating one year. Dex took away her birthday party - on his side.
It is not like these punishments changed her future behavior. That is the goal of punishment - teach. It did not work. difficult child to this day recalls those emotional punishments the most, but it did not change her at all. It just gave her ammunition to claim we did not love her in later years. LOL!

 

[skeeter]

I've had homework, ah, problems, with both my kids - still do occasionally with NL.

When NF was a freshman in high school, I let him "hang" himself first quarter. Before Christmas break, I required him to get a list from each and every teacher - signed - of any work he had missed up to that date.
Over the two weeks of Christmas vacation, he had to do ALL the homework, plus write a letter to each teacher stating that he was sorry and he now understood that even if it wasn't for a grade, his first priority was to do any and all homework.
He didn't miss another assignment the rest of his high school years.
The only "stipulation" I had for him and grades was I paid his insurance as long as he kept the "good student" discount. If he had lost it, HE would have to pay the entire amount or not drive.

NL has missed one assignment so far this school year - but he did it, he just didn't hand it in. I talked to his teacher who was going to give him full credit when he did hand it in, and told her to NOT do so - to ding him for not handing it in on time. She reluctantly agreed, and it made him have an A instead of a B for last quarter.
NL also looses computer privilage for missed homework, and gets time if he doesn't miss any during the quarter. Since he doesn't want to drive yet, I can't use the insurance incentive I used for his older brother.

But I would never tie it to Christmas presents.

 

[TerryJ2]

So, difficult child gets the bike.
We're going to have him write an apology.
Thanks everyone!

 

[Star*]

Make it a research apology type letter.

My son hated that - and NO internet. Encyclopedias only.

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh dear. He just wrote, "I am sorry for lying," 10X as fast as he could.
Ahem.
He insisted he thought it was an in-school assignment.