difficult child Out of the House - Day 9

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by WhereIsTheLight, Apr 28, 2007.

  1. WhereIsTheLight

    WhereIsTheLight New Member

    What a week! I worked several 11 and 12-hour days this week and was exhausted and beat up. This was the kind of week that, had difficult child and I been fighting - or even if I was still chopping, slicing, dicing, juicing, blending and straining - would have been an emotional and physical disaster for me. I was too tired and overworked to take care of myself, much less a difficult child with a broken jaw. easy child slipped quietly in and out of the evenings and fended for herself. One night, after having to host an office cocktail party (I know, my job sucks!) and a 12-hour day, I asked easy child if she was hungry. She said, "kinda" and I told her there was a can of soup in the cupboard and immediately crashed on the couch, not to be woken until the next morning.

    easy child let me rest. difficult child would have demanded, cajoled, guilted me into making her something to eat.

    When I got the gift card awards from work and ordered first a food processor (to replace the one that difficult child had been using pre-jaw break and left on the counter to mold - I don't clean up after my kids) and then the juicer (pre-jaw break too, but admittedly, difficult child's vegetarianism factored heavily in my decision to buy it), I told her, "When you have demonstrated to me that you can take the appliances apart, clean them and put them back together, you can use them without my supervision". I told her she would have to be extra careful about the blades and the tendency for food to turn to glue and reminded her that we were dealing with over $300 worth of equipment and that I wanted to keep it clean and functional.

    Ah, the mind of a difficult child! :devil:

    Her solution: Don't learn how to care for the appliances. And the very day after the juicer was delivered, after I spent $75 on fruits and veggies to break it in with, she broke her jaw. And she never once has used juicer. She attempted to use the food processor and became quite agitated when she couldn't get the safety inserted correctly and the thing wouldn't work. So, of course, I stepped up because I didn't want her to break it by using her favorite method of getting things to work, strongarming. And her idea of cleaning it really didn't conform to my standards and although I tried to be supportive, and teach her, her agitation blocked anything she was going to learn from me, so I just did it myself.

    Sigh.

    Blissfully, peacefully, THANKFULLY, I didn't have the demands, the dishes, the battles, the slamming doors and pounded walls, the loud offensive or weird music to flavor my exhausting week. I had my blankie and my remote, and I was as happy as the walking dead could expect to be.

    After my last post last weekend, difficult child had stopped by to retrieve more belongings. The first thing she said when she walking in the door was, "May I use the phone?" What could have been a tense situation actually turned out to be quite pleasant. She stuck around for a few hours, until her girlfriend arrived from school, and then she left.

    I feel like a Grandma now...she's so much more pleasant now that she leaves! :wink:

    I gave myself points for remaining detached. I didn't ask her many questions about where she was staying, what she was eating, if she had her toothbrush, etc. She, her sister and I even spent time just visiting, but still I kept the conversation very general and didn't ask how she was making it.

    I let her take the food that easy child and I wouldn't eat. Gone were the 23 boxes of teas, the miso, several veggies that we don't particularly care for. I have room in my refrigerator!

    When Wednesday approached, I clamped my own jaws shut and didn't call her at the "Commune" and remind her of her doctor's appointment to remove the wires and install the bands. I didn't ask her how she was going to get there.

    But, I have my spies and I put them to work. :smile:

    easy child and her boyfriend decided to go to drum circle at Hippy Heaven on Wednesday night, so I pumped her for information when she returned. Yes, difficult child had the wires removed, yes, she had the bands installed and she was able to move her jaws and talk.

    Was she in pain? The doctor had told me weeks ago that she'd have the option of going under when the wires were removed. easy child didn't know. Jeez! To have the detachment skills of a 17-year old! Still, it was apparent to easy child that difficult child was in no visible distress and I took comfort from that.

    difficult child called me at work yesterday and asked, " May I please come by this weekend and do some laundry? I can get a ride there, but could you take me back?" I said yes, she could do laundry and get more stuff from her room and I remained non-committal about the ride back. I am concerned that if I give her one ride, she'll continually ask me to taxi her, even if she is no longer living here. But, I probably will drive her back because

    <ul>[*]She is going back
    [*]She going to have stuff to carry
    [*]I have control over when she leaves if things get tense[/list]

    I was suprised last night when she showed up unannounced to get some more stuff with Mary (bless her heart, difficult child is still finding those rides), one of the women that lives at the commune. Mary is a few years older than me, and has that organic, hippy aura around her, but not flaky or flighty. difficult child went upstairs for a few minutes to talk to easy child (BIG, BIG, BIG issue has always been that difficult child would go into easy child's room unannounced, and easy child being a peacekeeper would allow it, but they were visiting). Being the difficult child-battered Warrior Mom that I am, I whispered to Mary, "How is she doing?"

    Mary told me she was doing fine and had that pleasant, happy look on her face. I didn't feel that my motherhood was threatened, but I felt compelled in hushed, hurried whispers to explain why I kicked her out.

    Mary said the most wonderful thing, the only thing that is really a comfort to me and could absolve my guilt:

    "You're the mom".

    Mary, in her wisdom and generosity of spirit said it all. She knows she has a difficult child (now) on her hands and she knows how incredibly difficult it is for difficult child and I to live together harmoniously.

    But most of all, Mary knows I'm not cold and cruel and that I love my difficult child. And I think I saw under that difficult child veil, an independent woman who loves her mom, too.
     
  2. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    It sounds like a week which had a happy conclusion. Or at least one where you feel peace. That's a good thing.

    Suz
     
  3. KFld

    KFld New Member

    That is great!! Isn't detatching a wonderful thing???

    Keeping it simple is the best way to handle this right now. This is causing her to be reponsible. sounds like she is learning to keep her own schedule. Just the fact that she made it to the dr's appoint with no reminders from you is a big step.

    It doesn't take long to adjust to a home with no difficult child, does it??
     
  4. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    sounds good. This could be just what your difficult child needed. Sometimes when we say we need space we forget that our difficult child's might also. Enjoy your respice. -RM
     
  5. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    ant has been out for a month. I am grateful to have boyfriend working with him daily as I still know ant is ok overall.
    you cant live with them, but you wonfer naturally...because of being their parent...if they are still making it

    I no longer so attached to ant and his world. I have made it very clear to him that I can no longer take the emotional toll.
     
  6. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    WITL,

    I have been wondering how you are doing!

    by the way: Love your writing.

    Anyway, sounds like things are going okay and you have a bit of peace of mind.
     
  7. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    WITL,
    sounds like things are going well for all of you! I am impressed. I am also going through this process with my dtr so I can relate. In my case she did not make it to any of her dr. appts. this week but that's her problem. She can reschedule or not. Is she working? I don't know, not my problem. Where is she living? I don't know, not my problem. Will she survive? Probably, she is a master at getting her needs met and finding people who will take care of her.

    Keep us informed, okay?

    Jane
     
  8. WhereIsTheLight

    WhereIsTheLight New Member

    jbrain:

    Yup, they are manipulative little so-and-sos, aren't they. I have no doubt difficult child has been regaling the Commune with tales of neglect and abuse on my part in order to gain sympathy for her plight. I'm trying to not care what she tells people about me.

    On the other hand, when she was acute, I got tired of people telling me that I was a good mother, doing the right thing, and that she'd do better when she grew up a bit.

    Well, the tantrums did get less intense and less frequent, but her disrespect and lack of motivation and freeloading didn't. If I was such a good mother, why wasn't it working????

    I did my best with what I had at the time. I could have done better, and I could have done a hell of a lot worse.

    Thanks for all your good wishes. If all goes well, I may have to change my login name.
     
  9. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi WITL,
    your comment about people telling you she would do better when she grew up a little really brought back some memories for me. So many people have told me something along those lines too--and yes, she has done better with maturing but I have always known in my gut that something is not right with her--something beyond normal rebelliousness. It has bothered me a lot to hear people talk about their kids and problems and to know that this is different. I can't even explain why it is different!

    I am from Michigan, now live in NY state. Are you anywhere near Kalamazoo?

    Hugs,
    Jane
     
  10. WhereIsTheLight

    WhereIsTheLight New Member

    Hi Jane:

    No, I'm in the suburbs north of Detroit. I hope sunshine comes your way this weekend!
     
Loading...