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difficult child psychiatric hospital update
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 637905" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>This is a very good beginning for you, Guide Me.</p><p></p><p>It takes a long time for us to see the real patterns in our families. And when we do, it breaks our hearts and so, we try so hard to fix, to apologize, to make up for or make better. But we are looking from the wrong perspective, I think. We are seeing things from the perspective of the responsible parent. Surely it was this, that, or the next person, place, or thing I did or did not do that made it impossible for poor, angelic difficult child to meet his or her potential.</p><p></p><p>But as the years pass and the difficult child continues to act out to the point that even we see it for what it is, then we have to work really hard to let go of what we did to create the situation for difficult child, and begin to really look at...the difficult child.</p><p></p><p>I did not teach my children to do what they do.</p><p></p><p>Boy, did I not teach my children to do what they do.</p><p></p><p>That is a huge step for me. To believe that I did not, some magical somehow, teach my kids the exact opposite of what I'd hoped to teach them.</p><p></p><p>I was so sure it was my fault.</p><p></p><p>I am the mother.</p><p></p><p>And then, really dimly at first, and with much shock and turning away and wondering what kind of mother are we, anyway...we get it that our difficult child isn't normal.</p><p></p><p>And that feels like we are betraying the child we somehow managed to raise so poorly that they are having all these terrible problems and cannot, somehow, in the midst of the chaos and rescuing and crashing and burning again, manage to keep a civil tongue in their heads when they are talking to us.</p><p></p><p>It is almost impossibly hard to see what is for what it is without berating ourselves. But that is what we are here on the site to learn.</p><p></p><p>How to do this impossible thing.</p><p></p><p>You have taken the first step, Guide Me.</p><p></p><p>To see ourselves as being used instead of seeing ourselves as responsible for the words or actions of another adult ~ that is a huge first step.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>You posted about your difficult children current actions and attitudes possibly being related to her upbringing.... MWM alluded to moms here on the site, posting away from the depths of Guilt City, who supposedly did the "right" things, and still find themselves right here on the site.</p><p></p><p>One of them is me.</p><p></p><p>My children had a stable home life. Not tons of money, but we did alright. Not a perfect family life, but again, we did all right.</p><p></p><p>I am one of the moms who has been married for over forty years to the same man, who is the father of both my children. I was never married to anyone else. I have no other children. I was a mom at home. I did Brownies, Cubs, Great Books, PTA and blah, blah, blah.</p><p></p><p>We lived in the same neighborhood for something like twenty years. In a house we'd built when the kids were just babies.</p><p></p><p>And here I am, posting away, and have been forever, it seems.</p><p></p><p>I can't figure out what I did wrong, either.</p><p></p><p>But here is an interesting story:</p><p></p><p>Because treatment/treatment/treatment only made difficult child daughter worse, we did not want difficult child son in treatment until 1) we finally got it that the problem was drugs, and not what happened with his sister and 2) we had already tried everything else.</p><p></p><p>He was old enough then to refuse, and he did.</p><p></p><p>So we dug him out ourselves and of course, that did not work.</p><p></p><p>As the years went on and we kept trying to figure out how we had managed to mess our children up to this degree, we realized the thing we had considered but hadn't done was military school. </p><p></p><p>Boy, did we kick ourselves in the pants over that one.</p><p></p><p>And then, another mom came onto the site?</p><p></p><p>And she was sure her child was having the problems he was having because she <em>did</em> put him in military school!</p><p></p><p>So...there seem to be no hard and fast answers, except that whatever we do, the difficult child somehow manages not to get better, or succeed, or graduate.</p><p></p><p>Or manage to keep a civil tongue in their heads when talking to their own mothers.</p><p></p><p>Which is really starting to bug me about difficult child son.</p><p></p><p>I must be getting better.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 637905, member: 17461"] This is a very good beginning for you, Guide Me. It takes a long time for us to see the real patterns in our families. And when we do, it breaks our hearts and so, we try so hard to fix, to apologize, to make up for or make better. But we are looking from the wrong perspective, I think. We are seeing things from the perspective of the responsible parent. Surely it was this, that, or the next person, place, or thing I did or did not do that made it impossible for poor, angelic difficult child to meet his or her potential. But as the years pass and the difficult child continues to act out to the point that even we see it for what it is, then we have to work really hard to let go of what we did to create the situation for difficult child, and begin to really look at...the difficult child. I did not teach my children to do what they do. Boy, did I not teach my children to do what they do. That is a huge step for me. To believe that I did not, some magical somehow, teach my kids the exact opposite of what I'd hoped to teach them. I was so sure it was my fault. I am the mother. And then, really dimly at first, and with much shock and turning away and wondering what kind of mother are we, anyway...we get it that our difficult child isn't normal. And that feels like we are betraying the child we somehow managed to raise so poorly that they are having all these terrible problems and cannot, somehow, in the midst of the chaos and rescuing and crashing and burning again, manage to keep a civil tongue in their heads when they are talking to us. It is almost impossibly hard to see what is for what it is without berating ourselves. But that is what we are here on the site to learn. How to do this impossible thing. You have taken the first step, Guide Me. To see ourselves as being used instead of seeing ourselves as responsible for the words or actions of another adult ~ that is a huge first step. *** You posted about your difficult children current actions and attitudes possibly being related to her upbringing.... MWM alluded to moms here on the site, posting away from the depths of Guilt City, who supposedly did the "right" things, and still find themselves right here on the site. One of them is me. My children had a stable home life. Not tons of money, but we did alright. Not a perfect family life, but again, we did all right. I am one of the moms who has been married for over forty years to the same man, who is the father of both my children. I was never married to anyone else. I have no other children. I was a mom at home. I did Brownies, Cubs, Great Books, PTA and blah, blah, blah. We lived in the same neighborhood for something like twenty years. In a house we'd built when the kids were just babies. And here I am, posting away, and have been forever, it seems. I can't figure out what I did wrong, either. But here is an interesting story: Because treatment/treatment/treatment only made difficult child daughter worse, we did not want difficult child son in treatment until 1) we finally got it that the problem was drugs, and not what happened with his sister and 2) we had already tried everything else. He was old enough then to refuse, and he did. So we dug him out ourselves and of course, that did not work. As the years went on and we kept trying to figure out how we had managed to mess our children up to this degree, we realized the thing we had considered but hadn't done was military school. Boy, did we kick ourselves in the pants over that one. And then, another mom came onto the site? And she was sure her child was having the problems he was having because she [I]did[/I] put him in military school! So...there seem to be no hard and fast answers, except that whatever we do, the difficult child somehow manages not to get better, or succeed, or graduate. Or manage to keep a civil tongue in their heads when talking to their own mothers. Which is really starting to bug me about difficult child son. I must be getting better. :O) Cedar [/QUOTE]
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