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difficult child refuses to do anything we say, sneaks out, etc
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 105855" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>It's really hard when you can see him doing the wrong thing. All you can do is say, "You shouldn't be doing that," but do not add the "or else" because you have already learnt you cannot give him consequences that you can follow through on.</p><p></p><p>Basically, don't start a fight with him that you can't be certain of winning. </p><p></p><p>That's in the short-term. In the long term, you need to find a way, fast, of turning this around. I know, a tall order. But every time you tell him to not do this, or that, and he does it - you have lost that much more authority over him. You need to stop entirely. Let him know that if he chooses to go his own way, you aren't going to be the one to stop him. But you WILL call the cops on him if he is breaking the law.</p><p></p><p>Hugs and hang in there. There will be others along to give you more advice. Your days of trying to physically restrain him are long gone. Take a deep breath and be relieved. It's time to find a new angle, one you CAN enforce. One to consider - the things you do for him. Make your own private list - you cook, you clean, you do his laundry, you probably do other things. If he stops being cooperative, what will happen if you stop doing your bits for him? Food is usually the biggest leverage we can use. Often our kids don't care if what they're wearing is ragged, dirty or smelly. But a rumbling belly will send a strong message that he has to cook for himself (or find somewhere else to live) if he won't follow house rules.</p><p></p><p>Think again - if he were not your son, but instead were a flatmate, what would you do? How would you communicate your concerns? What would you expect from him and what would you expect you would be doing for him?</p><p></p><p>Often as they go into their teens our kids want to be treated as adults (even when they're behaving like children). Since we will put up with a lot more than a flatmate would, this can be good practice for the big wide world.</p><p></p><p>We have a household of mostly young adults - and us (throw in difficult child 3). The other adults - we all take turns washing up. At the moment I do most of the cooking, with husband helping, but at any time I can call on the others to lend a hand. We work as a team to keep the household running - if someone is putting on a load of washing, they will ask around to see if there's anything else, to make up a load. We all keep an eye on the washing line to be ready to bring in the washing if it starts to rain. There's no point being lazy about that one, and then complaining that you've run out of shirts because they are still wet on the line after being rained on.</p><p>We answer the phone, we take messages (and pass them on), we sort the mail and make sure it gets to the person it's intended for. These are all things we just do, as the need arises. We help each other with transport and car-pooling (another area where you can go on strike). We even lend each other our cars (also another area you can go on strike). Whatever you choose to do to limit his rudeness, you need to have a logical consequences reason. For example, "I'm not lending you my car because you have been drinking and I always said, I will never let you into my car if you drive while intoxicated." Or, "I'm not lending you my car because I need it myself."</p><p></p><p>There are ways, and we often have to make big adjustments when our kids force us to look at them and their management in different ways.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 105855, member: 1991"] It's really hard when you can see him doing the wrong thing. All you can do is say, "You shouldn't be doing that," but do not add the "or else" because you have already learnt you cannot give him consequences that you can follow through on. Basically, don't start a fight with him that you can't be certain of winning. That's in the short-term. In the long term, you need to find a way, fast, of turning this around. I know, a tall order. But every time you tell him to not do this, or that, and he does it - you have lost that much more authority over him. You need to stop entirely. Let him know that if he chooses to go his own way, you aren't going to be the one to stop him. But you WILL call the cops on him if he is breaking the law. Hugs and hang in there. There will be others along to give you more advice. Your days of trying to physically restrain him are long gone. Take a deep breath and be relieved. It's time to find a new angle, one you CAN enforce. One to consider - the things you do for him. Make your own private list - you cook, you clean, you do his laundry, you probably do other things. If he stops being cooperative, what will happen if you stop doing your bits for him? Food is usually the biggest leverage we can use. Often our kids don't care if what they're wearing is ragged, dirty or smelly. But a rumbling belly will send a strong message that he has to cook for himself (or find somewhere else to live) if he won't follow house rules. Think again - if he were not your son, but instead were a flatmate, what would you do? How would you communicate your concerns? What would you expect from him and what would you expect you would be doing for him? Often as they go into their teens our kids want to be treated as adults (even when they're behaving like children). Since we will put up with a lot more than a flatmate would, this can be good practice for the big wide world. We have a household of mostly young adults - and us (throw in difficult child 3). The other adults - we all take turns washing up. At the moment I do most of the cooking, with husband helping, but at any time I can call on the others to lend a hand. We work as a team to keep the household running - if someone is putting on a load of washing, they will ask around to see if there's anything else, to make up a load. We all keep an eye on the washing line to be ready to bring in the washing if it starts to rain. There's no point being lazy about that one, and then complaining that you've run out of shirts because they are still wet on the line after being rained on. We answer the phone, we take messages (and pass them on), we sort the mail and make sure it gets to the person it's intended for. These are all things we just do, as the need arises. We help each other with transport and car-pooling (another area where you can go on strike). We even lend each other our cars (also another area you can go on strike). Whatever you choose to do to limit his rudeness, you need to have a logical consequences reason. For example, "I'm not lending you my car because you have been drinking and I always said, I will never let you into my car if you drive while intoxicated." Or, "I'm not lending you my car because I need it myself." There are ways, and we often have to make big adjustments when our kids force us to look at them and their management in different ways. Marg [/QUOTE]
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