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difficult child says I ruined Christmas
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 567860" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Why not suggest that this year you are doing a different kind of Christmas, one focused on the reason rather than the amount of money spent or the things received? Set aside time to do something together, whether it is help her color her hair a color of her choosing, available iwth a home color kit (that you can find coupons for), or something you make for her (search for DIY gifts, gifts from the kitchen, pinterest christmas craft/gift sites, etc....)</p><p></p><p>in my opinion your difficult child is really pushing you way more than you should be tolerating. I know it is hard, but the more entitled the kid gets, the less they receive from husband and I. We simply do NOT like the focus being on gimme gimme gimme and not even Wiz could make us shake that. We have had many years with almost zero money for gifts, but we shop thrift stores, make things, and give experience gifts. One year a friend's husband got a handheld gps unit when they were very new, this was about a $200 item. He is the least outdoorsy person and he is also super entitled with his gadgets (and can afford to buy what he wants as he consults worldwide at enormous fees). So he gave the gps to his wife to give to me. husband took it and loved it, and he took the kids geocaching on several set dates. You just google geocaching and your region, state, whatever and sites pop up. They had a blast every time, and it cost NOTHING because we filled snacks and water bottles at home. </p><p></p><p>I get very resistant to the holidays when I get too much pressure to gimme gimme gimme or ANY "you ruined Christmas" pressure. I simply will dig in and refuse to do it for that person, or to do much for a child. </p><p></p><p>in my opinion it is time to tell your difficult child that she can either be cooperative and appreciative and understanding or she can go live with dad and the stepmom who hates her. She has a CHOICE.</p><p></p><p>Have you ever thought about getting some help? Yes, it is tough to find the time and money. You CAN find free help, and at least here the NAMI support groups are free and awesome and they have a bipolar support group. If my town has one, yours probably does too. You seem to feel a LOT of guilt and you have an ex and a difficult child who bully you with guilt and you buy in and give in and wonder what to do and why they do this. They do it because they can. You give in to them, appease them as much as possible, and anguish over whether or not things are okay.</p><p></p><p>Some of that is normal, but in my opinion the time is coming when this is going to lead your difficult child into seriously dangerous waters and defiance. You already have real problems with hygeine and attendance. I know how hard those are and dealt with them myself with my difficult child. The bigger issue is that she is becoming very defiant and it is leading to some real problems for you. The drnking on an empty stomach that lead to getting very out of control at thanksgiving, the issues with medication, these are ALL signs that you probably need some help coping. </p><p></p><p>We ALL need therapy and help coping. I have had years and years of therapy, so have my husband and kids. I have taken antidepresants for years and so has husband and when needed, my kids have had them too. It was hard to carve out the time. We looked at these things as vital to the health of our family , not just ourselves. I think that your drinking at Thanksgiving went over the limit in part because you are so stressed and wanted to cut loose and maybe you don't have all the tools to handle things in a healthier way. We all have times when we are not proud of ourselves. That is being human. We all have to stop and assess that behavior after we do it and figure out if that is how we want to continue and what we need to change if we don't want to do that again. </p><p></p><p>I know you are terrified of going to court over custody because you lost custody in the past due to problems. That IS scary. The thing is, if you are getting help, even if it is just a support group from NAMI or alanon or a church support group or whatever, this is a huge good thing in court. The judge would see your problems in the past, and he would see the issues that ex brings up, and what you bring up, and he would look to see what you and ex are DOING about the problems, and if you are getting help? And making sure the kids get help?? these are HUGE points in your favor. </p><p></p><p>Please check in with the psychiatrist treating your bipolar to make sure that it is actually safe for you to drink alcohol while taking them, and if he says it isn't, then don't drink. Not ever. If you need help to make that happen, get it. Get yourself to a therapist or bipolar support group or whatever also. There are groups that have forty min meetings here and in most towns and cities so that people can go at lunch. Or take the kids and make them sit outside and do homework if you have to, or make appts for when ex has custody and if he wont' take the kids, take them wth you and have the therapist or group leader document that they were with you but it is his weekend. Someone else verifying that he skipped or shortened visits, esp with no notice, shows a pattern that also will get points for you. The third party documentation doesn't need his reason, just that it happened. </p><p></p><p>I know I have said similar to you before, and you have never commented. That is okay. You don't have to comment, but I think you would be very well advised to think about this and maybe ask others in real life and here on the board if maybe this would be good advice. I also think that if you have your difficult child in therapy it would go a long way wtih a judge. Esp if ex is against it. Often school can help arrange this if you cannot afford it.</p><p></p><p>As for presents, you can also think of an item or two and go to the local freecycle list and ask if anyone can pass the item along. <a href="http://www.freecycle.org" target="_blank">www.freecycle.org</a> will get you to the info about the group.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 567860, member: 1233"] Why not suggest that this year you are doing a different kind of Christmas, one focused on the reason rather than the amount of money spent or the things received? Set aside time to do something together, whether it is help her color her hair a color of her choosing, available iwth a home color kit (that you can find coupons for), or something you make for her (search for DIY gifts, gifts from the kitchen, pinterest christmas craft/gift sites, etc....) in my opinion your difficult child is really pushing you way more than you should be tolerating. I know it is hard, but the more entitled the kid gets, the less they receive from husband and I. We simply do NOT like the focus being on gimme gimme gimme and not even Wiz could make us shake that. We have had many years with almost zero money for gifts, but we shop thrift stores, make things, and give experience gifts. One year a friend's husband got a handheld gps unit when they were very new, this was about a $200 item. He is the least outdoorsy person and he is also super entitled with his gadgets (and can afford to buy what he wants as he consults worldwide at enormous fees). So he gave the gps to his wife to give to me. husband took it and loved it, and he took the kids geocaching on several set dates. You just google geocaching and your region, state, whatever and sites pop up. They had a blast every time, and it cost NOTHING because we filled snacks and water bottles at home. I get very resistant to the holidays when I get too much pressure to gimme gimme gimme or ANY "you ruined Christmas" pressure. I simply will dig in and refuse to do it for that person, or to do much for a child. in my opinion it is time to tell your difficult child that she can either be cooperative and appreciative and understanding or she can go live with dad and the stepmom who hates her. She has a CHOICE. Have you ever thought about getting some help? Yes, it is tough to find the time and money. You CAN find free help, and at least here the NAMI support groups are free and awesome and they have a bipolar support group. If my town has one, yours probably does too. You seem to feel a LOT of guilt and you have an ex and a difficult child who bully you with guilt and you buy in and give in and wonder what to do and why they do this. They do it because they can. You give in to them, appease them as much as possible, and anguish over whether or not things are okay. Some of that is normal, but in my opinion the time is coming when this is going to lead your difficult child into seriously dangerous waters and defiance. You already have real problems with hygeine and attendance. I know how hard those are and dealt with them myself with my difficult child. The bigger issue is that she is becoming very defiant and it is leading to some real problems for you. The drnking on an empty stomach that lead to getting very out of control at thanksgiving, the issues with medication, these are ALL signs that you probably need some help coping. We ALL need therapy and help coping. I have had years and years of therapy, so have my husband and kids. I have taken antidepresants for years and so has husband and when needed, my kids have had them too. It was hard to carve out the time. We looked at these things as vital to the health of our family , not just ourselves. I think that your drinking at Thanksgiving went over the limit in part because you are so stressed and wanted to cut loose and maybe you don't have all the tools to handle things in a healthier way. We all have times when we are not proud of ourselves. That is being human. We all have to stop and assess that behavior after we do it and figure out if that is how we want to continue and what we need to change if we don't want to do that again. I know you are terrified of going to court over custody because you lost custody in the past due to problems. That IS scary. The thing is, if you are getting help, even if it is just a support group from NAMI or alanon or a church support group or whatever, this is a huge good thing in court. The judge would see your problems in the past, and he would see the issues that ex brings up, and what you bring up, and he would look to see what you and ex are DOING about the problems, and if you are getting help? And making sure the kids get help?? these are HUGE points in your favor. Please check in with the psychiatrist treating your bipolar to make sure that it is actually safe for you to drink alcohol while taking them, and if he says it isn't, then don't drink. Not ever. If you need help to make that happen, get it. Get yourself to a therapist or bipolar support group or whatever also. There are groups that have forty min meetings here and in most towns and cities so that people can go at lunch. Or take the kids and make them sit outside and do homework if you have to, or make appts for when ex has custody and if he wont' take the kids, take them wth you and have the therapist or group leader document that they were with you but it is his weekend. Someone else verifying that he skipped or shortened visits, esp with no notice, shows a pattern that also will get points for you. The third party documentation doesn't need his reason, just that it happened. I know I have said similar to you before, and you have never commented. That is okay. You don't have to comment, but I think you would be very well advised to think about this and maybe ask others in real life and here on the board if maybe this would be good advice. I also think that if you have your difficult child in therapy it would go a long way wtih a judge. Esp if ex is against it. Often school can help arrange this if you cannot afford it. As for presents, you can also think of an item or two and go to the local freecycle list and ask if anyone can pass the item along. [url]www.freecycle.org[/url] will get you to the info about the group. [/QUOTE]
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