difficult child says "No" to anymore schooling

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearts and roses, Apr 28, 2009.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Grrrreeeeaaaaat. difficult child has a job. She's cleaning houses, which is fine, but let's face it, it's not a lifelong job. Every job she has is faced with half heartedness on her part and she's never really 100% present when she goes in. She seems to like this job, in that she doesn't have a boss breathing down her neck and although her jobs are timed, she's out and about. She discovered that her AC works yesterday - yeah!

    Anyway, she was complaining about her job the other day and I mentioned attending school in the fall - to try the phlebotomy program again or something else if she's interested. The words were barely out of my mouth, pretty much still floating in the air, and she blurted out a "No. I am never going to college Mom". Okay.

    So, I'm not asking for advice or even venting really. Just wanted to share my disappointment. I understand that not everyone desires or even needs higher education. I'm included in those who haven't finished college. And I know a lot of people who have gone on to be successful in their lives without college or trade school. But it wasn't easy and there is a disparity among your peers in the struggle to acquire the same jobs out there. I just worry about difficult child, because with her fight or flight mindset (hers being flight!), she has a tendency to give up too easily and I don't know, I just worry about that. So, that's it, just putting my thoughts down. Now I can let it go. Thanks for listening.
  2. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I know what you mean. I had hoped for Dude to have a GED by Mother's Day - but I can't MAKE him finish and get a GED. Part of me doesnt' think he's ever had the schooling because most Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s are not accredited. The other part of me thinks - are we successful in the fact that despite not having a hs diploma or GED he has a job and is starting to see what work and life and all of it is about?

    Dude talked about doing a work keys program through adult ed - and actually I think I may try something like that. At 44 I don't know that I want a different career, but it's becoming aparent with every younger person hired that technology is necessary and keeping up with it is imperative.

    With Dude? He LOVED going to school - but had fallen so far behind that he now feels like he's stupid and will never catch up. I just tell him that eventually his life experiences will catch him up on things he missed in school and every day life will teach you some of the things that you missed learning - like fractions (now in construction) and how electric currents work (He bought a book on how to rewire a car) so while we're sad that they don't get a secondary education now? Tell yourself....

    BABY STEPS.....Not everyone enjoyed school (I hated it) LOVED learning - but HATED school. Could not wait to get OUT. BUT - have always worked and supported myself - I think in the end thats something to be proud of as a parent.

    and I used to OWN a Merry Maids - so I know EXACTLY how much fun your daughters job is.....it can be if she's on a good team. It can also open doors to other jobs and it will keep her busy, tired and help her sleep at night. (just a few good points) :D
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Jo...I can also relate to your post.

    I had such high hopes for those precious little bundles I held way back then. Oh I couldnt wait for them to do well in school and go on to college. Uh...ok...life really played tricks on me! One son graduated from high school normally, one graduated from adult ed because of a mess up with credits, and we all know Cory dropped out. One son has both an AS and a vocational diploma, one son did the military route, and Cory...well...he is doing the school of hard knocks.

    Cory can actually make the most money WHEN he works but the problem is him actually finding a job and keeping a job with his disabilities and felonies. Sigh.

    Jamie is the most successful even though he graduated from adult ed but he did the military thing and got all his training that way.
  4. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Oh gosh, this was a hard adjustment for me to make, too. But I had to face that Rob was miserable in school and as long as he could provide for himself, it was a legal activity, he had at least a modicum of satisfaction, then I was happy...and proud!

  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I'm so scared Nichole is going to land this in my lap one day. boyfriend is pushing her so hard when it comes to school......the guy is relentless about it, nagging about studying, test scores, grades........Worse than a parent. But she's getting fed up.....So now I'm worrying. sheesh

    Ok I have a suggestion. Do you ever get those ads in the paper for the US postal service exam? If so you might want to show it to difficult child. The exam is NOT hard, I swear. If she can pass the exam, she has a chance at a job that pays 18-20 dollars an hour with excellent benefits and does not require one more minute of college.

    Nichole is getting ready to take it. And Mom is worried it's because boyfriend is pushing her to the limit as far as school goes. So I encouraged her to go for it. Doesn't hurt anything. And if she passes and gets a job as a mail carrier......she can still go to school.

    I'm sorry Jo. I was so hoping the phlebotomy would work out for her. When we're young we make stupid decisions. (I know, I did)

    Do you think a trade school would be more up her alley? Not everyone is college material.

  6. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    It is so hard when our dreams for them is not the reality of their lives. My oldest has a four year college degree in Political Science with a minor is African-American History. He works in the construction industry (in management). difficult child is probably the most intelligent of my 3, but he struggled to graduate from HS and is cooking in a restaurant. easy child graduated from HS at 16---a year before difficult child who is 18 months older---she went to college 1 semester and then dropped out. If she could take all math classes---she would be in heaven---but she hates everything else. She works in the insurance industry. I have hope that one day they will all have a college degree. It is never too late. My older sister dropped out of high school, graduated from night school, and didn't go back to college until she was 32. She now has a masters in theology from Emory University and is a minister in a very large church. Hopefully, cleaning one too many dirty houses will help her realize the importance of a degree.
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Is she working? I know it is a hard blow - the loss of another set of dreams that you had for your child.

    Does she have a plan for what she will do if she is not in school?

    HAve you talked with husband about how long she can live with-you if seh is not in school or apprenticed somewhere? I ask because my parents said as long as we were in school we could live with them. We were expected to also have jobs.

    When my gfgbro flunked out of school my parents gave him a few months to get his act together and figure things out. But it became apparent that he was NOT doing either of those things - he just wanted to work a minimum wage job and live with them in their non-minimum wage lifestyle.

    He was finally told to leave - to go and live whatever lifestyle he wanted to foot the bill for. He came home 2 days later and said he was going to the Army. He served 2 years and it did help him grow up. Some.

    Sincey you now know she is not planning college, it is maybe time for you and husband to set some rules in place for this phase of her life under your roof.

    Just a thought.

    I do hope seh finds a job she can be fulfilled in and happy with.
  8. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    I understand. My difficult child has refused all further college and at the moment doesn't want even to apply to any practical training courses. But he has to want it, and eventually he'll realize that he needs a skill - and then, when he's the one who sees the need for it, he'll figure out a way to learn one.
  9. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Don't worry, Jo. This will work itself out, too. She'll either get tired of cleaning houses and find a way to have a more suitable career, or she'll find a way to make this something she loves. Big hugs...
  10. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    It will work out, Jo. She's still so young, who knows how she will feel about college in a few years? I think it is great she likes her job--and it does feel good to earn money--gives you confidence and a sense of independence.

    None of my kids appear to be taking the route I thought they would. easy child son went to college for 2 yrs and got into trouble with drinking. He has a great work ethic though and has never lacked a job. He is now a cook in a restaurant in Seattle and saving his money to go back to college--he really does want a degree. difficult child 1 ended up with a GED at the age of 17--she hated school and was not about to finish high school after her stints in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and rehabs. She worked very hard to get the GED while in her last rehab. As you know she is an "exotic dancer"--she earns a lot of money for what she considers very little work. difficult child 2/easy child is a senior in high school and has no desire for college though she is probably the smartest of the 3 kids and is the one I would have predicted going for an advanced degree eventually. Who knows, might still happen.

    I think this parenting has been the most educational and humbling experience of my life. I have really had to learn to let go of expectations for other people and to let them live their own lives. I am so much less judgmental than I was as a young adult and I no longer see things as black and white. I also learned to "never say never". I have learned that you just cannot predict what will happen, you can't have your life all planned out and expect it to go that way.

    I actually think in some ways we are luckier than parents who have had "perfect" children who followed the paths their parents set for them. If those children rebel at some point it is going to be really hard for the parents to deal with it. We, in this group, are all experts at adapting and being knocked down and picking ourselves up over and over again. We truly are strong people, all of us, and I don't know of a more compassionate group of people than us!

  11. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    difficult child was fired this morning. She's out applying today. All the college kids will be home in 2 weeks, so I know most of them have secured their spot at many of the local businesses for the summer months. I hope and pray she finds something. H doesn't know yet. She pulled back into the driveway as I was leaving. On the one hand I feel for her. on the other hand, I am so tired of this - I mean, GET A FREAKIN JOB AND KEEP IT ALREADY.

    There, just had to get that out. Maybe this will also be a motivator to get her back thinking about a course or trade school or something. Just such a waste of a very smart young woman.
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ya know Jo....has difficult child ever thought of the military? She might be a good fit in the Navy or even the Coast Guard. She isnt a dumb girl, just somewhat unfocused. The military could focus her and she couldnt get fired every couple of months! They dont fire you, they just make you miserable and that normally only takes one time...lol.
  13. dlclark

    dlclark New Member

    a newbie as of yesterday, what is a difficult child?

  14. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Oh Janet. I wish I had the nerve to suggest the military for difficult child. I'd like to find something similar in nature without her having to go into the military. Not right now, not with the climate of our nation's relationship with other nations. I'm too fearful when it comes to that, I know, but I can't help myself. I don't think she'd do it anyway, but I have suggested other things like Peace Corp, Job Corp, AmeriCorp - she won't bite.

    Thank you for the suggestion.
  15. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Sounds like she wants to figure it out herself, Jo. Whatever you suggest or she thinks you want her to do she will say "no." She probably wants to figure out her identity on her own.
  16. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Any idea why she was fired, Jo?

    Is there a pattern?

  17. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    :rofl: Oh that's funny. I never go digging up smileys, but I was just about peeing my pants when I read this, Suz!! Is there a pattern? Does a bear _____ in the woods? Hahahaha, oh yeah there's a pattern allright. It goes like this:

    difficult child hunts for MONTHS for a job, difficult child gets job, difficult child likes job, boss reprimands difficult child for something minor that difficult child blows out of proportion, difficult child becomes disenchanted with job, difficult child starts getting lazy about job and begins making excuses why it hoovers so much, difficult child loses job. difficult child scratches her head in wonder...."Hmmm, why did that just happen?" difficult child says to herself. :holymoly:

    Yes, there is most definitely a pattern. You know what? It doesn't matter what H or I say or suggest to difficult child. Maybe I'm just being picky but it would seem that BATHING so you smell nice might be a good place to start when applying for jobs and interviewing. Or at the very least, spritzing some perfume and BRUSHING your hair and teeth = emphasis on both of those. She pulls her hair up in a sort of haphazard knot and usually forgets to brush her coffee soaked, tobacco smelling teeth. It's really quite gross. And clothing. She has this thing in her head with this one outfit. It has become her "job hunting outfit". It's a pair of wrinkly kacki's that she's pulled out of her bottom drawer, matched with a tan 3/4 length sleeve sweater with a tan cami underneath. She wears her sister's "all white" sneakers with this outfit. I have tried and tried to explain to her that even if she's going for a job at the dump, it is really protocol to dress professionally. Then I get her response that she doesn't have anything like that. BS. While on the job, difficult child feels she should be able to take multiple bathroom breaks to use her cell phone and/or text her friends. She feels she should also be allowed to go outside for a cigarette every once in a while. At her last job, her boss must have told her that she realizes difficult child is only going to the bathroom to use her cell so from then on she had to let a manager know when she was going to the bathroom. difficult child flipped out and wondered, "What if I had a bathroom problem?" I asked difficult child if she did have a bathroom problem. She said no. Oooooookay, so then boss's suspicions sound founded. difficult child got really mad and they exchanged words and she got fired. difficult child claimed it was an agreement between them that she leave the job....ahem, yeah, as in "your fired, please leave now" so difficult child agreed to leave. We've told her "You can't use your cell at work - leave it in the car. You must dress nice and be clean and presentable." It isn't clicking with her.

    Suz, can ya tell ya hit a nerve? Hahahaha:highvoltage:

    I'm not going to get myself all worked up, and besides, I know I'm just being picky....hahahaha.
  18. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Yep, I guess I hit a nerve, Jo.

    I know it's not uncommon, but my guess is that difficult child won't change her hygiene until she falls for someone who tells her she stinks. lol

    Last edited: Apr 30, 2009