difficult child says she doesn't want to come home "yet".

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by scent of cedar, May 6, 2013.

  1. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    We are safely home. When difficult child called (which she does, periodically), I offered to have husband pick her up and bring her home. While admitting that she had been hoping for that very thing, difficult child said, "not yet".


    It is still all about the man she left treatment for, spent all her money on/with, wrecked her van and lacerated her liver with, devastated her children over. She says he is dying. Yesterday, we received a Facebook from her that she is powerless to make him stop using....

    Okay. This is a lie. We know she has been using, herself. Though she did sound clear THAT day on the phone, I know darn well she is using whatever she can get her hands on, because we have received calls from her from detox. (Part of the reason I write these posts is to see the truth I am missing. Denial is such a strong thing.) So, what I really saw in that phone call was difficult child's brilliant portrayal of the daughter of my heart. What I saw was difficult child's driver, coldly and determinedly portraying difficult child as a naive, tenderhearted young woman determined to save someone in trouble from himself.

    But that is not who difficult child is. Not anymore.

    difficult child is the person who has been evicted from the apartment we co-signed for (and got stuck with the bills for), and evicted and blacklisted from the two sleaziest, most squalid motel/hotel fleabag whatever in the city.

    difficult child is the person who sought out others like herself, and who has been living, and sleeping with them, since.

    Also, I've been reading through other posts, this morning.

    It's horrifying to realize how similar our stories are, how selfish and self-serving and manipulative our difficult children are.

    I had just posted something about Lon Chaney and those old werewolf movies. Comparing difficult child to the dying, but recovering-from-being-a-werewolf Lon Chaney. This morning, I am thinking that is very unhealthy imagery. I need to remember it's the driver I'm in interaction with. I need to get clearer on how brilliantly difficult child manipulates me; I need to remember how coldly she changes persona, how brilliantly she has used each and every (and any) one of us who loves her.

    difficult child's driver is in control. And whether I name it bi-polar or addiction or Lon Chaney, I owe the driver NOTHING.

    It is the driver who took, who destroyed, and who has possession of, my child.

    The driver is chillingly manipulative. If I ever see my daughter again, it will be after detox, treatment, and aftercare.

    And I may not see her, even then.

    Very, very important to remember that.

  2. Dixies_fire

    Dixies_fire Member

  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Good morning Barbara. Geez, I am so, so sorry for what you are having to recognize in your daughter.........sigh........ I do understand. As far as we are concerned, you're right, it doesn't matter if our kids are involved in substance abuse or they are mentally ill, or whatever it is they are dealing with, we, as parents, suffer the same horrific responses to their choices and their lives.

    One of the most difficult things I've had to deal with, is telling myself the truth about my daughter, she is NOT who I thought she was, nor is she who she says she is. My therapist calls it a FOG, the place we as parents go so we don't see the truth of who they've become or who they are. It is very, very powerful. Lifting it so we can see the truth is such a challenge and it is continuous because our hope is so strong that they recover from whatever forces hold them hostage, that it's just much simpler and much less painful to NOT see. Seeing the truth means we have to feel the pain of the loss of who we thought they were. To think that they are like Lon Chaney, or some victim of their disease or illness or drug abuse gives them a pass on their behavior, as if that excuses them. It doesn't. We must stop making excuses for their behavior, they are choosing it. They have become people we likely wouldn't associate with if they were not our children. How horrible is that?

    I have had to systematically, over time, reduce my involvement and connection with my daughter until I rarely see her and now rarely speak to her. Each step of the way has proven to be a WILD struggle for me to let go of that little piece which is left of our relationship. Each step along the way, I cry and mourn the loss. I think it has to be gradual like that, I can't imagine just one day throwing them overboard, it happens in tiny increments over time as you realize she is not who you think she is, she is not the daughter you remember.................

    You're in that process Barbara, God bless you, a place which took me to the edge many times. But, as we all come to find out, seeing the truth, seeing what is real is what finally unhooks us from our pretend world and delivers us to reality, perhaps harsh and somewhat cold, but our eyes are opened, we see the truth and oddly it is liberating. It's no easy ride, that's for sure, but as you see more and more of the truth of the situation, you are more free, more calm, more resolved and more okay.

    When our difficult child's are 19 or 22 or still young, there is more time to give them chances, to help them develop and grow and hopefully heal, but as they get older, it becomes more and more difficult to not see the truth of who they are and the absolute powerlessness we feel , although excruciating, becomes obvious (even to us) and we either let go or we don't. Holding on, trying to continually fix them and help them will ultimately ruin our lives too. What a terrible dilemma for us parents to have to confront.

    I feel for you Barbara, I do, opening your eyes to who your daughter is, is a shock to our mother's hearts. But, that very same opening is what will ultimately free you from the clutches of delusion. You're doing a very good job of seeing through the fog, hang in there, it really does get easier.......................many, many gentle hugs coming your way right now............
  4. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    Right there with you Barbara!!! It sucks and it hurts to the very core of our being. I honestly can't believe that this selfish, manipulative, immature almost middle aged man is my son.

    It really ticks me off that he is so self centered to cut ties with all of his family. Whether it is mental illness, drugs, or both his last conn and constant requests for money made me realize he may be this way forever. The relationship with the girl friend from h*** hasn't helped either.

    We have to be strong and get self centered too! I may never see my son again, but I can't stay in the same relationship. One thing his NC has brought is a chance to step back, take off the rose colored glasses, and understand that nothing I do is going to make him change.
    (((huggs and blessings for us all)))