difficult child showed up at 9:45....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearthope, Jan 25, 2007.

  1. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    As we were heading out the door, he pulls up with girlfriend to change clothes.
    She leaves and he rides with us.

    The judge was very stern and suggested he sell the earrings he was wearing to help pay back the family :smile:
    He has to pay back 15,789.00. His first payment is due on Feb. 9. He was ordered to pay 75.00 a week thereafter. He he fails to pay he will be sent to jail.
    We got off very lucky, the judge said it was his responsibilty to pay it back not mine.
    Well we rode home in silence. I was debating on what to say to him. I was actually willing to say as long as your working you can stay at home free.
    We got home, sat down to talk, and it went from bad to worse.
    He said he has no transportation, I asked him whose fault that was? (we have given three vehicles to him,2 wrecked and 1 misused beyond repair)
    He started in about easy child's car~which is so off limits.
    He got angry when I didn't give in. The first cuss words to me were met with "You will respect me in my house" He said no one respected him. I asked him what respectable action have you taken in the last month? He replied "f##K you"
    I said I would not be talked to like that and he said"F##k you" again.
    I told him to get his things and get out. I again was told f##k you. I said I would call the police to have him removed if he said it again.
    I said take everything you want cause the rest will be sent off.
    His girlfriend showed up and they drove away. She was driving a van so if it was something else he wanted to take they could have gotten it.
    I am debating on what to do with the remaining things, clothes, weightbench,etc.

    I am just numb.
     
  2. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Okay..... some one shed some light...Please....

    His room, what do I do with his stuff? Will I regret it later if I find another home for it all?

    When he has been gone in the past, I have wanted to do something with his room. It is a shrine of his past football days. Awards, trophies, team pictures.
    When this all started both a long time ago, I wouldn't let anyone enter his room.

    One of the last times we were going to make it "work" I spent nearly 400 dollars on paint and new furnishings. I let him pick it all out. He was here for about 5 days after that, then he disappeared again.
    After that, I let easy child get out of his room what ever she could use. Then this last time he came home from rehab, I had easy child put all his things back. To start over again.

    I am ready to take it all away. Maybe keep trophies and keepsake and put them up in the attic.

    Anyone have advice?
     
  3. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I'm sorry it went from bad to worse, HH.

    Did you mean what you said to difficult child? If he will not be returning to your home you can always get those fancy black garbage bags and start packing his stuff. Tell difficult child he has X number of days (a reasonable amount of time) to pick up the bags or they will be donated to Goodwill.

    Then you can go to Home Depot and pick out paint chips for your new guest room. :biggrin:

    /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/919Mad.gifARRRGGGHHH!!! /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/919Mad.gif Once the numbness wears off, I'm sure you will feel hurt. I'm so sorry.

    Hugs,
    Suz
     
  4. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I was typing as you were writing your second post. I guess my advice is the same. I can understand packing up sentimental keepsakes and storing them in the attic for YOU, not him. Pack up the rest in the garbage bags as I suggested before.

    When Rob left I filled 16 of those huge bags of just trash alone. :smile:

    Suz
     
  5. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Suz~ did you do it as soon as he left?
     
  6. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I'm glad for your sake he showed up at court. I'm also glad you threw him out when he treated you that way. How dare he after everything you have done for him, talk to you that way????

    I'll never forget the day I kicked difficult child out when I discovered the checks he had stolen from my checkbook and cashed. It seems like yesterday and I remember how totally devestated I was. I am proof that it will get easier. He took his clothes first, then came back another day to take anything else he needed. I left his room as is for quite awhile because when I threw him out it was while he was waiting to get into the state rehab the court was sending him too and I wasn't sure if he would ever be coming home. I realized while he was in rehab that he couldn't come home and needed to move to a soberhouse. Once I knew he wasn't coming home I cleaned out the furniture and it's been empty since. We are going to soon turn it into an office.

    Don't turn back on this decision. He obviously isn't ready to do what it takes to turn his life around and needs to hit bottom. It's obvious he isn't at that point yet. You can't live like that.

    Set up a time for him to come get whatever else you are willing to let him take, then pack the rest up that you want and get rid of anything else.

    I'm sorry you are going through this as I have been there done that and know how difficult it is. It will get easier.
     
  7. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Thanks Karen. I know that not I nor husband or easy child can live under the same roof as difficult child.
    I hesitate to say that he will never change. I am not willing to not have hope in his future.
    I am ready to not provide the two days of sleep he has gotten from here. In the past mth he has showed up 4 times. He would sleep the whole almost two days, eat, wash clothes and leave again.
    I feel like I am contributing to his ways by allowing this. I know he HAS to hit rock bottom to ever get any help for himself.


    We have had LOTS of issues, his probation started at age 14 when he assaulted me. I have zero tolerence of drug use. I also at this point have zero tolerence of being talked to like he was talking to me.

    When the po gave him his next court appearance paper she did something she has never done before~~ She gave it to him. not me, him.
    He has to face the conquences of his actions and I can no longer make it easy on him.

    Gosh I'm grateful to have this board.
    Just got done FEEDING my emotions. I haven't had carbs since the new year, just had a whole plate of pasta. But that is it. I am working through my feelings in my post. Thank you guys for your insight
     
  8. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    HH, my situation was quite different because Rob was arrested and sent to Detention, then Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for a year, then a group home for a year. We knew when he was arrested that he wouldn't live back home - EVER. (very long story)

    I don't know what time frame I would suggest for you- others will have to weigh in on that. For me, I was so overwrought with rage, sadness, betrayal that it was therapeutic for me to dismantle his room. I was basically a woman possessed during that time. A crazy woman. I raged and cried like you would not believe. My husband stayed away from the room while I was doing this and let me grieve.

    I must say that when I was done his room was spare and pristine and made a very nice guest room. He would stay in there when he had home passes from Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and GH but he never moved home again.When he left the GH we gave him all of that furniture (plus a ton of other stuff) to get him started. None of it is left now- either destroyed, left somewhere, stolen, or lost. :frown:

    Suz
     
  9. kris

    kris New Member

    <font color="purple">it's been a rough day, hasn't it?

    i agree with-suz. give him a week ~~~ i wouldn't give him more ~~~ to come & get whatever else he wants. after that i would take all the remaining stuff to the hospital thrift shop or the salvation army or wherever. let someone who has needs benefit from this.

    pasta's a good thing lol.

    kris </font>
     
  10. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I would send word that he had X # of days to collect his belongings and then pack up things that he will want one day---call an orginzation and donate the rest. It is his life. You have done everything you can do. Until he is ready to change, nothing you do will make a difference. When difficult child was at his worst---before he left in Dec., I told him either he would find a program or I would take him to a homeless selter with the clothes on his back and leave him there. We told him until he was ready to change, we could no longer support his choices, and therefore he was not to communicate with us or any other family member. We told the family members who continued to enable him that we would have to limit our contact with them if they continued to help him destroy his life. I was not angry or sad. I was just straight forward. He knew I was serious. He found a program. He is working on changing. But, I had to change my reaction to him before he could change.
     
  11. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Suz~ I know in my heart he will never again live here. I wanted to go in his room and rage, but then that little mommy heart started grieving and wondering if I was reacting too soon.
    Katmom, hopefully something can change with him now. I stopped being the rug under his feet, but always got sucked back in when he entered some kind of treatment.


    My words were "Take what you want with you, the rest will be hauled off"
    he left in a van capable of transporting everything he wanted.

    I feel if I contact him, he will take that as a weakness. I still get sucked into the guilt trap sometimes.

    I want him to know I mean it and he is not coming back.
     
  12. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    HH, don't make any decisions today. You are both in a state. I'm only referring to what to do with his stuff. You don't have to decide that today.

    Eat some more pasta, have a glass of wine, do whatever you need to take a deep breath. If you want to be active now, get the trash out. I can't tell you how terrific that alone felt. If you get rid of other stuff it will be irretrievable later. You can decide tomorrow...or the next day about that.

    HUGS.
    Suz
     
  13. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    I agree with Suz, pack up his stuff. Just leave it in the bags for awhile. It isn't going to hurt to wait until you are less emotional. I wouldn't call either.
    Hugs.
     
  14. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Good advice Suz. Nothing will happen if I don't decide until tomorrow.
    Thanks.

    No more pasta, but maybe tylenol pm to ensure a good night's sleep.
     
  15. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Fran you snuck in while I was typing. I am not going to call him. I can find no good that would come from me calling.
    Thank you for your support. It means so much at times like these.
     
  16. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    First, I am so sorry that this happened. It breaks my heart, and I know that it broke yours. He was hateful, and I can't blame you for wanting to get rid of his things. No way would I let him stay at my house.

    When M was totally out of control, beat up a kid from school, got kicked out of school, beat up his dad, etc., I threw all his stuff on the lawn. That didn't work out so well, because then I was the awful mom that threw all his things out. In hindsight, I would put his stuff in storage and pay for whatever the minimum contract is. I'd let him know it was going, and give him the key/combination. At the end of the contract I'd empty and take it to the Goodwill.

    Just to add after having read the others' posts, yes, sort out the garbage. And wait until tomorrow. It will be a great way to work off that pasta!

    :smile:
     
  17. gottaloveem

    gottaloveem Active Member

    Asking him to leave after he shot off his mouth was the right thing to do.

    If he only shows up 4 times per month I wouldn't worry about where he is going to stay, he obviously is creative in that way.

    I agree it is time he leaves the nest. He obviously has learned nothing. He is disrespectful, and is making your home a stressful place. You need to think of you and husband and your easy child.

    I agree with the others that you can just put his stuff in bags for now. No need to go any further at this point.

    I wouldn't rule out current drug use. His attitude makes me think he is using something. JMHO

    I am so sorry your heart is hurting. I know how difficult this all is.

    Sending healing hugs for you in hopes that they may help.

    ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))
     
  18. judi

    judi Active Member

    When our son left in July, I cleaned out his room one month later, threw out junk, packed the rest up in bags and put it in the basement. I did not tell him what I did because he chose to leave. He just now (this week) picked up the last of it. I have transformed his room into his son's room! Poetic justice!

    I am sorry that you are having to go through this - it isn't fun. However, my house is peaceful now. No more being sworn at, no more chaos, no more feeling that I must walk on eggshells in my own home.


    Its nice having quiet!!!
     
  19. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    [ QUOTE ]
    Its nice having quiet!!!


    [/ QUOTE ]

    Amen, Judi!

    I will never live in that chaos again. Never.

    Suz
     
  20. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    [ QUOTE ]

    I will never live in that chaos again. Never.


    [/ QUOTE ]

    Ditto!

    ~Kathy
     
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