difficult child spent his first night in Juvenille Detention...I had to call 911

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by seekingsanity4, Apr 10, 2011.

  1. Wow. Well this week has just sucked. difficult child 1 is in 7th grade, attending a part day alternative school and had been doing pretty good. Well, he now has a new "friend" at school and it is wreaking havoc on my life!!!

    There have been many times, many meltdowns and tantrums where I have been unable to determine if it is Mental Health or Behavioral. This past week, I saw the very clear behavioral picture. difficult child wanted to stay the night at his new friends house...ON A SCHOOL NIGHT! Big no-go in our house, so I say "no". He starts texting his pleadings, I keep saying "no". I go to pick him up at our agreed pick-up time and he refuses to come out of the house. So, I'm sitting in the car and I know what's coming...I feel it in my stomach. After texting him that my next stop would be the Sherrif's office, he finally comes out of the house and he is ANGRY. We drive home and he refuses to get out of the car so I think to myself, that's fine, but when I walk away he starts beating and kicking the dashboard...so I go to his door and manage to get it open and order him out of the car. He gets out and runs.

    For the hour that he is gone, I know I have to be proactive...I called the local mental health crisis line and get advice (he's run before) so they tell me to call the police and report him missing to establish his habits of running. I ask lots of questions about what I should be doing, etc, etc... An hour later he comes back...but he is not done being mad! Within about 30 minutes of him stewing and brewing, he starts trashing my house. I mean EVERYTHING trashed! I call 911. I swear, it took them freakng forever to get to my place, or at least it seemed that way. I spent the time protecting myself and the other 2 children, and by the time the police got to my house, it looked like a hurricane had hit it. There was not one thing left unturned or thrown. So, they handcuffed him and off they went.

    I cried, and cleaned and cuddled my other 2, and then had to go all the way down to the detention center to deliver his medications which did not make me happy. So they keep him just one night because it's his first incident but he'll be forced to do mandatory anger management and therapy. Can I just say, that probation officer better call with our appointment soon because he is making me crazy!!! No joke, within a couple of hours of being home, he starts asking about going back to the friends house!!! Really?? UGH!! And it's been every day since, that's all he talks about, all he wants..tonight he almost blew again but managed to avoid it just barely...all over this "friend"!

    I'm in for a long week :( and I'm guessing many of you will tell me this is only the beginning.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    For the short term (this is not a long term solution, but may give some peace) can you talk to this friend's mother? Maybe she can outright tell your son that shes does NOT allow sleepovers during the week. That way he can't badger you about it since he wouldn't be allowed to go anyway.
  3. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    I would advise you to call the PO-don't wait. I'm sure they are over their heads in cases. Be a squeeky wheel. I like the idea of calling the other mom.
  4. ML

    ML Guest

    I like MWM's idea. What a week! My son is just a year behind yours in school with similar diagnosis. I am fortunate this his anger and meltdowns are relatively minor and short lived. You must be so exhausted. I hope this is a much better week.
  5. Thanks everyone. I did speak to his friends mother and we explained the rules to both kids together...but my difficult child is really pushing now and his behaviors are escalating significantly lately. I told friend's mom that I will say "no" until he realizes who is in charge..and that may be a very long time!! I did think about calling the PO myself...I think I'll do that today!
  6. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Yes, be that squeaky wheel.
    And in the meantime - HUGS... Been there, it sucks! Stay strong.
  7. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sending gentle hugs your way; definitely sounds like a horrible evening.
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I think you need help. (Oh really Star- duh?) yup. You have a family in crisis, and a son on the very edge of going one way or the other here so do you want to help him or do you want to just see what happens? You have a good start with anger management classes - follow it up with additional therapy for YOU and for HIM. Both separate and TOGETHER. Yes - Once for him, one for you and one for BOTH of you as a family. THREE times a week if you can get it. How long? Until you see results - years. You have no idea why he is so angry, it's going to take a long time to get to the bottom of it - and you are going to need the help of a professional to help you both sort it out and WORK on your problems.

    Currently? You are fighting upstream without any assistance and dragging 2 other kids with you through this. Either they are going to be damaged from this too, or be like him. Imagine a house with two more like him and ask yourself in two more years how that will be. Then ask yourself if therapy that many times a week now is worth it. No, I'm not being sarcastic a bit. Medications only help our kids help themselves work through things - and no he isn't going to enjoy going (more than likely) and he isn't going to seem to be getting a "ton" out of it - but YOU will and you are establishing a pattern of THIS IS WHAT WE DO and it's OKAY TO TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS.

    Anger therapy/management will help him gain tools eventually to learn HOW to walk away or how to not engage in bickering - how to cope. It won't work if there is still a parent in the house that is not being pro active in the same type of anger management and has to be authoritarian. I can tell you that for sure. I was a lot like that. I wanted it my way, I wanted it now, I didn't think it had to be that way all the time - but I had that "I'm the parent, I'm the Mom that's why attitude, and it does NOT work with difficult child's...so no matter HOW much my son got in anger management I still rubbed him the wrong way."

    That's when I started taking a course in effective communication and I believe EVERY single parent should take this course, and revisit it, and learn how to say what you mean, but in a way that a child can understand and want to communicate with you. It's incredible. I didn't even know I could say something that was a back handed compliment, and engage him in battle. I recommend a book in the mean time called "How to talk to your kid so he will listen and how to Listen so he will talk." it is incredible. Skim it - and start doing the work. You know all those commercials where the guy says I guarantee you will be start talking to your child and see results? this is all that is. Learning how to communicate effectively. Sounds crazy but most people do not know how to talk to their kids - OUR kids without pushing buttons. We THINK we're saying the right thigns and we are not. Nuts huh?

    Once I read this book and put it to use? It was like night and day - just talking was better. It's not a miracle or anything but talking to my kid was way better. Getting him to listen to me was WAY easier. Non-confrontational lots better.

    I'm sending you hugs because I've been there.

    I'd also put things up that you value - and take away things like scissors, and knives - anything sharp. Lock up valuables 0r anything you cherish. If he thinks you care about it? he will ruin it - he'll feel sorry later, but he'll use it now to hurt. Stuff like that I still have boxed up lol and mines been out of the house for years. I'm sure moving day will be like - OH I forgot all about it.

    And don't threatin - keep up the good work - YOu did do right you know. It does hoover - but you can't begin to know the message you've sent and how valuable it is. Doesn't seem like it when you get ZIPOLA for backing from the law - (nice huh) thanks for nuttin......then all of a sudden they want to crucify him for taking a pencil from the school cafeterial.....amazing. (said under breath) idiots.

    Hugs & love
  9. toshiba54

    toshiba54 New Member

    YOur son sounds very much like mine. Although my ds is way further on the path. He's been in juvenile detention several times, been in Residential Treatment Center (RTC). I've found you don't realy have a chance. the system sides with the kid if its to their benefit---don't forget, its all about the money.

    the other poster's advice about running to counseling 3x/week simply isn't practical. counselors don't work for free, and insurance benefits are limited. And no, there isn't free counseling available at county mental health clinics. those who say so are expecting you to live in their dream world. At best, those 'free" clinics have extremely limited services, like 1-2 visits, and are usually worthless. Frankly, I've found counseling to make the situation worse, it empowers the kid and diminishes the parent as an authority figure.

    There is no solution, just sidestep things as best you can and try to keep the system out of your face. I would NOT call the PO. Believe me, they don't like that. I've tried calling my son's PO, got conflicting advice, then she denied she'd ever said such things, then claimed in court I was "calling her too much". Just what do you expect to get out of her, anyways? The only thing you want from her is to stamp your paperwork probation served. She can't decrease the probation, no lessen the terms and condiitons. But she CAN recommend to increase the probation, and make the terms more severe. believe me, they can't make the situation any better, but can make it mucn worse. They are best left alone!
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending supportive hugs your way. DDD
  11. Update: So yesterday, difficult child refused to get up for school and I knew we were going to the ugly place again. Sure enough he started thrashing and trashing but this time it was different and not as bad. He was screaming "help me, I need help" and sounded like a Pteradactyl if you can imagine that. So, this is where the inner conflict always comes up...decifering whether it's mental health or behavioral. Last Weds was definitely behavioral, yesterday was clearly Mental Health. So I got him to the hospital ER in hopes they could help and while they didn't do much for us, it gave him a chance to cool down and also to see that I was not going to let him destroy the house and fall apart without seeking help. The social worker at the ER told him that if they see him back for the same reason, they will admit him immediately, no questions asked. So, in a small way, that is help. He knows I'm sticking to my guns and I have a little back up.

    We have an appointment with a psychiatrist on the 19th....I'm praying we'll make it for another week without another huge meltdown.

    @Star: believe me when I tell you, I gave up on the "I'm the mom and because I said so" a long, long time ago. I adjust for each child to accomodate their specific needs and most of the time we are doing okay. This week, not so much...but I'm determined to get through it. Counseling 3x a week would be super but it is not realistic.
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    .....The social worker said - if they see him back for the same reason they will admit him immediately without any question.
    (He heard this right) and now he 'knows' and you feel you have back up.

    Explain this, so I don't misunderstand because to me it sounds like you are using the ER staff as a sort of intimidation for your son. If this is the case? Then this is not mental health - it is behavioral. Which is good in the fact that therapy long term would be what is needed. I realize that three times a week isn't realistic, it wasn't for us either, but we made it work. The look on my face when it was told to us was -well I can't even make that face in words. The conversation was simple. Your son has psychopathic tendencies, either you do the work now and save him; or you don't. When it gets put to you like that? When his biofather is a psycho/sociopath and Bi-polar, drug addict, alcoholic, abuses women, animals and you think - either that or some hope? My choices weren't hard to make. (I should have explained that and didn't - my apologies) I just really beleive it getting kids in therapy especially when they have been exposed to any kind of trauma from birth to 4 years including divorce, moving, separation, house fires, abuse, huricanes, tornados, floods, etc. All of which my son was exposed to and more. Our life was ridiculous.

    I'm not sure what your son has been if any, but I do know that therapy - any kind of therapy helps. Also the fact that a couple days in a row he's gone off the deep end and then he hears the lady at the ER say - he'll be admitted and now you're getting some peace? Makes me wonder. Not saying it's a solid, but just wondering if he didn't feel intimidated enough by her to think and hear "I don't maintain - I get taken from Mom." It's interesting if nothing else.' If that's what it is? He has a good beginning in working for behavior therapy.

    Hugs - it's been a very rough week for you and him both.
  13. Whether or not he believes or understands the "back up" is totally in question. I was simply relaying what had happened at the ER and that I felt that I had some kind of back up in case of another breakdown/meltdown whatever you want to call it. After all, isn't that what I took him there for?....some kind of help...some kind of plan....some kind of something. I live in a "Child Rights" state...which means at age 13, Mom cannot force child to attend therapy/take medications or anything else. So, now that he has gotten in some trouble, I have "back up"..meaning the courts/PO CAN and WILL make him attend therapy and order him to take medications as prescribed, etc...so that's my silver lining in all of the happenings of the week.