difficult child starts this morning . . . new worries

[Kathy813]

As as excited as I am that difficult child got the job, I have new worries about her recovery. Up to now, she has been in a somewhat sheltered environment where she is expected to be sober. Out in the real world, people will not understand why she says that she doesn't drink or abuse other substances.

Not to offend any hair dressers on the board, but it seems that the beauty industry doesn't attract the most stable people. Many of the girls in difficult child's class at cosmetology school were substance abusers.

So how does she explain that she doesn't drink if she goes out with the other employees? I don't think she should share that she is in recovery at this point. Should she just turn down any invitations to go out for social occasions?

One plus is that the owner told her that she needs to keep a distance between her and the stylists since she is doing the scheduling and doesn't want to appear as favoring one stylist over an other. I told her to be friendly but not become bff's with anyone.

So how does she handle this? Any advice?

~Kathy

 

[buddy]

I wonder if she really has to say anything??? I dont live that situation so wont presume to know the complications that come from it. Just will share that I dont drink and it is not because I am in recovery. I just dont. But I joined in parties in high school, college and work parties and if anyone asked I simply would say no thank you. Only a couple of times have people tried to encourage me and I just say, no I dont care for it, thanks. (makes me really sick so even when I do like certain drinks, it is not worth how sick I get)

It is really no one's business and not one person has ever asked me if I am in recovery etc. I have thought a number of times I bet people assume I am but I dont really care. I have lots of people in my life who are and I respect them for that so it is ok with me.

 

[Calamity Jane]

I'm not sure what her counselor says, but I would certainly rely on their advice. I don't even think she should put herself in surroundings where people are drinking, even socially, right now, as it is too much of a temptation. As she becomes more situated in recovery, then I think she can socialize, but just have soda, etc. We have a close family member who is an alcoholic (in recovery for about 20 yrs. now) and he attends weddings, etc. and is fine, but for a long while he didn't socialize where alcohol would be served. In a business environment, it's almost expected, though.
But first things first. Let her start the job, know the ropes, and take things one day at a time. She's made some very good decisions lately, you have to admit, and good decisions piled one atop the other will give her a strong foundation. Best of luck and success to her.

 

[gottaloveem]

Wishing your daughter the best of luck as she starts her new job.

Love,
Lia

 

[Nancy]

Kathy it really does seem as though are difficult child's are living parallel lives and we have the same worries. I was terrified when difficult child started working. You're right, we spend all this time worrying about them getting a job and then when they get it there are new worries. FWIW we told difficult child not to talk about her living arrangements or recovery at work and not to put anything on facebook that would out her. We advised her not to make friends on fb with any of the people she worked with for the time being. She was on probation for 90 days and it was important that she didn't give them any reason to fire her.

It's hard, we are talking about young people who want to feel like they fit in and especially for your difficult child who feels she doesn't fit with the people she is living in the sober house with. She will want to fit in at work. My advice is to tell her to tread softly. I think what the owneer told her baout not becoming too friendly with the stylists is good. compare it to how you operate at school, that you are a teacher and while you can be friendly with your students you would never discuss anything private with them. Also caution her on not telling the bosses anything about her orivate life. As you know my difficult child learned that the hard way when she told them at her old job that she was pregnant. She said they were all encouraging to her, and then she was fired the next week.

I worry constantly about difficult child in the non sober world. It use to be I was worried about her getting invoilved with a guy who was in the program for obvious reasons. It is now the opposite and I am worried about her becoming involved with a guy who drinks. It's unrealistic to expect your or my difficult child to turn down alcohol or drugs if they are in the environment. Drinking is a bit harder because it is everywhere, hopefully she can stay away from drugs.

I think all we can do is keep encouraging them and reminding them that their job is the most important thing they have to work for right now, besides sobriety I mean. It is her road to finncial independence. It will be hard but she can do it if she does the next right thing, one thing at a time.

Tell us about her first day on the job later.

Nancy

 

[DDD]

Sigh. I don't think it is going to easy for her. Even mature sober women have to walk a fine line between being too friendly and too "standoffish" when they join a new workforce. In the salon environment people talk about darn near everything private...patrons and employees. Yikes!

Lunch shouldn't be a big problem, I hope. I'd guess it would be "we're going out for a drink after work would you like to join us?" Possible responses? "Thanks but my schedule is kinda crazy and I almost always have to head straight home." I thought thru "I have to study" "I'm committed to a project after work each day" etc. but I'm sure they would then respond with "oh, what are you studying? or what is your project?" Can't think of any response that would not lead to questions and, of course, she won't want to lie. Maybe (good grief, lol) "I have to help my family out afterwork". How's that for far out?? Possible they will just sit around wondering what problems her parents have and let it go????? Fingers crossed. DDD

 

[Tiredof33]

Congrats on the new job!
As a smoker that was trying to quit she needs to stay away from any environment that will be tempting. It's no ones business, but people are nosy and they will probably ask questions.
Someone that doesn't have a drinking problem doesn't undertand, 'no I can't have just one drink'.
Also, all of the areas of my difficult child's work has high drug use. I'm beginning to think they all do, I worked in an office and a medium level older man was fired for drugs!

 

[exhausted]

This is so great! And yes, the real world is scary for us moms. Is she worried? Does she have ideas about how to handle this. Usually this is part of their recovery training. The good stuff is she will have less time to get into trouble, earn her own money, and have a chance to try her sober skills where they count. Yep-she is in a wolves pack and she will have to be committed. I would let her know you care and that you know she can do it. As for smoing, it isnt illegal and if she does it outside away from business on breaks or lunch it is noones business! I'm hoping for the best. And praying she will do things that make you proud.

 

[Nancy]

I have been thinking about this Kathy and how best to support my difficult child when she is around non-sober people. I think we have to make it more acceptable in our society for people to not drink at social events and make it ok. I think a lot of peopel are afraid to say they don't drink when they are out with others for fear of being ridiculed. I respect so much the people I know who politely turn down drinks and are confident in themselves so that no one is uncomfortable.

Nancy

 

[Kathy813]

difficult child is not trying to quit smoking. I don't know if they know that she smokes. I guess she will have to figure that one out for herself.

buddy, it's funny that you said that. I am one of those people that don't drink socially (well . . . a pina colada on a cruise once a year) . I just really don't like the taste of most alcohol and it is not worth the calories to me. I would much rather drink a diet coke. So I usually make a joke about being the dull one in the group and ask for a diet coke when we are out socially.

It never occurred to me that anyone would think that I am in recovery. I wonder if anyone ever wondered why I don't drink. I just figured it was my option to drink or not and never gave it a second thought.

~Kathy

 

[buddy]

difficult child is not trying to quit smoking. I don't know if they know that she smokes. I guess she will have to figure that one out for herself.

buddy, it's funny that you said that. I am one of those people that don't drink socially (well . . . a pina colada on a cruise once a year) . I just really don't like the taste of most alcohol and it is not worth the calories to me. I would much rather drink a diet coke. So I usually make a joke about being the dull one in the group and ask for a diet coke when we are out socially.

It never occurred to me that anyone would think that I am in recovery. I wonder if anyone ever wondered why I don't drink. I just figured it was my option to drink or not and never gave it a second thought.

~Kathy

yeah, I hear you. And I again, have no idea what it is to walk in those shoes, but I would think that part would be less the issue than as others mentioned, her even being around it at all (I thought you might be referring more to invites while still at work, and after watching some of the salon take over shows, maybe for some drinking AT work is an issue? if they offer to clients etc.)

 

[DDD]

I'm watching the clock, lol, and hoping the first day went well. Hugs DDD

 

[rejectedmom]

Honestly in my humble opinion she shouldn't be going out to bars at this point in her recovery. But if going to dinner where some might order a drink she could just say "nah, I don't want one thanks". If she must go to bars andl if she doesn't mind fibbing a little she coud drink coke with a lime and pass it off as a rum and coke? Or she could volunteer as the diesignated driver (many bars give you your soda for free if you do) or maybe say she has to drive and has signed a contract to never drink and drive? Or maybe just say she has a medical condition that prevents her from processing the alcohol properly? Hopefully she will just not go to the bars and parties at all. Really at 26 years of age that scene should be winding down anyway. As a mom of a substance abuser in recovery and another one who never quite got there, I do know the worry. I too am guilty of it but we must learn to just give them the power to own their adictions recovery and find their own solutions. Yes easier said than done.

 

[DammitJanet]

I was supposed to have my every two or three year drink the year we all went to Cleveland but Nancy and the others forgot to remind me...lol. It was a huge joke among us all that I was going to actually have a drink but then I guess I just simply forgot! I will wait for the next one.

Billy never drank anything at all until he went to his HS reunion and then we told him that he would be around people who drank or didnt and gave him a ton of options on how to handle this. He did try a Corona and a sip of one of his friends mixed drinks. After that he learned that he could just order ginger ale and people assumed he was drinking. Now at home everyone knows he doesnt drink. All his friends ask him to go out with them so he will be the designated driver. I doubt anyone thinks he is in recovery, I think they know he is just straight laced.

 

[buddy]

volunteer as the diesignated driver

OH YEAH, I totally forgot that... that was my main deal, people always knew I was fun anyway and I could drive...I got lots of free soda that way (really I wanted to say free pop but I always get teased for that)

 

[Kathy813]

I'm usually the designated driver, too.

I didn't think about saying she is on medications which means she can't drink. That actually would be true although it never stopped her in the past.

RM ~ you are right. This is her problem and I need to let her figure it out on her own. I needed a detachment reminder.

~Kathy

 

[rejectedmom]

yw

 

[AmericanGirl]

Kathy,

Your advice sounds appropriate even if she never had a SA issue. Hope all went well!

 

[Kathy813]

I'm watching the clock, lol, and hoping the first day went well. Hugs DDD

Me, too, DDD. She has no idea how many people are on here rooting for her to succeed.

~Kathy

 

[Nancy]

I'm waiting to hear too

Nancy