difficult child strikes again!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by JKF, Jul 24, 2014.

  1. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    My husband, easy child and I are away at the shore until tomorrow. We've been having a wonderful, relaxing time. So peaceful here. I could stay here forever. I just love the ocean air and atmosphere here so much.

    Even though we're away there's really no escaping difficult child's drama. He texted me yesterday that he's tired of living on the concrete floor at the train station. I texted back and said did you go get your BC so you can apply for services. He said it wont matter if he gets it or not bc he can't get an ID with a BC. That's total BS and I called him out on it. All he said after that is he hates his life. I didn't respond.

    Anyway, I didn't realize that difficult child had an old account that was still friends with me on FB. He makes new Facebook accounts like I change my underwear and there are so many I can't keep track. I thought I had defriended all of them but I apparently missed one. I happened to look at FB last night after dinner and he had posted all of this stuff for everyone on my page to see. I'm a horrible mother who lets her son be homeless, I'm an arrogant b**ch who will burn in hell, etc. All of my friends and family could see his posts. That was it. I erased the comments, blocked him, sent him a text telling him that I'm done and I've helped him more than anyone and all he does is lie and steal. I said if he wanted to keep blaming me that's fine but I want nothing to do with it. I then blocked his phone number so he can't text me or call me. I'm finally at the point where I want no contact. I'm so done and I actually truly feel ok about it.


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    Last edited: Jul 24, 2014
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Don't go on Facebook at all. Who is really going to take his posts seriously? Just you. People aren't stupid. Normal folks know what he is.

    I am reading another book on antisocial personality disorder and it talks about how adopted children have a much higher rate than the control group, partly because of heredity. There's a whole chapter on adoptees and twins...very interesting. I think you could have an antisocial here...I had one, but we had to make him leave as he got sexual with our younger kids.

    You did not do anything wrong other than try to give him a good life and love him and he couldn't love back because of the years before you had him. And there is nothing you can do now. He is a man. He should be able to find his own place to live and a job too. And, wow, the lying, the lying. I don't know for sure if he is antisocial, but antisocials lie like they breathe.If he always lied, before the drug abuse, assume he may have antisocial traits or Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and that you had nothing to do with either. Most antisocials drug abuse (I think I am learning TOO much!).

    Try to have a good day and maybe get off of FB yourself. I am considering it. There is no need to check up on him. You know how he's doing and what he's doing and he is using FB to bash and abuse you.

    Big hugs for your hurting mommy heart. Now try to do something very nice (and maybe naughty:) ) for yourself today :) You deserve it.
     
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  3. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Good for you, JKF.

    Your friends and family know his history. They know you have done all you could do, and then did a little more, and then did a lot more...

    What you said, about if he wants to he can continue to blame you, that's exactly right. Have nothing to do with it, because it has nothing to do with you. It is difficult child trying to avoid taking responsibility for his own life by any desperate measures he can come up with. The day you stop letting the blame land on you is the day things start to get better.

    I am so glad you are enjoying a splendid vacation on the shore! You richly deserve it!
     
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  4. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    I just love you MWM! I am sitting here smiling after reading your reply bc you are so very right! He has something seriously wrong with his wiring and I'm 99% sure it's a personality disorder.

    The more I realize that the more his words actually no longer hurt me. I'm used to his verbal abuse. That's what happens whenever he can't con me or whoever any longer. He gets abusive. Last night I finally chose to block all of that abuse. I don't want to see what he posts, I don't want to hear about it from friends or family and I don't want him to contact me anymore. I've done all I can do to help him and I believe this week away really helped me realize that I have my own life to live and I don't want to live it trying to help someone who refuses to be helped. I might as well continuously bang my head against a brick wall! No thanks!!

    So yes - I'm going to put him out of my mind and go fully enjoy our last day here. I am certainly going to do something nice and naughty as well!! Thanks again MWM! Xoxoxo


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  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    MWM what is the name of the book? It sounds interesting to me also. I don't really think my son is totally antisocial but he certainly has some of those traits including lying forever.




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  6. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Thank you Alba!!!! It's been a long road to get to this point but the more I detach the more free I feel. And it feels pretty damn good! I'm tired of living my life trying to save him. I have a lot of life yet to live (god willing!) and I'm not wasting it any more! It's time to get myself mentally and physically healthy and move on! I'm so ready!!!


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  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I love hearing this new you JKF, go grab your life and live it to the MAX with your husband and your easy child. Have fun at the shore and enjoy every, single moment. Every one. Have fun!
     
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  8. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    JKF, I feel the strength and purpose in your words. I am sorry that he's saying and doing the things he is, but that is on him.

    He will either change or he won't.

    Like you said, you have done and done and done and it's time for that to stop and take a complete break from him.

    And I think that regardless of what is wrong with someone, we can't deal with behavior like his. There is truly no way to deal with it, be around it, accept it, and have any kind of relationship. It is truly impossible.

    I understand the relief you are feeling right now. Enjoy the beach, enjoy the people around you, and keep just letting go.

    You're an encouragement to me!
     
  9. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you had to deal with that while on vacation. Good for you for deleting it and moving on. The best thing you can do is nothing. That will irritate him more than anything but it will give you peace. A peace you truly deserve.
     
  10. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    JKF, my son and girlie would posts fights on FB complete with very vulgar language, then difficult child got into a fight on FB with another difficult child cousin (the entire family and friends had to weigh in of course), then difficult child would post about no one ever loving him and can't sleep and I'm suicidal can someone talk me through it. Then he broke off contact with family and suddenly came back admitting to online porn, prostitutes, and having his beautiful girlfriend falsely arrested, it was girlie posting as him when they had a fight.

    Another drama event with a family married to a difficult child involving vulgar language, sex for drugs waking up in the neighbors bed, driving intoxicated with two preschoolers in the backseat. All posted on FB.

    I know that everyone sees them face value BUT it stirred up the gossip and all of the speculation of will he actually do it or not? (I did call the police and have him checked)

    I was sick and tired of it, fed up with everything and everyone, ready to tell meddling family members discussing what I had done wrong in raising him, YOU take him in if you can do better. He refused to get help and all he really wanted was a monthly check. He would rather sleep in the woods than go to a shelter.

    So I got off FB, and ignored difficult child. He went no contact with me, threatened suicide, and I was told that I needed to prepare myself that one day he actually may do it. Prepare myself for THAT, HOW??

    The distance from no contact helped me tremendously! I would never tell a parent to go no contact it is extremely painful, but his decision to stop talking to me gave me a chance to clear my head. He has started contacting me again, every now and then he drifts away for a few months. He asked me to join twitter and I said no thanks. He can call collect but he prefers emails.

    He got a job and moved to Denver, do ya think it had anything to do with the laws lol!!!! He says he is working, I'm not sure he is not homeless and panhandling.

    Girlie came after him with a knife and he called police and she was in detox for three months. She is now with him in Denver. I had to call police to stop her harassment, but it did stop.

    This is the life he wants and it's his to live, just don't ask me to donate the money to support it. It broke my heart, I had to mourn as in a death, it is in a sense. I now accept it as out of my hands and really don't discuss it with family or friends.

    There is certainly nothing wrong with taking a time out FOR YOU, in my case, difficult child finally understood I expected him to take responsibility for his life, he is an adult. There is no way I would ever go back to the relationship we had.

    (((blessings)))
     
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    Last edited: Jul 24, 2014
  11. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    JKF,

    there is a setting on facebook that you have to approve all posts on your wall regardless of who they are from. I use that, mostly because we had to get a restraining order against SO's ex (they were separated when we got together..she hated him, and said she liked to terrorize and threaten me because it upset him).

    Anyway, just in case he finds another loophole you might try that.

    Exactly. I am finally (I hope) there with you on this.

    Yup. YOu sound very healthy today. I'm sorry difficult child isn't also healthy...but it is on him. If you could have made him healthy he would be so by now...you never stopped trying.

    Hugs, and enjoy the ocean,

    Echo
     
  12. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Thank you guys so much. I feel so healthy today and I'm praying I can continue to do so when we get home. It's just been so nice to get away. This has been our best vacation in a few years. easy child has been a bit pouty - "bored" - but he's 13 so that's to be expected. We've pretty much just let it roll off of our shoulders bc it's typical teen behavior and not anything like difficult child behavior. My husband and I have been enjoying every moment and doing things like crabbing and walking the beach and just enjoying our time here together. Next year we're planning on going with very close family friends who have a child that is easy child's age so at least he'll have a bud here instead of his "boring" parents! lol

    As for difficult child I'm really going to make every effort continue to pull back. He's made it clear that unless I'm doing something for him that he doesn't need me or want me in his life. Typical of someone with a PD. Mwm - when I get back in going to PM you for some info on the books you've read regarding Auditory Processing Disorders (APD). I need to strengthen myself with knowledge and get rid of the guilt for good. No more guilt.


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  13. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    I think we would love to get to a final place with this. Make a "final" decision. I'm either going to.....or not. Black and white. Yes or no. In or out.

    And so okay, maybe that is an option.

    But i think it is more likely that because we are human, and they are human, and they are our children (no matter how old they are), we have to live this journey---this particular part of our journey---one day at a time.

    Maybe, for periods, we go no contact. Then we try something again, in hopes of a new start. Then we set new boundaries.

    Personally, I have been to a place where I just wanted and needed some clear lines in the sand. And I may need that again.

    But again, I think it is more likely that we, most of us, are in a boat, moving across a lake, with all of its swells and waves and calm periods, and it is really okay, even preferable, just to ride the water and make our navigation decisions one day at a time.

    It is okay to try something new, and after a while, conclude that it didn't work, or at least it didn't work the way we hoped it would.

    We can't know the future. We can't know what is in our difficult children' minds and hearts and when that rock bottom will happen and when that spiritual awakening will happen and who may come alongside them and for the first time, they really hear that there is a different way of living.

    We can't know.

    It is humbling to realize all of this. It is getting-down-on-my-knees-humbling to let the boat rock along, not knowing, living with uncertainty, trusting a higher power than myself, letting go, letting happen what will happen without my intervention, working for peace with it all.

    Right now, I am struggling a bit with difficult child's birthday coming up Sunday and our gathering for that. It's hard for me to be around him and not name the elephant in the room.

    I am going to follow my own advice (lol) and write down what I want to say. I'm sure there will be some unexpected curve balls, but I am going to make a plan and I know that will help me navigate the crazies inside my own head.

    Warm hugs to all of us, we warriors, who are trying and failing and picking ourselves up, time and time and time again, to move forward.

    Who would ever have thought, but here we are.
     
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