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difficult child switching physical aggression target from easy child to me?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 191133" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I'm wondering how much is really 'wrong' with difficult child, and how much is learned behaviour from observing husband and his way of interacting with you and with the world.</p><p></p><p>If difficult child could be at all aware of the blow-up between you and husband (and even though he was removed, there are ways for difficult child to pick up on this because your husband stayed mad at you over this for some time) then he (difficult child) could feel some degree of validation for expressing anger towards you. After all, he's only doing what his father does; and if his father is angry at you for calling authorities, then (in difficult child's mind) his father must be right and you have done a bad thing which you should be punished for.</p><p></p><p>It's not an easy lesson for a kid, especially a difficult child, to have to accept that his parents are not in agreement and that one of them might be very wrong. It is very unsettling, when kids (especially when younger) really feel a need to know that parents are the backbone of their existence, always right, always the standard by which the rest of the world must be compared. To have to learn that this is not the case, or that there is not accord - it's like suddenly discovering that your school flagpole is made of rubber and won't support the weight of the flag.</p><p></p><p>Linda, if your difficult child does also have some Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) traits, then this is going to be even more confusing for him. Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids (the high-functioning ones especially) tend to observe closely those around them who seem to be the rule-setters, and to try to follow their example. Not necessarily in any way we always accept - our kids are learning NOT "do as I say," but develop their own concept of "do as I do." </p><p>For example, a rule at difficult child 3's school was, "Do not hit other kids." difficult child 3 knew this and could recite it, but he SAW kids hitting other kids, especially hitting him, and realised that the words on a page were not REALLY the rules. He had to analyse his observations to determine what the true rule was. Maybe the rule was, "hitting is allowed." So difficult child 3 would hit other kids, especially when they hit him. Then he got into trouble and was made to repeat the school rule, "Do not hit other kids."</p><p>A smarter kid (socially) would quickly work out the 11th Commandment, "Thou shalt not get caught," but not difficult child 3. He soon 'learnt' that the rule was, "Hitting difficult child 3 is OK. difficult child 3 is not permitted to hit other kids, not even in retaliation. Never hit back. Just wait for them to stop hitting, then they will go away."</p><p></p><p>Linda, your difficult child is probably developing his own concept of your rules, which are being modified by his observations of his father's behaviour. Plus, he knows that he is a boy and wants to be like his father. So that is exactly what he is trying to do.</p><p></p><p>To understand this, you have to be able to empathise - to get into difficult child's head. I'm sure you can do this - but I don't think your husband can, from what you describe.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 191133, member: 1991"] I'm wondering how much is really 'wrong' with difficult child, and how much is learned behaviour from observing husband and his way of interacting with you and with the world. If difficult child could be at all aware of the blow-up between you and husband (and even though he was removed, there are ways for difficult child to pick up on this because your husband stayed mad at you over this for some time) then he (difficult child) could feel some degree of validation for expressing anger towards you. After all, he's only doing what his father does; and if his father is angry at you for calling authorities, then (in difficult child's mind) his father must be right and you have done a bad thing which you should be punished for. It's not an easy lesson for a kid, especially a difficult child, to have to accept that his parents are not in agreement and that one of them might be very wrong. It is very unsettling, when kids (especially when younger) really feel a need to know that parents are the backbone of their existence, always right, always the standard by which the rest of the world must be compared. To have to learn that this is not the case, or that there is not accord - it's like suddenly discovering that your school flagpole is made of rubber and won't support the weight of the flag. Linda, if your difficult child does also have some Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) traits, then this is going to be even more confusing for him. Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids (the high-functioning ones especially) tend to observe closely those around them who seem to be the rule-setters, and to try to follow their example. Not necessarily in any way we always accept - our kids are learning NOT "do as I say," but develop their own concept of "do as I do." For example, a rule at difficult child 3's school was, "Do not hit other kids." difficult child 3 knew this and could recite it, but he SAW kids hitting other kids, especially hitting him, and realised that the words on a page were not REALLY the rules. He had to analyse his observations to determine what the true rule was. Maybe the rule was, "hitting is allowed." So difficult child 3 would hit other kids, especially when they hit him. Then he got into trouble and was made to repeat the school rule, "Do not hit other kids." A smarter kid (socially) would quickly work out the 11th Commandment, "Thou shalt not get caught," but not difficult child 3. He soon 'learnt' that the rule was, "Hitting difficult child 3 is OK. difficult child 3 is not permitted to hit other kids, not even in retaliation. Never hit back. Just wait for them to stop hitting, then they will go away." Linda, your difficult child is probably developing his own concept of your rules, which are being modified by his observations of his father's behaviour. Plus, he knows that he is a boy and wants to be like his father. So that is exactly what he is trying to do. To understand this, you have to be able to empathise - to get into difficult child's head. I'm sure you can do this - but I don't think your husband can, from what you describe. Marg [/QUOTE]
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