difficult child talks back to teachers!

[JKF]

My god! I feel like it's one thing after another! So, my difficult child#2 has a serious problem with talking back to teachers. He ALWAYS has to have the last word and has an argument for everything! He can control it when he wants and only if he has serious motivation. He always controls it on Fridays because he wants to play his video games over the weekend. So that tells me right there that he does have the ability to control his actions.

Today he got sent to the principal for talking back to not one but two teachers! He argued with the aide the whole way there explaining why he didn't think he needed to go and that it was unfair and on and on and on.....an on! Ugggggggh! He has a behavioral therapist he works with in school but it does nothing. He just promised me that he'll be good tomorrow. He swears! Yeah...I think I've heard that once or twice before.

I'm so so so so tired of it. It doesn't HAVE to be like this! When he's good he gets rewarded and we all get to have a nice night and enjoy each other. Lately it's HELL. My poor husband, who works 16 hour days is to the point where he hates coming home because there's always drama. Don't get me wrong, he DOES come home, he just dreads it and you know what? I don't blame him one bit! I hate it too!!!!

Any advice or suggestions? We're moderately strict and always follow through on punishments so he knows there's no getting away with things here. I just don't know what else to do! NOTHING WORKS anymore!

 

[soapbox]

You can't fix a secondary problem, without fixing the primary problem.
And you can't fix the primary problem until you know what it is.

Just because he "can" hold it together if the reward is big enough, doesn't mean he actually "can" hold it together.

Lets see...
ADHD.
11... grade 4? 5? thereabouts, right?

He is likely ADHD plus other stuff.
And some of the other stuff is enough to drive anybody crazy.
And you will have NO idea what was actually going on, before he "talked back", but I'm guessing... the teacher thinks he has an attitude problem... when in fact, he has hidden, un-diagnosed disabilities.

Why? been there done that.

Yes he has an attitude.
WHY?
(School will NEVER ask that. SO you have to get to the bottom of it.)

There could be...
- LDs
- fine motor skills problems - even very subtle ones can sabotage writing, cutting, art, etc.
- auditory issues
- probably other stuff too but those are the ones I'm familiar with.

LDs - very high co-morbidity with ADHD.
Half the kids with ADHD have Developmental Coordination Disorder (DCD).
And 70% of the kids with ADHD and a Learning Disability (LD), have auditory processing problems of some sort...

AND... APDs look an awful lot like ADHD, in the classroom especially... while they can co-exist, the ADHD-type symptoms are NEVER flagged as a possible auditory problem.

So...
- Occupational Therapist (OT) evaluation for motor and sensory issues
- Speech Language Pathologist (SLP) evaluation for auditory processing - specifically ask about less commonly tested ones like auditory figure ground.

 

[BusynMember]

Hi, there. I'm so sorry you are having a hard time right now. I want to give you my perspective on the "he can control it" part.

Every person alive can control their behavior at times. The fact that he needs high motivation to control himself, however, suggests that it is real challenge to him. But back to "he can control it when he wants to."

Even rapists, serial killers, and schizophrenics do not always act out. ADHD, Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), bipolar kids and kids with Learning Disability (LD)'s and other disorders do not act out all the time. So, yes, at certain times they CAN control themselves...when things are calmer for them and they are feeling better or maybe doing the things they like or just because their body chemistry hits a stable point. Although they can control themselves some of the time or even most of the time, that does not mean that they can control themselves all of the time. When kids start to worsen, the first thing I like to look at is the medications. While they can work really well, they work equally as horrible. A medication change is often what happens right before behavior deteriorates, so that is worth looking at.

Being strict and always following through lets your child know they will be consistent and gives him stability...at least he knows what to expect from you. It does not guarantee that his behavior will change for the better though. The best thing to do in my opinion is to get a neuropsychologist evaluation, see what is wrong, and adjust things to his temperment. I notice his bio.l dad has serious problems and he carries 1/2 of his father's DNA.

Very few of our kids respond to traditional parenting methods. We really need to think outside of the box.

Have you read "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene? His book is not the entire answer, but for many of us it helped bring peace to our families.

 

[susiestar]

I found that Love and Logic books were a HUGE help with Wiz. They have books for parents and for teachers and the people who wrote the first books were teachers and then principals and really knew difficult kids. The methods stress using logical and natural consequences WHILE STRENGTHENING A LOVING BOND BETWEEN PARENT AND CHILD. That part gets left out of a LOT of methods, esp behavior mod ones. The teachers my kids have done the most work for were not always the nicest, but they were always the teachers they though CARED about them. You can check out the various books that L&L has at Love and Logic - Helping Parents and Teachers Raise Responsible Kids. It might be very helpful.