difficult child Thanksgiving

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by GuideMe, Nov 27, 2014.

  1. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Well difficult child called me last night (actually 1:30 am) to tell me she didn't want to go with my brother and his family to Thanksgiving dinner that they are having at their good friends house. Yesterday, that's what she said she wanted to do, and now she changed her mind. I didn't argue, I said fine since she asked if she could come here. It's typical difficult child and it's maddening. She never knows what she wants and never sticks to her decisions. She panics right away. Even though my brother is a major difficult child, he is good to her. He gave difficult child her own room and everything. I just don't know what her problems is. Is it the kids, do they really bother her that much? If so, gtf over it. Is she panicking because she doesn't want to be separated from me? Well, too bad, your 18 YEARS OLD, it has to happen some time. Does she feel out of place there? I really don't know. I kind of wish I said no, but how can I tell her no for Thanksgiving? I wonder how my brother is going to feel about this, I'm sure he will not be happy about it at all. My difficult child is going to tell him that she feels bad for me being alone on Thanksgiving. Trust me, I am perfectly fine with being alone on Thanksgiving, it doesn't even feel like the holidays to me at all. Not even a little bit. That's what trauma and unrelenting stress does to you. (not just from difficult child, but just my whole life in general) You just want to be left the frig alone for a while. Just like how she feels, I myself don't want to be bothered. I now know what I have to do, after this day, if my brother doesn't throw her out for ditching them on Thanksgiving (which I think he just might), I am putting my foot down. No guilt tripping me, no flip flopping. This is what I meant. It was too early for her to leave. Even though a month goes by in a split second, in difficult child world, that's all they need, not even that much.

    I will probably try to talk her into going, I doubt it will work. She knew to call me in my deep sleep.

    I don't need responses. I just needed to vent. I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Seriously, enjoy it. Love you all.
  2. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Hey there! I hope you have a good Thanksgiving too. Perhaps you and your daughter will have a pleasant dinner and that'll be that. I'd be looking forward to mine, but #1, J is coming with him and #2, I'm sick as a dog. Sinus infection that has now decided to go to my chest. So, I'll be putting a ham in a crock pot and calling it good. lol

    Seriously, have a good day.
  3. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Stop giving in. Just say no! Seriously, difficult child just left late yesterday and she is already getting you to cave to her. Presumably, because you planned alone time for yourself you have no meal to serve her Thanksgiving anyway. Enjoy you day - all by your lonesome - you DESERVE it from all the difficult child has put you through recently. Plan: tell difficult child NO. Then whatever floats your boat of "me" time!
  4. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    That's what I am hoping too Lil (I'll let you know how it goes) and that sucks that you have a sinus infection and in your chest on top of everything else! I hope you can find some good medications that work for ya today!
  5. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Thank you 2m2r!
  6. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    GM, just want to wish you a peaceful day. Do something good for yourself.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Have you ever read about borderline personality disorder? Just something to read and to think about; a very difficult disorder to live with and te BPDs change their minds minute to minute and can not maintain stable emotions or relationships for any length of time, which is what makes us so crazy. See if your daughter fits.

    Put "Borderline Central" into your search engine. Tons and tons of info and a forum will come up. This seems to be a huge problem, especially with difficult child girls who live for drama and can be vindicative, revengeful, and even violent (although not always violent). They also can not have good relationships...they change from thinking a person is all good to thinking that the same person is all bad and do not understand gray areas of life.

    Give it a try. It may explain a lot to you. Maybe it won't. But it's worth exploring. There are books out for those who love people with borderline and how to deal with them too.

    See if It rings a bell.
  8. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    All I have to say is, this Thanksgiving was a nightmare. I just got home and don't even have the motivation or energy to write about it. Even though half way through, it evened out and became ok, I was still left feeling hurt and wounded. Really hurt. I just need to be away from my whole family. I love them, I really do, but we can not associate well together and I'm sure I am at fault for things as well. I don't claim to be innocent, all I know is, I try my best. I just wish I would have stayed home, by myself.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    While I never had to stay alone for T-giving, if my only choice had been my family of origin a.k.a. DNA collection or alone, I'd have stayed alone or gone to our community Thanksgiving the night before. I always knew how horrible it would be when that little bunch got together with me there (or without me there) and I learned early and often that people don't change. I can't remember having thrown myself to the dogs at any time after I left the DNA home.

    I am sorry, sorry, sorry that you had such a bad holiday. I assume you got ganged up on and abused and I suspect you are much less at fault for your mean family members than you think you are. Sometimes we get so beaten up by them that we start to think, "I caused this." I don't know what happened, but, even not knowing, from other things you have said, I am guessing that this mess was started by others and the gang up began on you.

    Try to calm down and think about who caused whatever happened and if you were actually a cause or dragged into it or the abused party. Do not add guilt of any kind to your sadness. And maybe you should avoid lots of your DNA collection, like I do mine. My life is much calmer and happier without them. I didn't want it to be this way, but it is what it is.

    I love my family with every fiber in my being: My husband, my two sons, my two daughters, my two grandchildren and my three pets. They are my true family, the ones who are there for me and don't make me feel like dirt. MY DNA collection...I guess I still love my Dad, certainly not as much as my family family (hub and kids) and have drifted into apathy toward my sister and brother. Don't hate them. Don't love them. Forgive them and have moved on from them. We don't have to love our DNA members. If we do love them when they mistreat us, that's a real bear of a hurt. I'm glad I got over wanting approval from Dad, Sis and Bro.

    Hugs to you for your battle tonight, whatever it was.
    Last edited: Nov 27, 2014
  10. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Oh GM, I am so sorry you had a hurtful day. On a day that we should be reflecting on what we are thankful for you had to endure emotional pain. I suppose you can be thankful that you survived the day.

    I love the holiday's and I think the true meaning of them gets lost on many people. A time to get together with family and friends to celebrate, appreciate and love one another. The key word here is family. We have our DNA family which we cannot choose and we have our "family" that has become part of our lives and it's these special "family" members that appreciate us for who we are, these are the people we should spend our holiday's with.

    Staying home alone on a holiday or subjecting myself to toxic people, I would choose staying home alone. We can love our DNA family but we can't make them behave. Your mental well being is much more important and needs to be guarded against these toxic people. You are on a journey of healing, of wanting a better life for yourself which you deserve. Stay focused on that and if your DNA family can't support you then you need to distance yourself from them.

    Today is a new day, you survived another encounter with your family, you learned from it, you have grown, now let it go and move on.

    Sending you warm hugs from a very snowy and cold northern Illinois.
  11. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Thank you MWM, how did you know? I can't say exactly what happened because frankly, it very well could identify me should my family members ever happen to come across this board one day. I really wish that I could, but you pretty much said it in a nut shell. All I will say is this, plans changed. difficult child and my brother invited me to go with them for Thanksgiving and I made the asinine decision to go. Basically difficult child started bullying me and then it led all of us into an argument, one in which I was not allowed to speak. I guess I will never learn will I? It's because the guilt of "what kind of mother are you not to want to spend Thanksgiving with your own child (and furthermore, nieces and nephews?)" That's the kind of guilt that always sucks me into things.

    I felt really alone and most of all so god damn sad after it all happened. I hate that feeling. I felt so much anger toward my difficult child and my brother, but most of all, I felt so much hurt because everyone knows me and my daughter's issues (not just talking about my brother, he is very well aware of our issues, but I am speaking of everyone else outside the family), even just by the way she speaks to me. I am flipping tired of being humiliated by her. But most of all, the utter sadness deep with in my soul that is her and I, that this is happening to. Why do we have to be the ones? People look down on us and think "how pathetic", hell I would to. It's horrible but it makes me so sad because I love her so god damn much. And please know, I know I am at fault for how she is. I have social anxiety big time and my daughter never had a good or happy time around me during the holidays ever, in fact very stressful. I use to take it out on her and I HATE myself for it and have severely been beating myself up for years because of it. I know how she acts is direction reflection of a lot of my own mental health issues that I could not control. I know I just wasn't meant to be a mother and I brought a child who I love with every fiber of my being and deepness of my soul, into severe dysfunction. I am not trying to gain pity, I just have to be honest. I don't think I am ever going to be able to healthily detach because my guilt is so deep rooted.

    So yeah this incident yesterday opened up all of these wounds and also has re-opened wounds with my brother. Just a horrible thanksgiving.
  12. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Thank you Tanya. You must of replied while I was writing my message. I am beside myself right now.
  13. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    There is such a thing as grace, here is one dictionary description: disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency
    As in: when you know better you do better. At some point you are going to have to work on forgiving yourself to pull yourself out of the turmoil. With your daughter's diagnosis's there is no telling how long until you can have a somewhat "normal" interaction with her or even if that will ever happen. You might get moments here and there but at the end of the day it might also come down to all that you can do is to save yourself. Saving yourself and not allowing others to lay guilt trips on you can not only make your own life better but it may be a powerful example to your daughter in wanting to live well later in life. If you honestly feel you have not been a good example to your daughter in the past, work on being a good example now and in the future by showing her what a peace filled life looks like. You CAN do it. It will take it's time of course, no one changes overnight - but you get there by putting one foot in front of the other and moving in the direction you want to go. So just for today - forgive yourself for making a bad choice and today make a good choice FOR YOU!
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  14. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    That is such great advice 2m2r, you are so right. I was sitting outside earlier thinking to myself, it's not too late for a change and I never am able to think positive like that. I feel like that came from God himself and to hear you say what I was thinking earlier reaffirms it. I might not have been a good example in the past, but I can start to be one right now. I pray to have normal interactions with my daughter one day. I am not saying she has to change how she feels, but the aggressiveness in her dealings with me definitely needs to stop regardless of what I did in the past. I know parents who have done far worse than me but their kids don't make them walk around in fear and I can at least expect that much from her. It not only hurts me and it not only hurts her when she acts this way, but it also makes us look really, really, really bad in front of other people. If you guys actually saw it with your own eyes, you would see what I mean. It's not good at all. I am tired of us being the butt of the jokes, people looking down on us, etc. etc. It doesn't need to be this way. I don't know any parent/child who acts like this in public and IT HAS TO STOP!!!! AND it has to stop behind closed doors as well, no doubt. But stopping this behavior in public will be a good place to start. I wish I can make her understand how utterly bad it makes us look, especially her and the humiliation that it causes me is absolutely 100% traumatizing for me. When we are out , no matter where it may be, she talks to me like I am a piece of crap and very aggressively when she is angry. It's horrid and I see strangers shaking their heads all the time and when she does it in front of my family, it crushes me. Major, major blows. I have to make it clear to her somehow , in a way her young mind understands, that I AM NOT TOLERATING THIS ANYMORE AND I CAN'T BE AROUND YOU IF I DON'T FEEL SAFE. I texted her last night about how upset it made me and she said "um, ok, you are so over reacting. You take things to sensitively" You got to be kidding me, she really does not see it at all and I know I am not crazy because people have be commenting about it for YEARS, everyone knows it, but when she says things like that, it really does make me question my own sanity!

    Anyway, let me try and calm down. It's still pretty raw for me but I think I'm starting to see the light a little bit today. I loved everything that you said, and everyone else as well. Little by little, centimeter by centimeter, I'm going to figure this out somehow with the help of all of you. All of you are what makes me feel better at the end of the day and that I'm not alone.
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Oh, sweetie, how did I know?

    It has happened to me soooooooooo many times until I was shaking and crying when I got home. I had to grow bold enough to say,"Sorry, I'm not coming." When they asked, "Why?" I'd just say "Other plans." When they asked about the plans I said, "Oh, I'll tell you later. Got to go. Running late." *click*

    Eventually they figured it out and probably felt bad (bad that they wouldn't have their fav play toy to abuse, most likely). I never thought about how they'd feel, once I made my decision. If I actually DID hurt them a little, well, I doubt my absence would have anyone shaking and in tears. I decided to live my life the way it was best for me, not for my DNA abusers.

    I do not miss them. I only miss the people I wish they COULD have been, but were not.

    Hugs. Be nice to YOU today.
    • Like Like x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    P.S.--You WILL learn. I didn't have my act together at your age either. I still asked for more abuse, like I had some "kick me" sign on my big behind...lol.


    Who cares what abusers think, even if they share your DNA? They are a part of difficult children abuse and encourage it.Who needs THEIR twisted support???

    Hugs and more hugs.
  17. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    I agree, and because it causes you so much pain: train yourself out of it. When invited somewhere to be with difficult child stop and think, how is this going to play out. Give your mind some time to let things marinate and think it through. Stop. Listen (to your inner voice) Plan (yeah or nay) and then react. Sounds like you need to work on the word "NO" for a while as well.
    Also I think you are being a little hard on yourself about what other people think. I would think most people are really thinking, "look had bad that girl is treating her mother or that woman". Not the other way around! (and if it family, well just how much to you value the opinions of those who don't recognize this hurtful behavior or relish in it?)
  18. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Bob Newhart played a $5.00 therapist in a skit several years ago. A woman walked in sat down and told him her problem. When she finished, he said he was ready to tell her what to do. He said, " Stop it. Every time you have that thought, stop it." He may be onto something.
  19. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Such a damn great idea. So using this in the future.

    Man, I'm really beginning to think this is what my brother and his kind actually like doing to me. I can sense it and that's why I am so uncomfortable and sad around them. I'm mad I haven't figured this out years ago. It's all a joke to them. I give too many people the benefit of the doubt that they are actual mature adults. Never again will I be making this mistake in the future.

    Yes, yes, YES to all of this.


    Thank you , (((hugggsss))))
  20. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Wow, yes. Just because they don't recognized that it is hurtful behavior for me, doesn't mean my hurt and my feelings are not real or stupid. However, if any one of them got hurt or offended, we would all have to stop the world for them. Only they are allowed to have feelings and are allowed to express them and would be damned if I didn't take them seriously! NOT ANYMORE!!! And you're right no value goes into those opinions, especially the ones who relish in it!