Difficult Child thinking about moving to another state

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by mtdenise, Jun 19, 2015.

  1. mtdenise

    mtdenise Member

    For those of you have DCs who move to another state, what type of experiences have they had? My son’s friend who has been helping him (although he stepped back a bit in the last couple weeks) is going to be moving in the upcoming months to get a job in a different state. My Difficult Child said he wants to go with him, get away from the people and surroundings here, and try to start over. His friend asked what I thought and I gave him my feelings. Just wondering what others have experienced. Has it helped your Difficult Child? Did they “grow up” from this type of experience? Or has nothing changed?

    My thoughts are change is good and getting away from the people he hangs with around here would be a good thing. However, I’m afraid he’ll just continue the same behaviors in a different state and seek out those who will continue to bring him down.

    I also have no idea how one moves with absolutely no money saved and no plan, but hey, that’s why they are DCs and seem to float through life. I can’t understand that mentality and have given up trying.

    Anyway, just wanted to get some real experiences from people whose Difficult Child’s have done this. Guess I always hold out hope that my Difficult Child will get “it” one of these days. He's looking at moving south and my first thought was that if he become homeless at least he won't freeze to death. (sigh!)

  2. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    T moved to live with her grands in order to avoid me. Essentially she made new friends that were good enough for a while. Within a year she had failed out of college, moved in with a boy, broken up with the boy, and mentally everything was the same.

    I got lucky! It could have been a lot worse. She wasn't really in a bad crowd before she left and didn't join one when she got there. She met the man of her dreams and moved in with him during Christmas break. Two months later they broke up and she moved home. Mentally not much has changed. We still fight and she is still difficult. She also still has no intention of changing because in her mind she is not the issue.

    Reality is she didn't really help or hurt herself. So in the long run I am just greatful I'm not a grandmother or an in-law and that she has nothing holding her back from whatever she wants in the future.

    Once again compared to most I got really lucky!
  3. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member


    It did not go well for our Difficult Child, yet I cannot help but think that a new environment often does bode well. As you mentioned, with no money, no plan can = UGH. Difficult Child moved 1500 mi away and seemed to do well for a few months. We lost contact and learned later that his life went south (again). Difficult Child moved back to his home state for a couple years, then returned to the other state...AGAIN. This time with a girlfriend and that "seemed" to be okay for a couple years. Again, it ended badly. While I am using the word "again" very often, I understand it is part of Difficult Child's.

    Still, I think a new place, IF they really want a new start, can be a very good thing. The last thing I want you to do is worry. New place, new start--if they want a real change--sounds good to me! Heck, I could use a new place, new start! : )

    Please keep us posted. We are all rallying for you and your son. :notalone:

  4. JulieAnn

    JulieAnn Member

    Hi MtDenise,

    My Difficult Child moved 2k miles away quite some time ago. You're right, nothing's changed. The thing that did change for me is that I would just get the calls, not showing up at my doorstep. I still hear from him if he gets in a desperate situation. When I don't hear from him, he must be managing somehow.

    They are over 18 and are going to make their own choices. As I see it, your parenting has been done. All you can hope for is that some of it sticks. It wouldn't matter if he was here or there. You still can't 'fix' it.

    I'm in the process of disengaging. I have to. All I seem to be able to do is to enable. That's the worst thing to do and just drags out the process of them having to grow up and take responsibility. Enabling only alleviates our guilt for a short time. That's it. It does nothing for them and is truly detrimental. I only wish I would have quit years ago - Maybe he would have stood a chance, but I can't go there.

    I've just started going to Al-Anon meetings. Even though his issue is drugs rather than alcohol, it's not about them. It's very cathartic and I would recommend it highly. It's very therapeutic (and cost effective!). I can't imagine that a paid psychologist would be any better.

    Take care of yourself.