difficult child threatening won't allow home

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by lostmyson, Jul 6, 2014.

  1. lostmyson

    lostmyson Member

    Out of jail after 6 weeks in. Stealing scrap for drug money. Found evidence stealing from us. I knew this over a year ago but not husband. Ongoing crisis for over 5 years.DUI od needles in our home I could go on and on. Like so many stories on this site. Now threatening to come to my job and raise hell if I don't let him back. So nice while gone. Especially in jail since safe. Now staying with junkie friend. Threatening texts since turned off phone. Did I mention my 5 year old daughter. Great day at new local pool til phone calls. Rains on every sunny day. Want my normal drama free life back. Love him but have to find the old me who is slipping away. He refuses to get help
  2. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    LMS, I am sorry. This is so hard to deal with.

    You might tell him you will take out a restraining order against him if he comes to your house without an invitation. I told my difficult child that the last time he got out of jail and he has abided by that boundary since that time.

    I was sick and tired of him getting out of jail, walking to my house, and banging on the door at 3 a.m. He had done that multiple times. I also didn't want him just "showing up" at my house.

    It was surprisingly easy to say those words at that point.

    You can't have a real relationship with an active addict. It is impossible. Figure out what you want, and then put plans in place to make that happen.

    You don't have to allow him to come to your house.
    You don't have to give him any money.
    You don't have to see him at all for a long while.
    You have choices.

    You deserve peace. And don't worry, if he is this outrageous already, he will be back in jail soon. I always feel better when my difficult child is in jail. Today, he is out, homeless, but is respecting my wishes. That is progress.

    Warm hugs. Keep us posted.
  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome lost. I'm sorry for what you are going through. How old is your son?
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Warn your boss, then get a restraining order placed against him if he shows up anywhere near you. Keep threatening voicemails or texts to show that you need one. You don't need to be a part of his drama. You can legally keep him away from you. I know, I know. Not quite THAT easy, but you can stifle him. Make sure you change your locks so he can't get in your house. He sounds dangerous. I'd keep contact to a minimum. No reason to agitate him further or throw oil on the fire, so to speak. Why answer his calls? You know he's not calling to ask about your well being.

    Your little child needs a strong mother, a healthy mother and a peaceful life. And you need your serenity intact.
  5. lostmyson

    lostmyson Member

    Almost 22. Not stable
  6. lostmyson

    lostmyson Member

    Don't really think will follow thru. Can't believe so heartless. We have tried so hard to do right by him. Never enough. So many reminders. Just want peace. Boss knows situation. So do many others newspapers and small town. So humiliating. What happened to my sweet baby boy. We used to have so much fun and so close. Now I am afraid for him and of him. Lost him and losing myself. My precious 5 year old daughter is my motivation
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Your son is a drug addict now, if you saw needles. He isn't going to be the same little boy you played with, sadly. There is nothing you can do to please or have any sort of relationship with an addict.

    I know it feels humiliating when your son is in the newspapers, but anyone with any experience or a clearheaded brain realizes HE is the one who should feel ashamed, not you. You did not do those deeds. He did. He is an adult. You can't make him behave by grounding him. He will do what he wants to do and anyone who doesn't know this...well, I hope they never find out that it is not within YOUR control what he does and does not reflect on your parenting. Anyhow, really, most people are focused on their own selves and forget about the drama in the lives of others fast. They have their own stuff going on to think about.

    Have you ever gone to a twelve step meeting, or NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) and do you have a therapist for yourself? You deserve to have a great rest-of-your-life even though your son is a mess. It's possible to do it. Takes time and therapy and working on yourself, but we are not our children and they are not us. Your son is choosing to do dangerous things, but you aren't and you matter as much as he does. You deserve to enjoy yourself and not take on his angst all the time. Accept what he is, and try not to think about his future. Try to focus on the wonderful moment of now, and enjoy each second to it's fullest :) That is a great coping skill called mindfulness. Looking at your son logically, without judgment, and acknowledging the truth is called radical acceptance. You can look both concepts up on the internet. They are very useful tools if learn about them.
  8. lostmyson

    lostmyson Member

    Thanks Midwest mom. Do try to live in the moment and am doing much better when occupied with daughter. Son so in my face. Goes on rampage then nice next day. Makes it easier to detach. Need face to face with people like myself but work full time and don't want to leave daughter. Try to hide drama from friends. Tell a minimum to them. They wouldn't believe how bad it really is
  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Hi - I feel for you as I have been there. Stay strong and definitely do not let your son come home.... you need to protect your daughter. A lot depends on your state but you might call the police and ask about getting a no tresspass order. Where I live you can no tresspass someone from your home just by giving them a no tresspass notice and giving a copy to the police.... it is less of an ordeal than getting a restraining order. We did that with my son when we kicked him out of the house.

    About friends.... I know it is embarrassing BUT I have been very open, probably too open, with people and what I have found is that many many people have experience with addiction and mental illness. I have heard many stories of others who have had family members with addiction and what I have gotten is much more support than I have gotten judgement. I think it wears on you to try and keep it a secret.... for me anyways it is healthier to just be open about it.
    And if you tell your friends maybe one of them would watch your daughter while you found an alanon meeting?


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  10. Annie2007

    Annie2007 Member

    Prayers for you LMS. I have been going through so much of the same with my son. He is homeless and soon to be 33. When he was in staying in our town, we had to tell him if he shows up at our house we will call the policE as he is bipolar and drug addict. And we have called them several times. It is so heartbreaking to have to do it but when the situation becomes violent we have to. With him I can usually see it coming on and call the police as soon as I can before it escalates. If he showed up right now, I would call in a heartbeat. I hate it. So sorry.

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  11. lostmyson

    lostmyson Member

    Sorry for you also. Just hung up on difficult child. Every call ends up confrontational. Hate to involve law but may have to. Threatening text now. Feeling drained and unappreciated. Leave phone on silent. Sick feeling if I see message icon. How did it get so far gone. Hes mad and wants to stay here although can't stand us or our rules. I'm only guilty of living too much. Forgot myself along the way. Never enough. Glad I didn't know this outcome and got to enjoy him for 15 or 16 years. Wonder if I can ever feel true joy again without the cloud he casts. I believe my difficult child to be bipolar as my sister is. So similar to her. Sometimes so fun and normal. Read on here about parents suffering many more than 5 years of their hell they bring us. Causing me stomach trouble last year or so. See difficult child not living and making great memories. Just battling to survive. Too many bridges burned
  12. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    It is heart wrenching. Please take care of yourself.