difficult child Update....same old thing...with a twist

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sweetmama714, Oct 6, 2014.

  1. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    Haven't been here in a while- life has been busy.

    My difficult child is living with a girlfriend. We know this (we= me and easy child) based on information my daughter found out on FB. I don't 'stalk' (I'm blocked anyway) but like to keep my finger on the pulse.

    Anyway, Saturday morning before 8 a.m. my phone is ringing- it's difficult child. I ignore the call, go back to sleep.

    About 20 minutes later, a text.

    Evidently, since he's not getting any money from me, he's started trying to outreach his 'other' family- on his father's side. The father who, if you recall, has not EVER done anything to assist in raising this child. Not once.

    But difficult child is desperate. So the text says his "father" wants my number and is that ok? See, his father is a liar and schemer too- but karma has gotten him pretty good and he's wanting to confirm some info. I haven't talked with him in years. You know what they say, you can't bull@#$% a Bull@#$%er.

    He called, I told him a high level overview. Basically that amounts to "I'm done".

    I learned that at times his "father" has offered to help difficult child get his GED and enroll in the technical college, to no avail.

    I didn't tell him that difficult child had stolen from me, my mother, my daughter- because honestly? There's a twinge of not wanting to 'out' him and wanting his other parent to step up and TRY something.

    Right? Wrong? I don't want difficult child to go over there and steal from his paternal grandmother. (heh, so his "father" has separated from his wife and guess where he lives? With his mother).

    It's almost surreal- how alike they are considering the non-involvement.

    Texting continued that he was working at some landscape place, needs money to pay rent (but you are working? and per FB the girlfriend seems to be content 'taking care of him') and that same on and on about how no one helps him.

    Amazingly......I'm over this. I really am. My stomach does not turn when I see a missed call from him. I am not nauseous when I get a text. I'm not worried or sad when I don't hear from him. It almost seems cold and unloving. I love him. I don't like him.
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    It sounds as if you have detached from his drama. It is not cold or an indication that you do not love him, you are letting him figure out his life.
  3. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    I personally wouldn't warn them. Did they ever do anything to help you? Nope, they didn't. Let them find out on their own like you had to. It's his son too.
  4. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    Sweet mama, this is a good place to be. I'm happy for you. It's a place that allows you to make rational decisions, to be kind when kindness is warranted, to step away before things get to be too much, to keep your distance for as long as feels right to you. This is a good place. I know this place...it sometimes becomes a little wobbly, but I have to tell you, I think it is the best place that we parents of difficult child's can hope for.

    I do so understand the strange feeling of feeling cold and unloving. I don't believe it is so. I think you are wounded and healing. I am a doctor...recovering patients turn inwards for long long periods of time. The really sick ones don't interact with family, don't acknowledge communication. They need to husband their resources for a long time, to get well. It isn't cold. It is a biologic imperative. You will reach some other equilibriu. This is the best place for you now.


  5. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    When we reach a point of realizing that they are adults and all of our 'help' is only keeping them in the same spot in life, we change. Our difficult child's are hardheaded and mine doesn't appear to learn from his mistakes, but that is his life and I have mine.

    I know some of my close family members disagree with me BUT, in my opinion, they are adults, our job as a mother has shifted and changed definition. We are not talking about children, they are adults.

    I had the same situation with my difficult child's long lost father. It's as if they think we are totally responsible for the kids. I told him we were divorced and the relationship between him and difficult child was what ever they wanted. I refuse to be the 'go between', if he wants to know what's what ask difficult child.

    Detachment does not mean we love our difficult child's any less, it means we love them enough to let them learn to be a responsible adult.

    Huggs and Peace!