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difficult child update
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<blockquote data-quote="rlsnights" data-source="post: 306928" data-attributes="member: 7948"><p>Um, not sure where to start. I'm sure others will jump in but I can tell you that my rule is that my 13 1/2 yo twins' rooms and backpacks are open to my inspection at any time with no warning. And I do inspect, preferably with them present. But I have made it clear that I feel that it is my right and responsibility as their parent to inspect without them present if I feel it is necessary.</p><p></p><p>I drop my children off and pick them up from school no more than 15 minutes before and after school unless they have a club meeting. In that case I am there to pick them up when they get out. I realize not all parents have the luxury of being able to do this but I know with-o a doubt that my daughter would be in deep trouble by now if I did not provide close supervision before and after school. She has options to socialize within clubs or other supervised settings.</p><p></p><p>They each have ONE place they get to stay overnight with a close friend. Both cases are families we have known for 8+ years and whose parents also believe in close supervision. They do not get to stay overnight anywhere else (except family members but they all live out of town).</p><p></p><p>My children do not have cell phones or access to cell phones. If your son has a cell phone I suggest that you require him to give it to you at bedtime and you keep the charger in your bedroom so you can keep control over it at night. That's when kids do a lot of texting and setting up meetings with-o adults knowing what's up.</p><p></p><p>My daughter is really doing the "you are mean" thing with me too. In her case, she is doing her best to triangulate us, her parents. "I like her and I'll talk to her but I won't talk to you" kind of stuff. Best defense is for you and your spouse to stand firm together and refuse to accept this behavior. Try not to take it personally - it's not helpful and tends to get him what he wants which is power over you. I know it's hard but it's important to try.</p><p></p><p>Always check with each other about priviledges etc. Have clear house rules (easier said than done I know) about coming/going, consequences for foul language, consequences for not doing homework, etc - whatever the issues are at your house.</p><p></p><p>If he threatens you with violence when you attempt to enforce house rules, then you call the cops. Tell him in advance that this is what will happen and then DO IT.</p><p></p><p>This is about his safety and his future. His relationship with authority right now is mostly with you his parents. If he treats you this way and learns it is OK to do it now with you then he will go out and do it as a young adult and the results will not be pretty.</p><p></p><p>Good luck - and I wouldn't blame it all on puberty exactly, more on the normal developmental process of individuating from parents. But he's not on the "normal" curve if he's behaving this way and you need to hit the "reset" button ASAP and make it clear what behavior you will and will not tolerate as part of this normal process.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="rlsnights, post: 306928, member: 7948"] Um, not sure where to start. I'm sure others will jump in but I can tell you that my rule is that my 13 1/2 yo twins' rooms and backpacks are open to my inspection at any time with no warning. And I do inspect, preferably with them present. But I have made it clear that I feel that it is my right and responsibility as their parent to inspect without them present if I feel it is necessary. I drop my children off and pick them up from school no more than 15 minutes before and after school unless they have a club meeting. In that case I am there to pick them up when they get out. I realize not all parents have the luxury of being able to do this but I know with-o a doubt that my daughter would be in deep trouble by now if I did not provide close supervision before and after school. She has options to socialize within clubs or other supervised settings. They each have ONE place they get to stay overnight with a close friend. Both cases are families we have known for 8+ years and whose parents also believe in close supervision. They do not get to stay overnight anywhere else (except family members but they all live out of town). My children do not have cell phones or access to cell phones. If your son has a cell phone I suggest that you require him to give it to you at bedtime and you keep the charger in your bedroom so you can keep control over it at night. That's when kids do a lot of texting and setting up meetings with-o adults knowing what's up. My daughter is really doing the "you are mean" thing with me too. In her case, she is doing her best to triangulate us, her parents. "I like her and I'll talk to her but I won't talk to you" kind of stuff. Best defense is for you and your spouse to stand firm together and refuse to accept this behavior. Try not to take it personally - it's not helpful and tends to get him what he wants which is power over you. I know it's hard but it's important to try. Always check with each other about priviledges etc. Have clear house rules (easier said than done I know) about coming/going, consequences for foul language, consequences for not doing homework, etc - whatever the issues are at your house. If he threatens you with violence when you attempt to enforce house rules, then you call the cops. Tell him in advance that this is what will happen and then DO IT. This is about his safety and his future. His relationship with authority right now is mostly with you his parents. If he treats you this way and learns it is OK to do it now with you then he will go out and do it as a young adult and the results will not be pretty. Good luck - and I wouldn't blame it all on puberty exactly, more on the normal developmental process of individuating from parents. But he's not on the "normal" curve if he's behaving this way and you need to hit the "reset" button ASAP and make it clear what behavior you will and will not tolerate as part of this normal process. [/QUOTE]
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