difficult child upped the ante ~ police and ambulance were here

Kathy813

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Thank you for thinking of me but I am scared of picking a counselor from a website. We have seen too many bad ones over the years with difficult child.

A teacher at my school who is the only one that really knows everything that is going on with difficult child (and who taught difficult child when she was in high school) told me today that she went to an awesome counselor when she was going through her divorce. She asked if it was okay for her to contact her for me and see if she would feel comfortable with this situation or ask her for a reference to someone that would specialize in problems like this.

I told her that would be great so I am hopeful that we can find someone to help us.

You all are wonderful! I can't tell you how much your support has helped me. School is over and there have been no visits from difficult child. Phew/whew! I have been watching the door all day.
 
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Signorina

Guest
Kathy - that's great news. I saw a therapist two weeks ago and it has been very very helpful. I specifically scheduled a visit to discuss "parenting strategies" and that's what we centered upon. I was a wreck before our session - because I was all ready an emotional wreck plus I was anxious that he would judge me.

I left feeling empowered -- because he gave me the basis to stop second guessing myself. He gave me tips on "what" to do but didn't tell me "how" to do it and he backed up my own instincts. It was very much a relief to turn some of it over to him and I left feeling a lot more in charge of myself if that makes sense.

I hope you get good suggestions or a referral from your co worker's counselor. ANd I am glad you had a more peaceful day :)
 
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Mattsmom277

Active Member
Very late to this thread. I want to say that how you handles that situation sounds wonderfully focused and strong and firm. Even I'd she is manipulating you can't avoid your own home and garage. Detachment sounds under way for you and you seem to be seeking more methods. Great steps. Whe she arrived on the doorstep detachment is ripped away for that time. I think you did right. Checked her safety, called for help, had her removed. I do think now you might up the anty and next occurrence allow police to enforce the trespassing order. It's the next step if this didn't clue her in that you mean business.

On the idea of AA, as others said it isn't for everyone. Counselling is going to offer you that person to unload on and help work with you to set boundaries as new things occur. That is good.

A sort of comparison re: real life support groups. I'm desperate for therapy to help resurrected sexual abuse history and help me cope through a very ugly sickening trial process. Funds aren't there. Self pay means no wedding for me as its one or the other id bills too are to be paid. That rat funk will NOT rob me of my wedding. Group support is the only free resource available to me. Everyone pushes and pushes me to go. I know it helps many. It helped me back as a teen and early 20's whe I dealt with all this first time around. Eventually I facilitated a group on Toronto myself so I know many benefit. This pint in my life it is not what I want and not what I need. My reasons are valid and varied and people don't hear me and insist that barring private therapy i must go to his group. Not fing to happen. My reasons are valid. So I have no local help coupon for now. It hurts but I'm not givin up finding a solution. Nor will I go to the group hat oat a right fit for me. Often I come here with my thoughts and seek support. Other times I struggle greatly alone. Still that doesn't make this particular group the right place for me. It is no reflection of my need and desire for help. If something is wrong for you it is wrong for you. You keep trying new avenues to find resources. I hope a good counsellor turns up for you and it gives you that needed real life support.

Not sure what to add but again, u think you are handling this remarkably well. Give credit when it's due you. You're doing good.
 

Mattsmom277

Active Member
Please ignore obvious typos. Not drunk although it reads that way. It's my iPhone correcting my words and I miss it sometimes so hope you can decipher
 

lovemysons

Well-Known Member
Kathy...Just prayer for the situation. Am sure hoping your daughter will get the help she needs and be able to get on with life. Meanwhile please take good care of YOU.

Hugs,
LMS
 

rejectedmom

New Member
Kathy I hope things have settled down and you were able to rest last night. As a parent of a difficult child that used suicide threats as a means of manipulation, I think you did right calling the police. I also agree with the person that said you should get official documentation of the episode and any future episodes. I also think that the tresspass order should be enforced in the future. It serves no purpose to have it when it isn't enforced and only sends the message that you are still willing to cut her slack when she treats you so horribly.

There is one other group tht might be the support group you are seeking. It is Parents Annomous. I found it wasn't right for me because the parents did talk about their kids at length and I guess I needed something else, Something more uplifting. The other group is NAMI which I am sure you are familiar with. I do not go there eithr because they got real pushy about me volunteering when I coudn't and actually the guy got a bit nasty. I realize that it was just one person but it turned me off. husband did go for a while when my difficult child daughter was acting out and doing dangerous things several years ago. It did help him. That said the most helpful thing I did was seek professional help in dealing with my difficult children. That and daily meditation to relieve the stress.
 

DazedandConfused

Well-Known Member
Just a note about Al Anon, NA, etc. I've been to a few meetings (but otherwise been to tons of twelve-step meetings), though it has been years and it wasn't difficult child related. Anyway, I always understood that those meetings were not suppose to be a place to discuss the addict, but for the individual attending to work on their OWN life and how they are living it. The point is to develop a life that isn't focused on the addict's addiction and how to help them. Living your own full life IS the best thing you can do for them. Also, not all meetings are the same and each can have its own dynamic determined by the regulars that attend. Of course, attending meetings doesn't replace therapy, but can serve to support it. I don't write this as an endorsement of AA or Al Anon, because I do take issue with some of their philosophies. For some people, however, they find tremendous support and solace with them.

You have been put through the wringer the last few days; sending you gentle supportive hugs.
 

susiestar

Roll With It
First of all, Kathy I am SO SORRY that your difficult child seems to be stuck in life at the emotional age of a teenager and that she tried such a stupid and dangerous thing as to do what she did today. It is really really awful to be in your situation. You have worked to provide everything you can for her and to help her.

I find it very stupid on the part of EMS to act like YOU were the problem. Around here they have a LOT more experience with people with sub abuse and the manipulation that they use to get their way. Your difficult child seems to cling to being dependent and it is a super hard thing to push your child to be independent. Also not natural - part of being a teen is separating from your parents and being awful enough Occupational Therapist (OT) them that they are okay with you separating somewhat so that you can be an independent person. Your daughter seems to be stuck at a much younger developmental age, one where living at home is more "normal" than it is at 26.

Of course you had to do what you did today. No choice but to call 911, esp when she was in your garage. She sure seems to want to push this to extremes.

I don't know what the alanon meetings that you are attending are about. Here you do talk about the readings, but we also share our experiences and talk through hwo we think we should have handled them. After the meeting it is pretty usual to go get coffee and talk about personal things if there wasn't time in the meetings. What y'all are describing as alanon meetings is what goes on at a lunch meeting, one that is less than an hour long - usually 35-45 min and you don't go into personal stuff. but not all alanon meetings are like what you have experienced. It is why they suggest going to meetings at different times and places - each meeting has a dynamic and pattern of its' own and many are NOT what you are describing. At least most of the ones I have gone to, in three states, are very different.

So there may be hope. But of course alanon is not for everyone, just like nothing else is for everyone. Kathy, you might get a lot more benefit from a therapist of some kind.

I am so osrry that things are so hard. It is really hard to learn to detach, esp when your child is so determined to attach and almost return to the nest the way yours is. Have you ever discussed why she wants to return home so bad that she would do all this stuff to try to pressure you into it? I know she has had some bad situations, and that it sure is a lot easier to live at home than to work and pay bills and do all the hard, boring stuff that is part of living on your own. I don't need to know the answers, I just think maybe if you knew why she wanted to live at home so much then you could make living at home seem less desireable in some way,a nd maybe lessen her attempts to return home. I find it truly strange that a 26yo wants to move back home so desperately.

I do hope you let the halfway house know about her antics today.

This last thought might not be popular. I know you have agreed to give her gas and let her have the car. If the car is in your name, consider taking it away. Or at least not providing gas for her anymore. IF she is going to use it to attempt to kill herself, then it is a weapon and she needs to not have it. If it is in your name, take it and sell it. Let her be stranded at the halfway house and have to get rides or walk to meetings. Let her know you believe she is capable of handling things with-o a car and that you cannot allow her to have the car since she tried to use it to kill herself in your garage. I know it sounds harsh, but the car is giving her a lot of freedom to come and harrass you. It is also the weapon she chose to use to try to kill herself - regardless of if she was serious or not.

Of course these are my ideas/experiences. I am NOT in your situation today, and can't say I would do this if I was. So I totally understand if you choose some other way to handle all of this. I will support you and listen if/when you need to talk. I am so sorry that your daughter chose to do all of this today, and that you are hurting so much.
 

Kathy813

Well-Known Member
Staff member
difficult child is in the halfway house and we saw her on Sunday when we bought her food and cigarettes. Other than that, we haven't heard from her.

Susiestar ~ thank you for your kind words. The car is in difficult child's name since we didn't want it to have any connection to us so we would not be legally liable if anything happened. We are still willing to pay for the gas since we are hoping that she is using the car to search for a job.

I realize that the point is probably coming where we have to totally cut her off financially. However, while she is staying in the halfway house we are willing to continue for a while longer.

It has been very peaceful since she decided to stay at the halfway house. I figure the next big blowup will happen when we discuss Thanksgiving. I am hoping that she announces that she is going to spend the day with her friend's family (the ones that took her in before and after the rehab center). She would probably do it to hurt us but little does she know that it would make our day. LOL

Otherwise, I am going to have to tell her that she is not going to get to go with us to our friend's house for Thanksgiving dinner. I am not willing to let her ruin the day for the rest for us. We are going to tell her that we are willing to meet her later in the day for a late supper or dessert.

For now, though, all is quiet on the southern front. :)
 

buddy

New Member
glad you have had a little quiet time. Here's hoping she just finds a place to go for thanksgiving and the day stays drama free! Now that is something to be thankful for!! (you know, i just remembered Q was in the hospital right before thanksgiving two years ago...darn, hope that is not a sign of a pattern. He was in for his seizure study)... well here's hoping for a good thankgiving for ALL of us!!
 

Numb

New Member
I am very late to this thread, new to these forums and I see it’s not just me who jumps when the doorbell rings.

My heart so goes out to you. As the mother of a daughter, who has used suicide to manipulate so many times I have lost count, I can imagine what you must have gone through.

I am struggling, as you are, on detachment, but props to you; I’m still letting mine come back home. I feel like at least for the short time she stays, no matter how disruptive she is, I know she is safe.

I ‘m glad you had a quite day, and I hope there are many more to come.

 

susiestar

Roll With It
(((((hugs))))) I am glad it has been quiet but I also know that part of you is dreading whatever she does over Thanksgiving. I think you are very wise to not allow her to go to your friend's for dinner. It is a very healthy step in detachment to make plans and not let her come. It is also very wise to offer to meet her somewhere later and to NOT invite her into your home for that late supper/snack. It might be very difficult and ugly to get her out of the house once seh has come back in. but it sure isn't easy to be where you are right now.
 
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