Just a couple ideas regarding that safety plan.... I know it sounds crazy, but for about a year my younger daughter and I slept behind a deadbolt at night in my bedroom. I know people have different opinions regarding the "family bed" concept, but in my case it worked and didn't even seem that unnatural to my younger daughter since she had not fully made the transition to her own bed anyway. I never got rid of the king-sized bed after my divorce. Suddenly, I realized why. Also in the bed (we looked like a jigsaw puzzle, I know) were my two wonderful, doggies, 90 lbs. and 50 lbs.--friendly, fun, but far from stupid doggies. The especially perceptive "alpha" female had already made clear exactly what she thought about difficult child, when difficult child left her bedroom door ajar one evening before we were locked down for the night. My lovable b____ ran right in there, jumped in the middle of the bed, squatted, and let it all go. I laughed until I cried. This dog has ZERO accidents. When things like that happen, she's clearly sending a message.
I did not realize that by all four of us (me, child, and 2 dogs) sleeping together in that bed behind a deadbolt, I was conditioning them to be protective of that area and of the two of us. In time, difficult child could not even open the door to her own bedroom, certainly not move room to room, without the loveable "b" barking at my bedroom door as if there were an intruder. (Sorry, must be serious issue for the 90 lb. male to get involved. He lets the female take care of him while he eats and sleeps, sometimes throwing her a low "woof," as if to say "Honey, would you get the door?")
The time came though, when all was put to the test. I had no idea of the mechanisms I had in place. difficult child--for once--innocently opened that door to get something after we were there and settled with lights off, just not yet locked. I knew she was coming in, but nobody told the dogs. BOTH dogs (140 lb. of dog) literally jumped her from the bed--barking, growling and cornering her by the door--lightly holding her arm in their teeth--while she screamed for the light switch. I would never get over it if my dogs hurt anybody, but to SCARE somebody they perceived as an intruder? I loved it--and from that point forward felt much more secure. I think that type of behavior can specifically be trained into them, although in my case it came around on its own.
As for other times during the day, for a safety plan, I still used the deadbolts. My younger child knew to go to one of the bedrooms and deadbolt herself in if she were to become afraid at any point. I had the keys, usually on my body. Also a spare set hidden in an easily accessible place.
Home security systems: Do you have one? I learned that I could get a "panic button" programmed into mine which would work just like the panic button on the keypad. Most of the times I got into a bind, I could tell the tension was building before we actually were in crisis mode, and I went to my room to get the button to have around my neck under my shirt. It looks just like a electronic key to open a car door; nobody would ever guess what it really was. It could easily be kept on a keychain, but I liked the necklace. Also, I'm not sure exactly how sensitive it is and was always ultra careful to allow nothing to touch that button. To this day, difficult child never knew that button existed. Having it gave me huge peace of mind, although I never had to use it. Typically, our problems would happen in areas of the house nowhere close to either of the system's control panel panic buttons.
If you have a security system....do you know what it does for each of the panic buttons? I asked. If I had pressed the police button, I would have had sirens blaring, etc., which would have further escalated everything. I just told them I wanted them to figure out how to make that a silent alarm, because it's well-documented that it is an extremely dangerous time between the police call and the police arriving. I can't believe that the standard is to assume instead of ask the customer's preferences on that.
I've taught my daughter about the panic buttons--as well as to call 911 in an emergency. By the way, this has become more complicated in recent years. Children specifically have to be trained how to call 911 from the various makes and models of all our cell phones, or they won't have a clue. It used to be so easy. We take it for granted. I did. I actually gave as a homework assignment for my students one night to go home and ask parents to show them how to call 911 from each of the different cell phones in the house. One session is not enough, either. Technology has really complicated this sequence for our children.
Other things I did...when I could tell an exchange was escalating, I very deliberately but discreetly went around and unlocked all the doors of my house. I wanted officers to be able to get in quickly without breaking down doors. I also was able to communicate this to our officers (perks of small town living), and we had a couple incidents here where seconds counted, and I am so very thankful that they knew I wanted them to GET IN and GET IN FAST.
I hope something in all this might be useful to somebody else.
